Sean Is Born!

I started up a 3-5 minute full strength contraction labor pattern Thanksgiving evening around 11pm. It continued throughout the night, keeping me from sleeping. This continued all the next day as well. I was able to knit some, but mostly stayed on the birthing ball trying to get things going in the hopes that this early labor wouldn’t last as long as it did with Renna’s birth. No such luck. I went to bed around 11pm and the contractions spaced out enough for me to sleep a few hours at a time. I woke up at 6am and couldn’t sleep anymore and the contractions were back to every 3-5 minutes, lasting a minute to a minute and a half. The in-laws were taking Jamie and Renna to the Children’s museum, so I knew I’d have some peace and quiet for a few hours. After everyone was up I went back to bed and stayed in the bedroom. I didn’t really want anyone around me. I kept up drinking and peeing and eating, with Mama bringing me food and drinks and checking in on me regularly, and tried to rest when it felt right and move around when that felt right. I expected to want to go in the shower at some point but I didn’t. After the in-laws came back with the kids, they had some leftovers and then left to drive back to Oregon. The kids resisted going to bed. Renna had wanted to be with me as much as possible and wanted even to sleep in my bed while I labored. The moans didn’t bother her much. She seemed to want to comfort me, but seemed to have an understanding that it was okay and what needed to happen. That is what we told her, but she didn’t need any reassurance about it. But she wanted to help me and was upset when Mama and Michael made her go to bed. Jamie was very upset. He didn’t like the moaning. I don’t think he remembered Renna’s birth at all. He came to see me, but would leave pretty soon after a contraction. He didn’t want me to be in pain. He was excited that it meant Sean was coming, but the labor and me being uncomfortable were just things he didn’t like AT ALL. He was the same way when he saw I was in the hospital for the infection. As soon as he got on video chat and saw a hospital bed behind me, his face crumpled and he left very upset and didn’t talk to me again until I was back at Bridget’s house. It didn’t matter that I told him I was okay. Around midnight the contractions were coming about every 2 minutes and lasting a minute to a minute and a half. So we decided to go to the hospital because I didn’t want to be in transition while driving there. Mama and Michael decided he would go with me and she would stay home with the kids. Renna woke up and climbed into bed with Mama pretty much as soon as we left. We got there and checked in around 12:30am. They checked me around 1:30am and I was 5cm, 80%. Not great. Clearly hospital syndrome in effect. I was starting to lose control and having great difficulty dealing with the pain and intensity. While not transition, it was clearly getting there. There was no back labor, this time, but that didn’t seem to matter much for pain level. The doc checked me around 2am and I was 6cm, 100%, and the head was at +2. They moved me to a room around 3am and I walked all the way there taking like 15 minutes, and Oh My God that was awful. After getting to the room I labored sitting up in the bed. I used to like leaning over the bed, but I didn’t like that this time. The doc checked me again just before 4 am, I think. I was 7cm, 100% (still), and at -2. She said I had a lot of amniotic fluid and that was what keeping Sean from coming down. Yeah, amazingly my water hadn’t broken yet. That was like the first thing to go with my labors with Jamie and Renna so I had been surprised it hadn’t yet. So she broke my water and I swear I must have contained the entire Pacific Ocean in there. With every contraction I soaked the new towels and eventually soaked the bed, too. They started bringing in the warming table and getting everything ready for birth, and that made me feel somewhat hopeful that this wasn’t going to go on for another 6 hours. After 6 contractions that were beyond awful with no rest between them, I couldn’t keep from pushing and said so and was getting a bit desperate. They brought the doc in and she checked me again and said there was a cervical lip all the way around and I couldn’t push yet. I tried my best but even what helped me not push with Renna didn’t work at all. The last half of a contraction and my uterus would contract very hard on it’s own and nothing in this world was ever going to stop it. (Apparently there is some debate about whether or not pushing on a cervical lip is really the wrong thing to do or if it just helps to complete dilation, but that’s a discussion for another time.) After 2 or 3 contractions I knew it wasn’t working and said so and asked for help. Begged might be a better word. She checked me again and I had a lip on two sides and she said she’d just push them back. And then I had to roll over because as Sean was turning down the birth canal they couldn’t get a read on his heartbeat with the monitor, and that took some serious doing and I think in the end they had to help roll me over. I tried moaning through it the way I did with Renna but it wasn’t as productive as pushing without moaning, so I tried to do it without vocalizing and it did feel better. After 4 contractions he was born. It was 4:21am. Less than 4 hours after arriving at the hospital. Less than half an hour after breaking my water. They put him on my chest right away. He was purple and I started talking to him and rubbing him. He was moving and lifting his head and gurgling so he was okay, but they asked to take him to the warmer to help get the fluid out and I said okay. He started crying a minute later, but it was a quiet cry. Every sound he made was quiet, but certain. He pinked up quickly and they brought him back to me and he laid there looking around quietly and making little growly noises. Like a bear. Jamie said Sean should be a bear and he was right. So they were working on delivering the placenta, which took a few pushes and got stuck halfway. Fun stuff. I was bleeding a bit more than she was comfortable with, and she said she wanted to give me pitocin to help it and I said fine. It did make the after contractions a bit more owie and of course them pushing on the uterus to help empty it out and shrink it was not the most fun I’ve ever had. So then she was sewing me up for what seemed like forever. I tore just like I had with Renna, third degree back and first degree front. I think it was at that point that I said, “Can I have some pain killer now?” Haha. They gave me fentanol. Ah, the good stuff. Around 5am Sean started nursing and he nursed for the next 2 hours straight. They wheeled us into a room in the maternity ward around 6am and left us alone. I stayed awake and ordered breakfast around 7am when Sean decided he was done eating and went to sleep for what would be a 4 hour nap. Mama came with Jamie and Renna around 11:30am. Jamie came in smiling and so very happy and relaxed and said, “Hi, Mama! I love you! Where’s baby Sean?” Haha! Renna came in and said, “I want to see baby Sean!” They held him and kissed him then sat with me and snuggled a bit. It was wonderful.

