Even If I Couldn't Stay

My mother loved me
So much
That I broke her heart.

While wrapped in the loving embrace
Of her womb,
I was perfect.
To her.

I am no longer encumbered
By the imperfections of my body
I was born into the Light.
My soul is free.

My freedom
Came at a heavy price
For her.

She held my tiny
Body with love.
She saw only perfection.

She could not feel
My arms around her
While she cried.

But they were there.
I held her
While she held me

Ever after
Each gutwrenching sob
I held her

One day
We will be
Together
Again.

She saw the imperfect child that I was
When she held me.
She will see the perfect soul that I am
When I greet her.

She will not see the
Baby she lost.
She will see the
Man I am.

Until then
I am her angel.
I hold her when she gets lost
In the pain of my absence.
I will watch over
My brothers and sisters.
She makes sure
they remember me.

I loved my mother
So much
That I sent her my brother
To fill her aching arms.

He holds her tight.
And I hold them both.

I am still here.
With my family.
With my mother.
I am still loved.

My mother loved me
So much
That I broke her heart.

But I loved her
So much
That I had to come.

Even if I couldn't stay.

Dear Charlie

Dear Charlie,

It's been a year since we lost you. It's been a year since we held you, lifeless. It's been a very hard year. Since your death, we've welcomed your little brother into our family. Since your death, I've had some serious health problems for months with severe pain, and am finally recovering now. Since your death, your father successfully defended his dissertation and started a new job in another state. Since your death, we moved across country and brought you with us. Since your death, we have missed you and grieved for you. When asked how many children we have, you are always included. I think of you everyday. I try to not think about what I had hoped, and mostly succeed. I try to not relive your brief life, but mostly fail. I remember holding you, growing inside me. I remember holding you, born and lifeless and so small. I loved you with all my heart. I still do. As Father Bob said at your memorial, I look forward to the day when we will be together again and instead of holding you, you will hold me. And I will be healed. Until then, I will always ache for you and be grateful for the love we could give each other. Love is eternal. And so are you.

I remember you. Dada remembers you. Nana remembers you. We'll help Jamie and Renna remember you and we'll help Sean to know you. You are remembered by those who love me. In this way you will live on as more than scars on my body and in my heart.

A yarn colorway was designed in your memory, Glimpse. The sale of yarn in this colorway raised a lot of money to help other heartbroken parents. Sharon, The Yarnista of Three Irish Girls, designed the colorway perfectly with help and input from two other women who asked her to make an expression of the heartbreak and hope of love and recovery and life that parents experience when they've lost a child. It's perfect. In the yellows, I can see your smile shining down on me through my grief, loving me. I knit myself a sweater in it. I wear it and remember you. I feel you near me. I have a shawl in, knit for me by a friend and given to me for Sean's birth. I wear it and think of you. Nana knit a sweater and hat and booties for Sean, in memory of you.

We remember you. We love you.

Getting It All Together

Happy New Year to everyone. We've been getting organized. The stash is organized and the for sale or trade yarn photographed and up on Rav. I worked on getting the yarns I used for old projects updated and stashed and linked to the projects and it's almost done. I still have stash to list on Rav. I haven't photographed it yet, but I'm not sure I'm going to do that. I'm using the stash notes to find projects and updating my queue with notes on the yarn and for whom. We've made a list of crafts to make people for Christmas as well as putting a reminder on the calendar. We've made a schedule so I can get time for working on my dissertation and so Mama can get time for writing. We've made a budget and we think we can basically stick to it. There's no room for anything else, even emergencies, so we're going to keep our lives as simple as possible. We'll be making everything we eat from scratch, including bread (and since I make awesome bread that's no sacrifice) and we won't be eating out at all. We'll be using up stash yarn and fabric. If we can't make it ourselves, we'll see about buying used. And really, it feels great to be living simply and using up what we have instead of accumulating more. We've discovered yarn and fabric we'd forgotten about and tried new recipes we now love and rediscovered old recipes we love. We're making Jamie and Renna a new blanket out of stash fabric. It's double sided, very colorful, and is going to be very warm. And most of the fabric has been in stash for years and now it's being put to good use.