This Year Ends With Many Promises for the Coming Year

Let me sum up the year in chronological order of events:

• Murphy died.
• Tigger died.
• Kristin visited.
  
• I got pregnant.
• We started applying for jobs.
  
• Kelsey nearly died and was diagnosed with laryngeal paralysis, but which is treatable with sedatives when she gets overexcited.
• We found out the baby is a boy, Charlie.
• We found out Charlie will die just before or after birth sometime before term.
• We decided to delay my graduation because there's no way I can get everything done given the new circumstances.

So basically this year has seen 2 deaths, a near death, and the promise of death in the New Year.

We're doing all we can to handle everything, but it's very hard. The latest blow, that Charlie will not live, has been absolutely devastating. He has a condition which is "incompatible", isn't inherited or caused by anything I did or didn't do, and is very rare. The doctor said that after Jamie's CDH, it's like we survived a plane crash to be hit by a drive by shooting. That does bring me some solace. We've done what we can to "make lemonade" and make decisions that we think are in everyone's best interests. I've decided to let the pregnancy end naturally (which is likely around 30 weeks but perhaps as late as 36 weeks) rather than inducing early. The doctors felt they could do so without much risk of a uterine rupture, but I'm unwilling to take any chances that might, at worst, put my life at risk, and, at best, put my ability to home birth future children at risk. Honestly, I'm happy to give him all I can while I can since I won't be able to do anything else for him. I just want him to know, somehow, that he is loved and very much wanted and will be desperately missed. The other decisions have been to not have him at home, to have a priest there to baptize him (if he lives to birth), to have a memorial service, and to have him cremated. I've also decided to either take some form of leave, or at least to ease off of work until after I've had a chance to recover from the birth. I'm hoping to still be able to defend in the Summer or as soon as possible in the Fall. There are logistics of what to do when Michael has to start his job, where ever that will be, but we need to know where and when before we can really plan that. I dived into knitting to help me cope as soon as we realized there might be a problem. And it's been very helpful since then. My Summer Mothers have been very helpful and supportive as have others on Ravelry, like the Three Irish Girls group. But as I sit here, saying good bye to what was a really painful year, I have no hope for this coming year. There will be good things, and some of them very good, but there will be one very awful thing that will forever make 2011 one of the worst years ever. We will do what we can to make life better for each other and for Jamie and Renna, and we will all be okay.

Hello Sophie

April 10th we brought a ball of love into our home. Sophie is a light-medium colored golden retriever. We decided after losing our beloved Murphy and beloved Tigger that we needed the love of another dog to help us heal. Kelsey has really perked up since we got Sophie. She's continued to have problems with vestibular syndrome having 2 episodes since Tigger died. But she's going off of a longer course of steroids now and is doing okay. Alex was a bit miffed at first and is still jealous sometimes, but he seems to be coming around to her, too. At her recent visit to the vet for second shots, Dr. Vogl proclaimed that she had the perfect temperment. She's loving and calm and snuggly. She is wonderful. She loves to sleep in Mama's closet, but also loves sleeping with Jamie. She's teething and likes to nibble on Jamie and Renna, but they are learning to push her away and let her know that's not acceptable. She's a good girl.

Goodbye Tigger

We lost Tigger on March 23rd. We think she had a heart attack early in the morning on the 19th. We took her to the vet in the afternoon, thinking at the time that maybe she had tweaked her back and was in some pain since she was panting. The panting was from advanced heart disease and fluid on her lungs. We battled for days to try to get ahead of the fluid and ease her breathing. Sunday she stopped eating and we tried forcing her to eat but using a syringe with really tempting foods. But she wouldn't eat it and only swallowed a little. On Monday the vet put her on what he called his "trump" card. And it didn't help at all. Finally, on Wednesday the 23rd, we talked to the vet again. She wasn't getting any better. Her breathing was still labored. She was lethargic. And finally, she was refusing food and water. We tried force feeding her, but she was strenuously resisting. She wasn't yet suffocating, which was a blessing, but it was inevitable. We didn't want her to suffer. So we agreed it was time to say good bye and let her go. More time with her would just mean starvation or suffocation and we couldn't let her go through that. We said goodbye and let Jamie kiss her and pet her. Mama and I took her in the car and Michael stayed at home with the kids. I got out of the car to close the gate behind us, and when I returned Tigger was having the last spasm of a heart attack. Mama looked at me and said she thought she had just died. She had. She died in Mama's arms. We didn't know what else to do so we went to the vet's office. The assistant brought her back to the vet and they had us go into a room. They brought her back to us confirming that she was gone and let us say goodbye again. The vet was wonderful and said some nice things about her, that she was a good girl who'd worked really hard and could rest now. She'd earned it.