It’s been a week and I’m feeling much better. The OB was appalled that I still had the tube and had me call the urologist that day to try to schedule an appointment to get it out. They couldn’t fit me in until this coming Wednesday, so I’m looking forward to getting rid of this damn thing. I may need to have a stent put in so the stoma will heal but he’ll have to evaluate that when the tube actually comes out. They’ll need to take the gallbladder eventually, too. But that will probably be in a few months. I am so thrilled to be feeling better. And I am. The kidney pain is much better now and the tube is capped off and everything’s working properly the way it should. There was no sediment even two days after the birth, which is how I knew I could cap it off and it’d be fine. I’m gaining strength every day. The tube still bothers me, of course, but it’s better. I’m so hopeful to be healthy and normal soon. Until then I’ll be having a babymoon with my little miracle. We sleep very well together, especially on the couch with him on my chest. He still wants to be in the womb, and that’s as close as he can get. And we both love it.

The birth was intense and I wasn’t as composed as I was with Renna’s birth. In early labor Mama took good care of me, leaving me alone when I wanted it and bringing me drinks and food, and staying with me when I wanted her to. At the end, I was the screaming woman in movies who no one wants to be. Seriously. But for a hospital birth, it was very good. The doctor treated me with respect and was responsive and didn't treat me like I was a difficult patient for being a vbac. Perhaps that's in large part because labor was so advanced and progressing so rapidly, but I appreciated it. Michael was helpful and helped me keep what endurance and focus I had. He didn’t promise that things were almost over, he just told me how well I was doing, how strong I was, how every contraction brought Sean closer to us, and got me to breathe. He could tell when I was nearing transition and his calm and confidence really helped me know that things weren’t going to last forever and that it was okay. Although, to a certain extant, I’m not sure how much I heard him sometimes. I was so busy trying to hang on and find that calm place I had with Renna’s and Charlie’s births. Throughout the labor, I wanted to be holed up away from distractions, dangers, people, etc. I think my endurance and pain tolerance were severely impacted by all the pain I’ve been in for the last 4.5 months. I just didn’t have any more endurance left. I just didn’t have the reserves for handling labor the way I wanted. But in the end, I did it. I gave birth to my son. And he’s amazing. Before leaving for the hospital, I told Mama and Michael that I didn’t want to do this again. No more labors. If I was going to have any more children it would have to be a scheduled cesarean because I was done. My boy is eight days old today. And I’ve already decided he’s should have a little brother or sister.

