Dear Charlie,

It's January 13th.  Two years ago today you left us.  It seems like so much has happened and yet like it was only yesterday that I held you.  I know you're with me everyday, and that helps the missing you.  I bought white miniature roses for your anniversary.  They are small and pure and beautiful, just like you.  You are remembered every day.

A friend showed me this by Jess MaHarry a few weeks ago. 

On the back it says, "I am always with you.  Be brave, have courage, and love life."  Your memorial was on the Jewish New Year of Trees, and as my friend described it, it's the promise of the light to come from the midst of darkness.  The dove, well, yeah, you get that symbol.  And we're the mother and child.  The mother is supposed to say those words to her child, but I have always felt you saying that to me.  I do feel you are always with me.  My sweet boy.  I will be brave and act with confidence as much as I can.  I will appreciate life's blessings and embrace them without reservation.  I will act with kindness and patience and love.  I will love life.  And I will live it to the fullest knowing you are with me, by my side.

Even If I Couldn't Stay

My mother loved me
So much
That I broke her heart.

While wrapped in the loving embrace
Of her womb,
I was perfect.
To her.

I am no longer encumbered
By the imperfections of my body
I was born into the Light.
My soul is free.

My freedom
Came at a heavy price
For her.

She held my tiny
Body with love.
She saw only perfection.

She could not feel
My arms around her
While she cried.

But they were there.
I held her
While she held me

Ever after
Each gutwrenching sob
I held her

One day
We will be
Together
Again.

She saw the imperfect child that I was
When she held me.
She will see the perfect soul that I am
When I greet her.

She will not see the
Baby she lost.
She will see the
Man I am.

Until then
I am her angel.
I hold her when she gets lost
In the pain of my absence.
I will watch over
My brothers and sisters.
She makes sure
they remember me.

I loved my mother
So much
That I sent her my brother
To fill her aching arms.

He holds her tight.
And I hold them both.

I am still here.
With my family.
With my mother.
I am still loved.

My mother loved me
So much
That I broke her heart.

But I loved her
So much
That I had to come.

Even if I couldn't stay.

Dear Charlie

Dear Charlie,

It's been a year since we lost you. It's been a year since we held you, lifeless. It's been a very hard year. Since your death, we've welcomed your little brother into our family. Since your death, I've had some serious health problems for months with severe pain, and am finally recovering now. Since your death, your father successfully defended his dissertation and started a new job in another state. Since your death, we moved across country and brought you with us. Since your death, we have missed you and grieved for you. When asked how many children we have, you are always included. I think of you everyday. I try to not think about what I had hoped, and mostly succeed. I try to not relive your brief life, but mostly fail. I remember holding you, growing inside me. I remember holding you, born and lifeless and so small. I loved you with all my heart. I still do. As Father Bob said at your memorial, I look forward to the day when we will be together again and instead of holding you, you will hold me. And I will be healed. Until then, I will always ache for you and be grateful for the love we could give each other. Love is eternal. And so are you.

I remember you. Dada remembers you. Nana remembers you. We'll help Jamie and Renna remember you and we'll help Sean to know you. You are remembered by those who love me. In this way you will live on as more than scars on my body and in my heart.

A yarn colorway was designed in your memory, Glimpse. The sale of yarn in this colorway raised a lot of money to help other heartbroken parents. Sharon, The Yarnista of Three Irish Girls, designed the colorway perfectly with help and input from two other women who asked her to make an expression of the heartbreak and hope of love and recovery and life that parents experience when they've lost a child. It's perfect. In the yellows, I can see your smile shining down on me through my grief, loving me. I knit myself a sweater in it. I wear it and remember you. I feel you near me. I have a shawl in, knit for me by a friend and given to me for Sean's birth. I wear it and think of you. Nana knit a sweater and hat and booties for Sean, in memory of you.

We remember you. We love you.