She had worked so hard since she was 4 and had her massive blown disc with other discs going periodically, to the point of being on permanent steriods for the last 2 years. Mama loved her so much and she was her baby. Despite all the difficulties she had after her blown disc, she kept going. She hated not being able to sleep on the bed with Mama, but she knew she was loved and lorded it over everyone else that she had a bed all to herself. She peed on the floor and we cleaned it up after her. We kept her well hydrated and she only had one bladder infection, which is amazing and miraculous. She had great spirit and spunk. I'm grateful that she went on her own terms in Mama's arms. She was loved and she knew it. She lived her life doing what she wanted the best she could and loving and living to the fullest. And when she died, I can't help but think it was on her own terms according to her own will. She wasn't put down. There were no extreme measures or interventions by people she didn't know and love. She was in the arms of love, closed her eyes, her heart stopped, and she was in the Arms of Love. She lived according to her own will, and died the same way. We miss her very much.

She’s up there now dancing and playing, ears back as she runs.

Goodbye, Murphy.

We lost Murphy two days ago. He'd had an ear infection and wasn't getting better, so Monday we made an appointment for Tuesday to have blood work done. Then I went out to make him come in from the snow. I had to lead him in. Half an hour later he had gone into shock and we rushed him to the vet. The vet found there was a large mass in his belly that he hadn't felt there the week before. He said we could try some heroics and do surgery and see what it was. He suspected a bowel twist or the spleen. I said do it. It wasn't the bowel or the spleen. His liver was full of tumors and there was very little liver left. He hadn't ever seen a mass that big. Since Murphy was only 3 years old on October 9th, he must have been born with it. So they covered up the messy parts and let me say goodbye. I wish I could have told him how much I loved him before he was unconscious. Before he went into shock. So here's what I'd want him to know and what I hope he somehow does know: Murphy, you were a wonderful dog and a fantastic friend. I love you. You healed me after Brandy died, which I didn't think was possible. I hope we were able to give you the love you deserved and needed. You were my boy, and you were perfect. This tiny house is an empty cavern without you. Jamie misses you and is sad you're gone. When we feed the others, when we get to where you should be getting food, Jamie says "Murphy gone" and is sad. And it breaks my heart all over again. You will be missed and you made a difference in our lives. Thank you for loving us. Thank you for being with us. I love you, Murphs.

Short Update on a Growing Baby

Renna looked at each of us when prompted by our names. It sort of freaked her out a bit when we squealed in delight, but she soon recovered. She also took a step toward a toy she wanted. She is getting ready to start cruising. Of course, she hasn't actually crawled or pulled herself up yet (at least not regularly), but she does like to climb and stand. She's growing so big!

It's a Revolution!

I'm going to try to be a better blogger this year and post once a week. We'll see how long I can keep it up.

Jamie has taken his crib back. We'd been putting Renna in it to have naps and one night we started her there for the night, and Jamie said he wanted to sleep there. So Michael put it back as a toddler bed and he's been sleeping there ever since. I think the only reason he wanted to sleep on the floor before was because that's where the dogs were. But since they moved into Mama's room he was the only one on the floor while we bedshare with Renna. He's such a big boy. So now we have to get a crib for Renna.