And two tube exhanges later...

So I've had two more tube exchanges since the last time I posted, one the next day, and one just this morning. It's only been a day under two weeks between exchanges this time, which is better than a week and a half, I guess. The last exchange hurt quite a bit but I had no soreness afterward, which was amazing and wonderful. And this time it REALLY hurt. But they did put in a size larger tube in the hopes that I can go a bit longer between exchanges. Now I'm waiting for the urine culture to see if there's another infection. I think there is. There have been two infections already. I'm really ready to be done with all of this. I'm reaching the limits of my ability to deal with this. It feels horrible to say that, though. I'm hanging in there for Sean and will continue to do so, but if there continue to be complications, I'm not sure it's worth it to keep going in this way. I'm getting more stressed, and infections seem to keep cropping up, and I'm already on antibiotics. I want a second opinion about the risks of removing the stone and tube. I think the risks of continuing the way we have are no longer lower than the risks of going in to get it. But I'm not a professional. At this point I'm just hanging in there and trying to be grateful for everything that's going right, which is Sean's health and growth. Of course, since he's breech, I'm working on convincing him that's not as comfortable as head down. But he's an active happy baby, so that's a big blessing.

I Want a Boring Life!

Life has been anything but peaceful or calm since Nana, Michael and the kids moved to Tacoma. They seem to be settling in well, for the most part. Jamie and Renna aren't so angry with me anymore. At first, Jamie wouldn't talk to me or about me or even stay in the room if others talked about me or if I was talking to them over the phone or via video chat. I tried to hide my struggles with their absence from Mama, but when discussing Jamie's anger I just couldn't keep from crying. So Mama told Jamie about it and that I was sad, too. He didn't want to hear it, but seemed to think about it. A few hours later he led Mama to Michael's (and eventually my) bedroom. Mama told him it was our bedroom and that I would sleep there when I came to Tacoma. He looked around and said quietly, "But Mama's not here, yet." So they talked about it some more briefly, and when I called to video chat that night he stayed to talk to me. Since then he and Renna have gone back and forth between wanting to talk and being upset that I'm on a screen instead of with them. But overall they're both adjusting to the separation. Renna is having the harder time with it, I think. She's happy to play with me during our video chats (Peek-a-boo, Got Your Nose, giving me "food" she's made), but she wants me there. Jamie is getting to the point where he's can take it for granted that he can call me anytime and see me. He loves reading what I type on the chat box and types in smiley faces to me. I've sent them candy, Starburst for Jamie and Tootsie Rolls for Renna, with flash cards for them to learn and show me when we're together again. And they're using the countdown calendar and Jamie even remembers how many are left (40, like Lent).

