Bad Poetry

Before I heard your heart, you owned mine.
I dreamed about your face, and imagined your first smile.
I dreamed of the hours we’d spend nursing, your hand wrapped around my thumb.
I dreamed how you’d play with your brother and sister,
And the mischief you’d get into.
While I dreamed of our life together, you were already slipping away.
Before I knew you existed, you were already dying.
Some will forget you, but we never will.
You held on to our bond and grew happily, unaware of time running out.
It seems to some that you were just a dream.
But you were real to me.
You were real, and you were perfect,
And always will be.

Changes

So. New developments. It's riskier for me to continue than to let nature take it's course. So we're inducing on Wednesday. I've worked out the arrangements with the grad school and my fellowship, so now I just need to make memorial service arrangements. There's an interesting article that Michael found to reassure us (and rebut anyone who might question our decision) on the moral, spiritual, and philosophical implications of our decision. It was very hard for us to make this decision, but we must do what is best and has the least risk to my life. Charlie won't live more than an hour whether he's born now or at 30 weeks. Even the full life support of my body will be insufficient for him all too soon, and it's not helpful to him or us to put my life at risk. We'll have a memorial service and he'll be cremated. After that, I'll have time to heal physically and to begin to accept his death.

No More New Year's

We aren't going to be celebrating New Year's anymore. As an astrophysicist, I can't get over the arbitrariness of it. It's changed so many times since the beginning of written record and is different in different cultures even now. Nothing changes. The celestial bodies don't line up or hit any special spots in their orbits or in relation to each other, and their movements don't change. I don't understand the appeal of celebrating the "unknown to come". I know some of what's to come, and some is good and some is going to be horrible. So why should I celebrate 2011? My son is going to die. Michael will *hopefully* get a job and we will move. I will graduate and rejoin the family and start looking for jobs. So good things and one horrible thing that will make the arbitrary calendar year of 2011 so horrible that nothing good can salvage it. So we're going to celebrate our blessings and take comfort in the fact that life goes on and things change no matter what. No matter how bad things are, things will change and get better. No matter how good things are things could change and get worse or better. But we have each other and we'll be okay, no matter what numbers are on the calendar.