Jamie has learned how to open doors. We're in trouble now. This happened the same day he wanted his bed back. Now we're working on getting him to stay in the bedroom even though he physically can escape. Two nights in a row I simply put him back time after time after leaving the door open. The first night it only took a half hour until he fell asleep. The second night it was over an hour. So last night we started with it open, I explained that if he left, then I'd close the door. He left immediately and the door was closed. I had to hold the knob for 15-20 seconds but he got the idea and didn't try it again. He raged about that for a while, finally falling asleep in front of the door. Tonight we explained that if he left, the door would be closed. We have a two strike policy. After the first escape, I repeated that if he left the room, I'd close the door. He stayed in there for a very long time, babbling and looking out the window. Finally he came out again, hoping to play the chase-me-back-to-bed-a-million-times-Mama game. But I explained again what was happening, then I closed the door and he didn't even try to open it. I want him to be able to stay in bed and have the door open because I think it will help him to feel connected the household even while he's in bed. He wants us to go to bed when he does and he doesn't want to be alone. This would be a perfect solution. If we can just get him to stay in bed.

Another big change he's going through is that we've gotten rid of bottles. He resisted at first, but decided that having warm milk in a sippy cup was just as good. We'd been using the bottles for soothing him back to sleep at night and for nap and bed time. But it just wasn't working anymore. He'd drink 2-3 8oz bottles in the middle of the night and keep getting up wanting to play and it wasn't working to help put him to sleep during the day either. He really just wanted to walk around with one all day long and drink only milk and not eat food because he wouldn't have to stop to eat. He could just keep playing and exploring and not be hungry. No. He needs more nutrition than just milk and the occasional food. He's been bottle free for 2 days and seems just fine. No traumas. :) Of course, part of the transition is that I told him, "Baba no. Tea yes." I've made him tea (it has antioxidants!) and it's pretty diluted and decaf. But he loves it. There were tears a few times, but we calmed him in other ways and he's been fine.

After some discussion with Mama and Michael, I've discovered what makes the Terrible Twos so terrible. I mean, I knew there were tantrums and things, but I never knew why. I mean, what makes the age of 2 so special that it makes most children begin screaming and raging? Until recently, Jamie has been able to have or get whatever he wanted because the only limitations on him were physical ones. So if he could get it, he could have it. Now, he really has no physical limitations anymore. He can open doors. He can go up and down steps. He can close doors. He can flush the toilet. He can open drawers and cabinets. He can turn on the water. He can climb. He can run. He can pull out the outlet protectors. He can open the fridge. But now his boundaries are intellectual ones. He has to limit himself. He has to limit himself either because he wants to or because we want him to. Obedience is now possible. And he does understand when we tell him things. He can remember long enough to comprehend consequences. This is new. This is where the frustration comes in. We need to be as clear as possible with him and explain things as much as possible and being ironclad consistent is imperative. We put that to use today, and while we had some of the normal tantrums, I think it was successful as well. He's not used to the "if this, then this" from us, but I think he likes it.

Renna is growing by leaps and bounds. Just tonight she said, "Mamamamama, dadadadada" just like that. She's been babbling a ton today. She got her first front tooth on Jamie's second birthday, and her second front tooth 5 days later. At her latest peds appt she measured over the 97th percentile in height and around the 25th percentile in weight. So her height and weight stayed in the same percentile and her weight didn't drop percentiles like it's been doing all along. She's still only getting tastes of solid foods, but she's enjoying it a lot and asking more often. But after only a few tastes she's done and looking for nummies.

Can I just say that I LOVE LOVE LOVE the baby Ergo? It's awesome. Renna loves riding in it when we're out, and she has even slept in it. It's great. Most of the weight is on my hips, not my back! The moby wrap was never that comfortable and I can wear her the entire time we're out shopping and not get tired. Now I just want to try Jamie in it. He got a bit impatient the only time I put him in it, but that was at home and it was nap time. I really wish I'd had it when Jamie was a baby. He still loves the SideRider, though, and so do I.