I was hospitalized a week ago last Thursday until the following Monday (a week ago today). The pain and burning at the tube site had become really bad and was preventing me from sleeping and the vicodin wasn't helping dull it anymore. So after crying on the phone to the nurse at the urologist's office, I was instructed to go to the ER. Bridget and I spent all day there, and finally she had her mom have her dad call the ER doc in charge for that day who was a personal family friend. He was awesome and hilarious. He came in announcing he was there because Pat M called him. And he handed my care to a doc he trained and told him that I wasn't their standard patient. He said I was "a pleasant young lady. She's an astrophysics grad student finishing her Ph.D. She conceived within the bonds of matrimony. And she wants to continue the pregnancy. I know. We don't get many patients like her. She's not your typical drug addicted MC Hammer wannabe crackho girlfriend. I know. You're welcome." This hilarity occurred after proper drugs had been administered so I was well enough to laugh. The tube was clogged for the 3rd time after only 2 and a half weeks. And the kidney was massively infected. Surprise! Surprise! I don't get a fever with infection unless it's strep. And I knew I had to have an infection but no one listened (because I didn't have a fever) until the urinalysis at the prenatal appointment showed nitrites which indicated infection. And so I had been on Macrobid since the week before because of a UTI, but after testing for sensitivities this bacteria, pseudomonas aeruginosa, it was found that was totally ineffective against it. So now I'm on Cipro, which it is sensitive to, until Sean is born. I had numerous NSTs as well, and apparently my uterus is "irritable", meaning I have tons of small contractions all the time. I knew that. Sometimes they're frequent and quite intense, other times they're totally unnoticeable. Either way Sean doesn't seem to care and they don't seem to be productive so it's not an issue. They measured Sean as being 3lbs 1oz plus or minus 3oz at 27w6d. The 28 week fetal development stats say he should be around 2lb 4oz. Yeah right. At the prenatal, the OB predicted he'd be 8 pounds something. He asked if I had big babies and I said no and told him Jamie's and Renna's birth weights (7lb15oz, and 8lb6oz, respectively). He laughed and said those were big babies. We joked about not wanting a 10lb baby and he joked that if he still seemed big in a few weeks I could start a pack a day smoking regimen. Anyway, it was nice to get a few photos of Sean and to get an estimate of his weight then. Of course he's bigger now. It makes me feel better that he's so big because if he were born now, he should do really well. But thankfully that's not anything we're worried about right now. :)

Well, since being released I started feeling better. Then not better. The kidney pain started again. Enough pain that I couldn't sleep last night. So I called IR and will have the tube changed again tomorrow. It's only been a week and a half. The nurse said that if you have any sediment then the tube can clog at any time. Since starting the new antibiotics I hadn't noticed any sediment until Friday when the urine started to be bloody randomly and now it's pretty consistently bloody. And the sediment is strange. It's red and is in long thin strands, filamentary in nature. And on Friday I started having hot flashes and chills, which could be signs of infection, but I'm on an antibiotic that supposedly works for this bacteria. So maybe it's debris from the bacteria as the colony is dying and being washed out. But it could also be pregnancy. But I've never really had hot flashes where I nearly passed out before. Usually I just run a bit hot. So hopefully this will help and if it doesn't, I'll become one of those patients who bugs docs all the time until they figure out what's wrong. I'm not going to wait until it gets bad anymore. I'm not going to assume that the pain I'm feeling is "normal". I've caught this tube early and will get it fixed and that should help. I know what a clogged tube feels like and this is it. I've probably got 3-4 days until the pain gets bad, but I'm not waiting that long.

Oh, and because I was in the hospital I missed meeting Sharon from Three Irish Girls. Bridget and I were going to go to her trunk show at Windy Knitty in Chicago. Ah, well. We'll have to go to another show so we can meet her.

Anyway, I really want a boring life. I want to be able to just stay home and snuggle my babies with the most exciting being what we're going to have for dinner or waiting to see if Jamie and Renna will both nap that day. Wouldn't that be lovely?

A Long Hard Road

So I haven't updated in a while. It's been busy.

Baby is definitely a boy and definitely totally healthy. His name is Sean. We found out at the 10.5w scan that he was a he, but they wanted to wait until the 16w appointment to confirm. It's confirmed. He's now 23w today and a very active child. I feel him move a lot everyday. I'm carrying low and in front, just like Jamie and Charlie. I feel like he's trying to stretch out in all directions like Jamie did, too. I just hope he doesn't find the ribs like Jamie did. Ouch.

