Knitting Keeps Me Sane

Dear Charlie

2012-01-12T22:43:00.003-05:00

Dear Charlie,

It's been a year since we lost you. It's been a year since we held you, lifeless. It's been a very hard year. Since your death, we've welcomed your little brother into our family. Since your death, I've had some serious health problems for months with severe pain, and am finally recovering now. Since your death, your father successfully defended his dissertation and started a new job in another state. Since your death, we moved across country and brought you with us. Since your death, we have missed you and grieved for you. When asked how many children we have, you are always included. I think of you everyday. I try to not think about what I had hoped, and mostly succeed. I try to not relive your brief life, but mostly fail. I remember holding you, growing inside me. I remember holding you, born and lifeless and so small. I loved you with all my heart. I still do. As Father Bob said at your memorial, I look forward to the day when we will be together again and instead of holding you, you will hold me. And I will be healed. Until then, I will always ache for you and be grateful for the love we could give each other. Love is eternal. And so are you.

I remember you. Dada remembers you. Nana remembers you. We'll help Jamie and Renna remember you and we'll help Sean to know you. You are remembered by those who love me. In this way you will live on as more than scars on my body and in my heart.

A yarn colorway was designed in your memory, Glimpse. The sale of yarn in this colorway raised a lot of money to help other heartbroken parents. Sharon, The Yarnista of Three Irish Girls, designed the colorway perfectly with help and input from two other women who asked her to make an expression of the heartbreak and hope of love and recovery and life that parents experience when they've lost a child. It's perfect. In the yellows, I can see your smile shining down on me through my grief, loving me. I knit myself a sweater in it. I wear it and remember you. I feel you near me. I have a shawl in, knit for me by a friend and given to me for Sean's birth. I wear it and think of you. Nana knit a sweater and hat and booties for Sean, in memory of you.

We remember you. We love you.

Getting It All Together

2012-01-02T00:23:00.003-05:00

Happy New Year to everyone. We've been getting organized. The stash is organized and the for sale or trade yarn photographed and up on Rav. I worked on getting the yarns I used for old projects updated and stashed and linked to the projects and it's almost done. I still have stash to list on Rav. I haven't photographed it yet, but I'm not sure I'm going to do that. I'm using the stash notes to find projects and updating my queue with notes on the yarn and for whom. We've made a list of crafts to make people for Christmas as well as putting a reminder on the calendar. We've made a schedule so I can get time for working on my dissertation and so Mama can get time for writing. We've made a budget and we think we can basically stick to it. There's no room for anything else, even emergencies, so we're going to keep our lives as simple as possible. We'll be making everything we eat from scratch, including bread (and since I make awesome bread that's no sacrifice) and we won't be eating out at all. We'll be using up stash yarn and fabric. If we can't make it ourselves, we'll see about buying used. And really, it feels great to be living simply and using up what we have instead of accumulating more. We've discovered yarn and fabric we'd forgotten about and tried new recipes we now love and rediscovered old recipes we love. We're making Jamie and Renna a new blanket out of stash fabric. It's double sided, very colorful, and is going to be very warm. And most of the fabric has been in stash for years and now it's being put to good use.

Sean Is Born!