Getting It All Together

Happy New Year to everyone. We've been getting organized. The stash is organized and the for sale or trade yarn photographed and up on Rav. I worked on getting the yarns I used for old projects updated and stashed and linked to the projects and it's almost done. I still have stash to list on Rav. I haven't photographed it yet, but I'm not sure I'm going to do that. I'm using the stash notes to find projects and updating my queue with notes on the yarn and for whom. We've made a list of crafts to make people for Christmas as well as putting a reminder on the calendar. We've made a schedule so I can get time for working on my dissertation and so Mama can get time for writing. We've made a budget and we think we can basically stick to it. There's no room for anything else, even emergencies, so we're going to keep our lives as simple as possible. We'll be making everything we eat from scratch, including bread (and since I make awesome bread that's no sacrifice) and we won't be eating out at all. We'll be using up stash yarn and fabric. If we can't make it ourselves, we'll see about buying used. And really, it feels great to be living simply and using up what we have instead of accumulating more. We've discovered yarn and fabric we'd forgotten about and tried new recipes we now love and rediscovered old recipes we love. We're making Jamie and Renna a new blanket out of stash fabric. It's double sided, very colorful, and is going to be very warm. And most of the fabric has been in stash for years and now it's being put to good use.

Sean Is Born!

I started up a 3-5 minute full strength contraction labor pattern Thanksgiving evening around 11pm. It continued throughout the night, keeping me from sleeping. This continued all the next day as well. I was able to knit some, but mostly stayed on the birthing ball trying to get things going in the hopes that this early labor wouldn’t last as long as it did with Renna’s birth. No such luck. I went to bed around 11pm and the contractions spaced out enough for me to sleep a few hours at a time. I woke up at 6am and couldn’t sleep anymore and the contractions were back to every 3-5 minutes, lasting a minute to a minute and a half. The in-laws were taking Jamie and Renna to the Children’s museum, so I knew I’d have some peace and quiet for a few hours. After everyone was up I went back to bed and stayed in the bedroom. I didn’t really want anyone around me. I kept up drinking and peeing and eating, with Mama bringing me food and drinks and checking in on me regularly, and tried to rest when it felt right and move around when that felt right. I expected to want to go in the shower at some point but I didn’t. After the in-laws came back with the kids, they had some leftovers and then left to drive back to Oregon. The kids resisted going to bed. Renna had wanted to be with me as much as possible and wanted even to sleep in my bed while I labored. The moans didn’t bother her much. She seemed to want to comfort me, but seemed to have an understanding that it was okay and what needed to happen. That is what we told her, but she didn’t need any reassurance about it. But she wanted to help me and was upset when Mama and Michael made her go to bed. Jamie was very upset. He didn’t like the moaning. I don’t think he remembered Renna’s birth at all. He came to see me, but would leave pretty soon after a contraction. He didn’t want me to be in pain. He was excited that it meant Sean was coming, but the labor and me being uncomfortable were just things he didn’t like AT ALL. He was the same way when he saw I was in the hospital for the infection. As soon as he got on video chat and saw a hospital bed behind me, his face crumpled and he left very upset and didn’t talk to me again until I was back at Bridget’s house. It didn’t matter that I told him I was okay. Around midnight the contractions were coming about every 2 minutes and lasting a minute to a minute and a half. So we decided to go to the hospital because I didn’t want to be in transition while driving there. Mama and Michael decided he would go with me and she would stay home with the kids. Renna woke up and climbed into bed with Mama pretty much as soon as we left. We got there and checked in around 12:30am. They checked me around 1:30am and I was 5cm, 80%. Not great. Clearly hospital syndrome in effect. I was starting to lose control and having great difficulty dealing with the pain and intensity. While not transition, it was clearly getting there. There was no back labor, this time, but that didn’t seem to matter much for pain level. The doc checked me around 2am and I was 6cm, 100%, and the head was at +2. They moved me to a room around 3am and I walked all the way there taking like 15 minutes, and Oh My God that was awful. After getting to the room I labored sitting up in the bed. I used to like leaning over the bed, but I didn’t like that this time. The doc checked me again just before 4 am, I