Michael successfully defended his dissertation and is now a Dr. He has a job in Tacoma and the family is moving with him. Except for me. I'm staying to finish my dissertation. We've rented a house there, and it's very nice from what we can tell from the website and Bill and Cheri visited it and they said it was very nice as well. It has a big yard for the kids and dogs. We're getting this house ready to sell, which means lots of work. But I can't do any of it. Being pregnant limits some if it but the kidney stone limits the rest.

So the stone. I have a huge 1.5 cm kidney stone at the base of the ureter just above the bladder. So they put in a nephrostomy tube and I have a urine back strapped to my leg. The Sunday before Michael defended, they had to take me to the emergency room because I was in A LOT of pain. I've never been at a 10 on the pain scale before, but now I have. It was scary bad. They found it was a kidney stone blocking the flow of urine into the bladder and everything was backing up, the kidney was swelling and causing terrible terrible pain. So with the tube in urine bypasses the ureter to exit out my back. Let me tell you, having that thing inserted was very very painful. Very painful. But then life got much better after that because the pain started to go away. My back felt like someone had taken a meat mallet tenderizer to it. But after almost 2 weeks it felt better and bearable. And 2 weeks later the tube became completely blocked and I had to be rushed to the hospital again. This time they changed the tube, again it was VERY PAINFUL. No painkillers except a local, and while it must have helped (I'm guessing here) it was still really really painful. But mercifully only takes about 5 minutes to do. (Oh, and no signs of infection, which is great!) They're going to change it every 3 weeks to avoid the pain and emergency of another blockage. I've felt again like someone took a meat tenderizer to my back, but it's better. It's still really painful sometimes and I get tired easily and it's been a week. I'm hoping if they do the change with the kidney isn't swollen in terribly painful that it won't hurt so much next time. I have 2 weeks to find out. I've been drinking water all day everyday, lots and lot of it, but still the tube got blocked. Not happy about that I can tell you.

Oh, and while I was in the hospital the first time, the week of Michael's defense, there was a huge storm and the power went out at home. There was major damage. And it didn't all get fixed until last week. Nice.

They can't do anything else to treat the stone until after Sean is born. The treatment for such a huge stone is to put you under completely, go up the whatsit, open the join between the ureter and bladder, blast the stone with a laser, pull out what they can, and put a stint in. The stint stays in a week, and is taken out using only a local. Sounds like a fun day out, huh? But they can't do it while pregnant mostly because all the messing with stuff can bring on labor. So okay. We wait. Jamie keeps asking if the stone is out, and several times he wanted to kiss my owie to make it better. He's come up with ways to get rid of the stone, and to a 3 year old mind it makes perfect sense. I only wish it worked that way.

The kids are stressed by all the changes, but are great kids and doing what they can to help us and have fun. They helped paint shutters yesterday and had great fun doing it. They were really proud of themselves for being so helpful. Of course, for bed time they commenced with WWIII, but that's normal variation for a kid under so much stress, right? I thought so.

I have lots of complicated feelings about the move, and I'm pretty sulky about all the pain I'm in and paranoid about possible further pain and blockages, but I'll save that whining for another post.

Cute Things Update or How Wonderful My Children Are!

Okay, so I haven't kept you updated daily, but several times a week is a realistic start. ;)

When Renna gets flustered, or drops something, or is otherwise in need of an expression of frustration or consternation she says, "Oh, bumpers!" Can you tell we watch a lot of Chuggington? I'm surprised she didn't pick something from Thomas the Tank Engine since that's her favorite show, but it annoys Jamie so we don't watch it much. It's just too funny when she says it. At dinner last night she dropped a green bean and she said, "Oh, bumpers!" and looked rather distressed as she picked up the dropped veggie from her lap. Then there are the times when she seems to say it for no reason. Like while we're driving she'll suddenly say it a few times, in a sort of matter of fact tone. Funny. I wonder what's going on in her mind in moments like that.