2011-12-06T00:45:00.006-05:00

I started up a 3-5 minute full strength contraction labor pattern Thanksgiving evening around 11pm. It continued throughout the night, keeping me from sleeping. This continued all the next day as well. I was able to knit some, but mostly stayed on the birthing ball trying to get things going in the hopes that this early labor wouldn’t last as long as it did with Renna’s birth. No such luck. I went to bed around 11pm and the contractions spaced out enough for me to sleep a few hours at a time. I woke up at 6am and couldn’t sleep anymore and the contractions were back to every 3-5 minutes, lasting a minute to a minute and a half. The in-laws were taking Jamie and Renna to the Children’s museum, so I knew I’d have some peace and quiet for a few hours. After everyone was up I went back to bed and stayed in the bedroom. I didn’t really want anyone around me. I kept up drinking and peeing and eating, with Mama bringing me food and drinks and checking in on me regularly, and tried to rest when it felt right and move around when that felt right. I expected to want to go in the shower at some point but I didn’t. After the in-laws came back with the kids, they had some leftovers and then left to drive back to Oregon. The kids resisted going to bed. Renna had wanted to be with me as much as possible and wanted even to sleep in my bed while I labored. The moans didn’t bother her much. She seemed to want to comfort me, but seemed to have an understanding that it was okay and what needed to happen. That is what we told her, but she didn’t need any reassurance about it. But she wanted to help me and was upset when Mama and Michael made her go to bed. Jamie was very upset. He didn’t like the moaning. I don’t think he remembered Renna’s birth at all. He came to see me, but would leave pretty soon after a contraction. He didn’t want me to be in pain. He was excited that it meant Sean was coming, but the labor and me being uncomfortable were just things he didn’t like AT ALL. He was the same way when he saw I was in the hospital for the infection. As soon as he got on video chat and saw a hospital bed behind me, his face crumpled and he left very upset and didn’t talk to me again until I was back at Bridget’s house. It didn’t matter that I told him I was okay. Around midnight the contractions were coming about every 2 minutes and lasting a minute to a minute and a half. So we decided to go to the hospital because I didn’t want to be in transition while driving there. Mama and Michael decided he would go with me and she would stay home with the kids. Renna woke up and climbed into bed with Mama pretty much as soon as we left. We got there and checked in around 12:30am. They checked me around 1:30am and I was 5cm, 80%. Not great. Clearly hospital syndrome in effect. I was starting to lose control and having great difficulty dealing with the pain and intensity. While not transition, it was clearly getting there. There was no back labor, this time, but that didn’t seem to matter much for pain level. The doc checked me around 2am and I was 6cm, 100%, and the head was at +2. They moved me to a room around 3am and I walked all the way there taking like 15 minutes, and Oh My God that was awful. After getting to the room I labored sitting up in the bed. I used to like leaning over the bed, but I didn’t like that this time. The doc checked me again just before 4 am, I think. I was 7cm, 100% (still), and at -2. She said I had a lot of amniotic fluid and that was what keeping Sean from coming down. Yeah, amazingly my water hadn’t broken yet. That was like the first thing to go with my labors with Jamie and Renna so I had been surprised it hadn’t yet. So she broke my water and I swear I must have contained the entire Pacific Ocean in there. With every contraction I soaked the new towels and eventually soaked the bed, too. They started bringing in the warming table and getting everything ready for birth, and that made me feel somewhat hopeful that this wasn’t going to go on for another 6 hours. After 6 contractions that were beyond awful with no rest between them, I couldn’t keep from pushing and said so and was getting a bit desperate. They brought the doc in and she checked me again and said there was a cervical lip all the way around and I couldn’t push yet. I tried my best but even what helped me not push with Renna didn’t work at all. The last half of a contraction and my uterus would contract very hard on it’s own and nothing in this world was ever going to stop it. (Apparently there is some debate about whether or not pushing on a cervical lip is really the wrong thing to do or if it just helps to complete dilation, but that’s a discussion for another time.) After 2 or 3 contractions I knew it wasn’t working and said so and asked for help. Begged might be a better word. She checked me again and I had a lip on two sides and she said she’d just push them back. And then I had to roll over because as Sean was turning down the birth canal they couldn’t get a read on his heartbeat with the monitor, and that took some serious doing and I think in the end they had to help roll me over. I tried moaning through it the way I did with Renna but it wasn’t as productive as pushing without moaning, so I tried to do it without vocalizing and it did feel better. After 4 contractions he was born. It was 4:21am. Less than 4 hours after arriving at the hospital. Less than half an hour after breaking my water. They put him on my chest right away. He was purple and I started talking to him and rubbing him. He was moving and lifting his head and gurgling so he was okay, but they asked to take him to the warmer to help get the fluid out and I said okay. He started crying a minute later, but it was a quiet cry. Every sound he made was quiet, but certain. He pinked up quickly and they brought him back to me and he laid there looking around quietly and making little growly noises. Like a bear. Jamie said Sean should be a bear and he was right. So they were working on delivering the placenta, which took a few pushes and got stuck halfway. Fun stuff. I was bleeding a bit more than she was comfortable with, and she said she wanted to give me pitocin to help it and I said fine. It did make the after contractions a bit more owie and of course them pushing on the uterus to help empty it out and shrink it was not the most fun I’ve ever had. So then she was sewing me up for what seemed like forever. I tore just like I had with Renna, third degree back and first degree front. I think it was at that point that I said, “Can I have some pain killer now?” Haha. They gave me fentanol. Ah, the good stuff. Around 5am Sean started nursing and he nursed for the next 2 hours straight. They wheeled us into a room in the maternity ward around 6am and left us alone. I stayed awake and ordered breakfast around 7am when Sean decided he was done eating and went to sleep for what would be a 4 hour nap. Mama came with Jamie and Renna around 11:30am. Jamie came in smiling and so very happy and relaxed and said, “Hi, Mama! I love you! Where’s baby Sean?” Haha! Renna came in and said, “I want to see baby Sean!” They held him and kissed him then sat with me and snuggled a bit. It was wonderful.