think. I was 7cm, 100% (still), and at -2. She said I had a lot of amniotic fluid and that was what keeping Sean from coming down. Yeah, amazingly my water hadn’t broken yet. That was like the first thing to go with my labors with Jamie and Renna so I had been surprised it hadn’t yet. So she broke my water and I swear I must have contained the entire Pacific Ocean in there. With every contraction I soaked the new towels and eventually soaked the bed, too. They started bringing in the warming table and getting everything ready for birth, and that made me feel somewhat hopeful that this wasn’t going to go on for another 6 hours. After 6 contractions that were beyond awful with no rest between them, I couldn’t keep from pushing and said so and was getting a bit desperate. They brought the doc in and she checked me again and said there was a cervical lip all the way around and I couldn’t push yet. I tried my best but even what helped me not push with Renna didn’t work at all. The last half of a contraction and my uterus would contract very hard on it’s own and nothing in this world was ever going to stop it. (Apparently there is some debate about whether or not pushing on a cervical lip is really the wrong thing to do or if it just helps to complete dilation, but that’s a discussion for another time.) After 2 or 3 contractions I knew it wasn’t working and said so and asked for help. Begged might be a better word. She checked me again and I had a lip on two sides and she said she’d just push them back. And then I had to roll over because as Sean was turning down the birth canal they couldn’t get a read on his heartbeat with the monitor, and that took some serious doing and I think in the end they had to help roll me over. I tried moaning through it the way I did with Renna but it wasn’t as productive as pushing without moaning, so I tried to do it without vocalizing and it did feel better. After 4 contractions he was born. It was 4:21am. Less than 4 hours after arriving at the hospital. Less than half an hour after breaking my water. They put him on my chest right away. He was purple and I started talking to him and rubbing him. He was moving and lifting his head and gurgling so he was okay, but they asked to take him to the warmer to help get the fluid out and I said okay. He started crying a minute later, but it was a quiet cry. Every sound he made was quiet, but certain. He pinked up quickly and they brought him back to me and he laid there looking around quietly and making little growly noises. Like a bear. Jamie said Sean should be a bear and he was right. So they were working on delivering the placenta, which took a few pushes and got stuck halfway. Fun stuff. I was bleeding a bit more than she was comfortable with, and she said she wanted to give me pitocin to help it and I said fine. It did make the after contractions a bit more owie and of course them pushing on the uterus to help empty it out and shrink it was not the most fun I’ve ever had. So then she was sewing me up for what seemed like forever. I tore just like I had with Renna, third degree back and first degree front. I think it was at that point that I said, “Can I have some pain killer now?” Haha. They gave me fentanol. Ah, the good stuff. Around 5am Sean started nursing and he nursed for the next 2 hours straight. They wheeled us into a room in the maternity ward around 6am and left us alone. I stayed awake and ordered breakfast around 7am when Sean decided he was done eating and went to sleep for what would be a 4 hour nap. Mama came with Jamie and Renna around 11:30am. Jamie came in smiling and so very happy and relaxed and said, “Hi, Mama! I love you! Where’s baby Sean?” Haha! Renna came in and said, “I want to see baby Sean!” They held him and kissed him then sat with me and snuggled a bit. It was wonderful.

It’s been a week and I’m feeling much better. The OB was appalled that I still had the tube and had me call the urologist that day to try to schedule an appointment to get it out. They couldn’t fit me in until this coming Wednesday, so I’m looking forward to getting rid of this damn thing. I may need to have a stent put in so the stoma will heal but he’ll have to evaluate that when the tube actually comes out. They’ll need to take the gallbladder eventually, too. But that will probably be in a few months. I am so thrilled to be feeling better. And I am. The kidney pain is much better now and the tube is capped off and everything’s working properly the way it should. There was no sediment even two days after the birth, which is how I knew I could cap it off and it’d be fine. I’m gaining strength every day. The tube still bothers me, of course, but it’s better. I’m so hopeful to be healthy and normal soon. Until then I’ll be having a babymoon with my little miracle. We sleep very well together, especially on the couch with him on my chest. He still wants to be in the womb, and that’s as close as he can get. And we both love it.