Of course, at dinner last night, she started making the F sound, drawn out. I didn't know what she was doing, maybe just feeling the sensation of saying it or whatever like kids do. I asked her what she was doing. And Jamie repeated the F sound. Then said, "oh, fuck!" I about died. I don't use that word much at all, but I know two others who do. So we told him not to use that word but tried to not make a big hilarious-and-therefore-must-repeat deal out of it.

Another cute thing Renna did last night, happened just before dinner. I had my computer on my lap, my left elbow on it and my chin resting on my hand. Renna, who was sitting next to me, leaned over to look at my computer, said "hmmmm" in a very contemplative way, and put her right hand on her cheek. She was doing what I was doing! Such a sweet girl. I'll enjoy her wanting to be just like me while I can.

Oh, and somehow Renna wandered into Nana's room last night and crawled into bed with her. She usually comes to me to snuggle around 7 am, but I didn't hear her at all so I don't think she even tried to come to our bed. It's the first night she went to Nana's room. I feel a bit guilty, though. Last night she woke up twice, and the second time she was inconsolable so I got her up and sat with her on the couch. She was clearly bothered by something, and we think it's her teeth, but she when I asked if she had any pain or hurts she said no. When Mama asked, she said yes. So Mama gave her children's Motrin and a popsicle and then she tossed and turned on my lap and eventually was drowsy enough for me to put her down. I wasn't very patient or that nurturing. I was too busy being irritated. MamaFail. :(

Jamie was a big boy this morning. Michael and I had to get up early to go to campus, and he was already up. He was thrilled to have us all to himself and went around chatting to us and had breakfast with his Dada. He told Michael that he was a handsome man and had grown up and was big now and was a man and that he'd grow up to be a man, too. He talked to us about his trains and his cereal and his stickers. When we started getting our things together, he asked where we were going and I told him. I was afraid he'd ask to go with us and I'd have to tell him he couldn't go, but he said he wanted to stay here. He didn't want to be alone, he wanted to be with Nana. So I told him I'd be getting Nana up soon and she'd be with him. When I left I told him I loved him and he said he loved me, I blew him a kiss and he blew me one. I told him if he needed me to have Nana call me. He gave me a quizzical look. So I repeated it and asked if he understood. He then looked at me like I was a moron and said yes. I think he doesn't understand why he'd need me while I was gone because his Nana was home. What would he need that she wouldn't get/do for him? Ah, well. At least he loves me even if he doesn't need me.

They're such good kids. We really lucked out with them.

Such an Auspicious Start

Well, I've done a great job of blogging a little thing everyday, huh? Pbbt. So here goes.

When Renna wakes up in the morning or from a nap, Jamie goes to her and says, "Hello, Renna. Did you have a rest? Do you feel good?" And gives her a hug and/or a kiss.

Renna has started whimpering like a dog when she's disgruntled. And she sounds just like a dog! I'm not sure why she started this, but she's clearly been taking lessons from Sophie.

They both love McDonald's chicken nuggets and french fries. They eat really well when they get to have it.

They like to play hide and seek with their trains. Jamie hides them while Renna hides her eyes, then they both go looking for them.

Going to Try

I'm going to try to post something everyday. Something cute or awesome or otherwise wonderful about Jamie and Renna. It's so easy to forget the wonderful little things they do and I'd like to be able to look back and read about the endearing things they did. Plus, on days when they have been trying my patience, pushing their limits, and acting out, it'll be good to take a minute to remember the sweet things they did that day.

Jamie has been screeching all day long. He's playing stories in his mind based on Scooby Doo episodes and acting them out. This is not the good thing he did today, but it is very cool to see his imagination taking off. The cute thing he did today happened when he was sitting next to Daniel. He turned to Daniel and said, "I'm sad because you're leaving soon to go home to Rachel." Aw. He loves his Uncle Daniel and has really enjoyed his light-heartedness and his easy going nature. They've had a lot of fun together.

