This Year Ends With Many Promises for the Coming Year

Let me sum up the year in chronological order of events:

• Murphy died.
• Tigger died.
• Kristin visited.
  
• I got pregnant.
• We started applying for jobs.
  
• Kelsey nearly died and was diagnosed with laryngeal paralysis, but which is treatable with sedatives when she gets overexcited.
• We found out the baby is a boy, Charlie.
• We found out Charlie will die just before or after birth sometime before term.
• We decided to delay my graduation because there's no way I can get everything done given the new circumstances.

So basically this year has seen 2 deaths, a near death, and the promise of death in the New Year.

We're doing all we can to handle everything, but it's very hard. The latest blow, that Charlie will not live, has been absolutely devastating. He has a condition which is "incompatible", isn't inherited or caused by anything I did or didn't do, and is very rare. The doctor said that after Jamie's CDH, it's like we survived a plane crash to be hit by a drive by shooting. That does bring me some solace. We've done what we can to "make lemonade" and make decisions that we think are in everyone's best interests. I've decided to let the pregnancy end naturally (which is likely around 30 weeks but perhaps as late as 36 weeks) rather than inducing early. The doctors felt they could do so without much risk of a uterine rupture, but I'm unwilling to take any chances that might, at worst, put my life at risk, and, at best, put my ability to home birth future children at risk. Honestly, I'm happy to give him all I can while I can since I won't be able to do anything else for him. I just want him to know, somehow, that he is loved and very much wanted and will be desperately missed. The other decisions have been to not have him at home, to have a priest there to baptize him (if he lives to birth), to have a memorial service, and to have him cremated. I've also decided to either take some form of leave, or at least to ease off of work until after I've had a chance to recover from the birth. I'm hoping to still be able to defend in the Summer or as soon as possible in the Fall. There are logistics of what to do when Michael has to start his job, where ever that will be, but we need to know where and when before we can really plan that. I dived into knitting to help me cope as soon as we realized there might be a problem. And it's been very helpful since then. My Summer Mothers have been very helpful and supportive as have others on Ravelry, like the Three Irish Girls group. But as I sit here, saying good bye to what was a really painful year, I have no hope for this coming year. There will be good things, and some of them very good, but there will be one very awful thing that will forever make 2011 one of the worst years ever. We will do what we can to make life better for each other and for Jamie and Renna, and we will all be okay.