The birth was intense and I wasn’t as composed as I was with Renna’s birth. In early labor Mama took good care of me, leaving me alone when I wanted it and bringing me drinks and food, and staying with me when I wanted her to. At the end, I was the screaming woman in movies who no one wants to be. Seriously. But for a hospital birth, it was very good. The doctor treated me with respect and was responsive and didn't treat me like I was a difficult patient for being a vbac. Perhaps that's in large part because labor was so advanced and progressing so rapidly, but I appreciated it. Michael was helpful and helped me keep what endurance and focus I had. He didn’t promise that things were almost over, he just told me how well I was doing, how strong I was, how every contraction brought Sean closer to us, and got me to breathe. He could tell when I was nearing transition and his calm and confidence really helped me know that things weren’t going to last forever and that it was okay. Although, to a certain extant, I’m not sure how much I heard him sometimes. I was so busy trying to hang on and find that calm place I had with Renna’s and Charlie’s births. Throughout the labor, I wanted to be holed up away from distractions, dangers, people, etc. I think my endurance and pain tolerance were severely impacted by all the pain I’ve been in for the last 4.5 months. I just didn’t have any more endurance left. I just didn’t have the reserves for handling labor the way I wanted. But in the end, I did it. I gave birth to my son. And he’s amazing. Before leaving for the hospital, I told Mama and Michael that I didn’t want to do this again. No more labors. If I was going to have any more children it would have to be a scheduled cesarean because I was done. My boy is eight days old today. And I’ve already decided he’s should have a little brother or sister.

And two tube exhanges later...

So I've had two more tube exchanges since the last time I posted, one the next day, and one just this morning. It's only been a day under two weeks between exchanges this time, which is better than a week and a half, I guess. The last exchange hurt quite a bit but I had no soreness afterward, which was amazing and wonderful. And this time it REALLY hurt. But they did put in a size larger tube in the hopes that I can go a bit longer between exchanges. Now I'm waiting for the urine culture to see if there's another infection. I think there is. There have been two infections already. I'm really ready to be done with all of this. I'm reaching the limits of my ability to deal with this. It feels horrible to say that, though. I'm hanging in there for Sean and will continue to do so, but if there continue to be complications, I'm not sure it's worth it to keep going in this way. I'm getting more stressed, and infections seem to keep cropping up, and I'm already on antibiotics. I want a second opinion about the risks of removing the stone and tube. I think the risks of continuing the way we have are no longer lower than the risks of going in to get it. But I'm not a professional. At this point I'm just hanging in there and trying to be grateful for everything that's going right, which is Sean's health and growth. Of course, since he's breech, I'm working on convincing him that's not as comfortable as head down. But he's an active happy baby, so that's a big blessing.

I Want a Boring Life!

Life has been anything but peaceful or calm since Nana, Michael and the kids moved to Tacoma. They seem to be settling in well, for the most part. Jamie and Renna aren't so angry with me anymore. At first, Jamie wouldn't talk to me or about me or even stay in the room if others talked about me or if I was talking to them over the phone or via video chat. I tried to hide my struggles with their absence from Mama, but when discussing Jamie's anger I just couldn't keep from crying. So Mama told Jamie about it and that I was sad, too. He didn't want to hear it, but seemed to think about it. A few hours later he led Mama to Michael's (and eventually my) bedroom. Mama told him it was our bedroom and that I would sleep there when I came to Tacoma. He looked around and said quietly, "But Mama's not here, yet." So they talked about it some more briefly, and when I called to video chat that night he stayed to talk to me. Since then he and Renna have gone back and forth between wanting to talk and being upset that I'm on a screen instead of with them. But overall they're both adjusting to the separation. Renna is having the harder time with it, I think. She's happy to play with me during our video chats (Peek-a-boo, Got Your Nose, giving me "food" she's made), but she wants me there. Jamie is getting to the point where he's can take it for granted that he can call me anytime and see me. He loves reading what I type on the chat box and types in smiley faces to me. I've sent them candy, Starburst for Jamie and Tootsie Rolls for Renna, with flash cards for them to learn and show me when we're together again. And they're using the countdown calendar and Jamie even remembers how many are left (40, like Lent).