Jamie has been acting out lately because Michael has been working all day everyday for several weeks trying to get his dissertation done. So he hasn't gotten much time with his Dada. So tonight Dada gave them their bath and is reading stories. Jamie didn't want anyone else to do anything for him, just his Dada.

Renna had her pediatrician appointment this morning. She's on the 6% for weight (22.8 lbs), 92% for height (35.5"), and 96% for head circumference (49.5 cm). So since 4 months old when she thinned out she's continuing to track 5-15% for weight, and since birth has tracked over 90% in height and 95-97% for head circumference. She freaked out when the nurse laid her down to take her height, and didn't forgive them. After getting the lollipop and sticker she was much happier.

The cute thing Renna did today happened while we were out shopping. We started to drive off from the shoe store (where they were both maniacs having lots of fun chasing each other and running around), and I turned to check for cars while backing out of the parking space and noticed Renna had this odd expression on her face. She was totally incredulous. She wasn't strapped into her car seat. So I pulled back into the space, and she got strapped in. That seemed to make her happy.

Renna is totally potty trained now, including at night and while out. She had a small accident this morning in bed. She started to pee, stopped herself and ran to the potty. The other accident she had was last week. She was sick, had a long nap and peed in her sleep. While we had her in diapers at night (for a month) she didn't use a single diaper or have a single accident. I got her to use the toilet the other day instead of the little potty, so soon enough she'll be using that instead. And we'll only have flushing to do instead of flushing and cleaning out the potty.

My Mother

I know everyone on Rav already knows how awesome my mom is. But I thought it would be nice to say it again. She's a wonderful person, a generous and loving soul. She is happy to do anything to help any one of us, Michael, the kids, me. She works harder than she has to, and doesn't rest and relax as much as she should. We're working on that. We got her a camera because she's interested in photography and think it would be a good new hobby to take up. I'm continuing to enable her knitting, most especially her newly acquired sock knitting habit, as well. Because of her we all have a better life, together. The kids are more secure and confident because they have her. When I take too long to do/get something for them, they go to Nana because they know they can go to her and she'll take care of them. They don't even question it. They love her very much. And so do I. And so does Michael. When she was in the hospital, Jamie and Renna wanted to know where she was and when she was coming home. When they got to see her, it made everything okay and they could wait until she came home. I'm who I am in large part because of her. She's never been perfect, but she's always been perfect for me. I love you, Mama. Happy Mother's Day.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is tomorrow. We celebrated last weekend because Michael went to Kristin's graduation. But of course when we did celebrate I thought about the kids a lot. I sobbed through mass thinking about my Charlie. I thought about how lucky I am to have Jamie and Renna, both of them alive and well and happy loving children. How lucky we are that we still have Jamie despite almost losing him twice. How lucky we are that Renna is the epitome of perfect health. Seriously, she's hardly ever sick and when she is she has the mildest case in the family. How lucky we are that Charlie was with us for any amount of time, even if it was too short. How lucky we are that BorG4 is on the way and with God's blessings and Nature's cooperation we'll have him/her in our arms and thriving before the anniversary of Charlie's death. I'm a mother. I'm a mother 4 times over. Life began 4 times.

Created April 8th, 2007.

Created September 20th, 2008.

Created September 5th, 2010.

Created March 20th, 2011.

One life we clutched from death twice. One life is the epitome of good health. One life was taken too soon. One life is mostly just a promise and dreams. But they are my children. They all bring me sadness. They all bring me fear. They all bring me joy. And they all make life infinitely more meaningful and satisfying than anything else in the world.

Lent

For Lent I'm not giving up anything. Friends and family agree I've given up enough already. So I'm doing something for myself. I haven't been able to write in Charlie's journal or write up his birth story so that's what I'm going to do. For an hour a day or every other day, but no less often, I'm going to have time alone for reflection. I'll write in the journal, knit, think, reflect, meditate. It'll be time for me to just be.