I was hospitalized a week ago last Thursday until the following Monday (a week ago today). The pain and burning at the tube site had become really bad and was preventing me from sleeping and the vicodin wasn't helping dull it anymore. So after crying on the phone to the nurse at the urologist's office, I was instructed to go to the ER. Bridget and I spent all day there, and finally she had her mom have her dad call the ER doc in charge for that day who was a personal family friend. He was awesome and hilarious. He came in announcing he was there because Pat M called him. And he handed my care to a doc he trained and told him that I wasn't their standard patient. He said I was "a pleasant young lady. She's an astrophysics grad student finishing her Ph.D. She conceived within the bonds of matrimony. And she wants to continue the pregnancy. I know. We don't get many patients like her. She's not your typical drug addicted MC Hammer wannabe crackho girlfriend. I know. You're welcome." This hilarity occurred after proper drugs had been administered so I was well enough to laugh. The tube was clogged for the 3rd time after only 2 and a half weeks. And the kidney was massively infected. Surprise! Surprise! I don't get a fever with infection unless it's strep. And I knew I had to have an infection but no one listened (because I didn't have a fever) until the urinalysis at the prenatal appointment showed nitrites which indicated infection. And so I had been on Macrobid since the week before because of a UTI, but after testing for sensitivities this bacteria, pseudomonas aeruginosa, it was found that was totally ineffective against it. So now I'm on Cipro, which it is sensitive to, until Sean is born. I had numerous NSTs as well, and apparently my uterus is "irritable", meaning I have tons of small contractions all the time. I knew that. Sometimes they're frequent and quite intense, other times they're totally unnoticeable. Either way Sean doesn't seem to care and they don't seem to be productive so it's not an issue. They measured Sean as being 3lbs 1oz plus or minus 3oz at 27w6d. The 28 week fetal development stats say he should be around 2lb 4oz. Yeah right. At the prenatal, the OB predicted he'd be 8 pounds something. He asked if I had big babies and I said no and told him Jamie's and Renna's birth weights (7lb15oz, and 8lb6oz, respectively). He laughed and said those were big babies. We joked about not wanting a 10lb baby and he joked that if he still seemed big in a few weeks I could start a pack a day smoking regimen. Anyway, it was nice to get a few photos of Sean and to get an estimate of his weight then. Of course he's bigger now. It makes me feel better that he's so big because if he were born now, he should do really well. But thankfully that's not anything we're worried about right now. :)

Well, since being released I started feeling better. Then not better. The kidney pain started again. Enough pain that I couldn't sleep last night. So I called IR and will have the tube changed again tomorrow. It's only been a week and a half. The nurse said that if you have any sediment then the tube can clog at any time. Since starting the new antibiotics I hadn't noticed any sediment until Friday when the urine started to be bloody randomly and now it's pretty consistently bloody. And the sediment is strange. It's red and is in long thin strands, filamentary in nature. And on Friday I started having hot flashes and chills, which could be signs of infection, but I'm on an antibiotic that supposedly works for this bacteria. So maybe it's debris from the bacteria as the colony is dying and being washed out. But it could also be pregnancy. But I've never really had hot flashes where I nearly passed out before. Usually I just run a bit hot. So hopefully this will help and if it doesn't, I'll become one of those patients who bugs docs all the time until they figure out what's wrong. I'm not going to wait until it gets bad anymore. I'm not going to assume that the pain I'm feeling is "normal". I've caught this tube early and will get it fixed and that should help. I know what a clogged tube feels like and this is it. I've probably got 3-4 days until the pain gets bad, but I'm not waiting that long.

Oh, and because I was in the hospital I missed meeting Sharon from Three Irish Girls. Bridget and I were going to go to her trunk show at Windy Knitty in Chicago. Ah, well. We'll have to go to another show so we can meet her.

Anyway, I really want a boring life. I want to be able to just stay home and snuggle my babies with the most exciting being what we're going to have for dinner or waiting to see if Jamie and Renna will both nap that day. Wouldn't that be lovely?