Kelsey - That'll Do

My sweet Kelsey, more wolf than herder, left us to be with her mama Brandy and her friends Tigger and Murphy. I'm sure Brida is there, too, shaking her head at all the fuss they're surely making. Hopefully they're all playing with Charlie and watching over us. Kelsey was always a wild one, spirited and fun loving. She was a fierce protectress of her pack. We miss her very much.

She started to decline in health before Murphy left, then got better for a while to pick up the slack in protection duties that he left behind. Then after Tigger, she started to fade again, until we brought home Sophie. She then taught Miss Sophie Sunshine all she knew about being the alpha dog, and they snuggled a lot. Then at the end of November, we nearly lost her and found out she had laryngeal paralysis. We treated her with sedatives and changed our patterns to keep her calmer. We even put a sign up on the door that said, "Quiet please, baby sleeping" so anyone coming to the house wouldn't knock on the door. Then Saturday February 5th, she had a bad attack. We all sat with her and waited for the sedative to kick in. We stroked her haid and tried to keep her calm, and she was happy with us being there. The next day, we decided to not go knitting as we usually do. About an hour before we were going to get ready for mass, she had another attack. But this one was worse. We gave her the full dose and waited, trying to calm her, stroking her fur, but she couldn't seem to get really calm. I felt her heart was becoming erratic, and even thud really hard once, and I knew she needed more help. So we bundled her up to go to the vet's office but before we could even get her in the car, she was gone. There hadn't been enough time for the sedative to get into her bloodstream and work. Less than half an hour after it started, she was gone. Her attack was sudden and out of the blue with no excitement to trigger it. I guess it was just time for her to go home.

She was our fierce defender. I feel like she gave to us more than I gave to her. I didn't always appreciate her the way I should have. She worked hard to be our guardian. But she doesn't have to anymore.



You were a good girl, Kelsey. You were the best protector and worked hard to keep us safe. That'll do, girl. Go play with your Brandy now.

Bad Poetry

Before I heard your heart, you owned mine.
I dreamed about your face, and imagined your first smile.
I dreamed of the hours we’d spend nursing, your hand wrapped around my thumb.
I dreamed how you’d play with your brother and sister,
And the mischief you’d get into.
While I dreamed of our life together, you were already slipping away.
Before I knew you existed, you were already dying.
Some will forget you, but we never will.
You held on to our bond and grew happily, unaware of time running out.
It seems to some that you were just a dream.
But you were real to me.
You were real, and you were perfect,
And always will be.

Changes

So. New developments. It's riskier for me to continue than to let nature take it's course. So we're inducing on Wednesday. I've worked out the arrangements with the grad school and my fellowship, so now I just need to make memorial service arrangements. There's an interesting article that Michael found to reassure us (and rebut anyone who might question our decision) on the moral, spiritual, and philosophical implications of our decision. It was very hard for us to make this decision, but we must do what is best and has the least risk to my life. Charlie won't live more than an hour whether he's born now or at 30 weeks. Even the full life support of my body will be insufficient for him all too soon, and it's not helpful to him or us to put my life at risk. We'll have a memorial service and he'll be cremated. After that, I'll have time to heal physically and to begin to accept his death.

No More New Year's

We aren't going to be celebrating New Year's anymore. As an astrophysicist, I can't get over the arbitrariness of it. It's changed so many times since the beginning of written record and is different in different cultures even now. Nothing changes. The celestial bodies don't line up or hit any special spots in their orbits or in relation to each other, and their movements don't change. I don't understand the appeal of celebrating the "unknown to come". I know some of what's to come, and some is good and some is going to be horrible. So why should I celebrate 2011? My son is going to die. Michael will *hopefully* get a job and we will move. I will graduate and rejoin the family and start looking for jobs. So good things and one horrible thing that will make the arbitrary calendar year of 2011 so horrible that nothing good can salvage it. So we're going to celebrate our blessings and take comfort in the fact that life goes on and things change no matter what. No matter how bad things are, things will change and get better. No matter how good things are things could change and get worse or better. But we have each other and we'll be okay, no matter what numbers are on the calendar.