It’s been a week and I’m feeling much better. The OB was appalled that I still had the tube and had me call the urologist that day to try to schedule an appointment to get it out. They couldn’t fit me in until this coming Wednesday, so I’m looking forward to getting rid of this damn thing. I may need to have a stent put in so the stoma will heal but he’ll have to evaluate that when the tube actually comes out. They’ll need to take the gallbladder eventually, too. But that will probably be in a few months. I am so thrilled to be feeling better. And I am. The kidney pain is much better now and the tube is capped off and everything’s working properly the way it should. There was no sediment even two days after the birth, which is how I knew I could cap it off and it’d be fine. I’m gaining strength every day. The tube still bothers me, of course, but it’s better. I’m so hopeful to be healthy and normal soon. Until then I’ll be having a babymoon with my little miracle. We sleep very well together, especially on the couch with him on my chest. He still wants to be in the womb, and that’s as close as he can get. And we both love it.

The birth was intense and I wasn’t as composed as I was with Renna’s birth. In early labor Mama took good care of me, leaving me alone when I wanted it and bringing me drinks and food, and staying with me when I wanted her to. At the end, I was the screaming woman in movies who no one wants to be. Seriously. But for a hospital birth, it was very good. The doctor treated me with respect and was responsive and didn't treat me like I was a difficult patient for being a vbac. Perhaps that's in large part because labor was so advanced and progressing so rapidly, but I appreciated it. Michael was helpful and helped me keep what endurance and focus I had. He didn’t promise that things were almost over, he just told me how well I was doing, how strong I was, how every contraction brought Sean closer to us, and got me to breathe. He could tell when I was nearing transition and his calm and confidence really helped me know that things weren’t going to last forever and that it was okay. Although, to a certain extant, I’m not sure how much I heard him sometimes. I was so busy trying to hang on and find that calm place I had with Renna’s and Charlie’s births. Throughout the labor, I wanted to be holed up away from distractions, dangers, people, etc. I think my endurance and pain tolerance were severely impacted by all the pain I’ve been in for the last 4.5 months. I just didn’t have any more endurance left. I just didn’t have the reserves for handling labor the way I wanted. But in the end, I did it. I gave birth to my son. And he’s amazing. Before leaving for the hospital, I told Mama and Michael that I didn’t want to do this again. No more labors. If I was going to have any more children it would have to be a scheduled cesarean because I was done. My boy is eight days old today. And I’ve already decided he’s should have a little brother or sister.

And two tube exhanges later...

2011-10-10T12:20:00.002-04:00

So I've had two more tube exchanges since the last time I posted, one the next day, and one just this morning. It's only been a day under two weeks between exchanges this time, which is better than a week and a half, I guess. The last exchange hurt quite a bit but I had no soreness afterward, which was amazing and wonderful. And this time it REALLY hurt. But they did put in a size larger tube in the hopes that I can go a bit longer between exchanges. Now I'm waiting for the urine culture to see if there's another infection. I think there is. There have been two infections already. I'm really ready to be done with all of this. I'm reaching the limits of my ability to deal with this. It feels horrible to say that, though. I'm hanging in there for Sean and will continue to do so, but if there continue to be complications, I'm not sure it's worth it to keep going in this way. I'm getting more stressed, and infections seem to keep cropping up, and I'm already on antibiotics. I want a second opinion about the risks of removing the stone and tube. I think the risks of continuing the way we have are no longer lower than the risks of going in to get it. But I'm not a professional. At this point I'm just hanging in there and trying to be grateful for everything that's going right, which is Sean's health and growth. Of course, since he's breech, I'm working on convincing him that's not as comfortable as head down. But he's an active happy baby, so that's a big blessing.

I Want a Boring Life!

2011-09-25T18:20:00.003-04:00

Life has been anything but peaceful or calm since Nana, Michael and the kids moved to Tacoma. They seem to be settling in well, for the most part. Jamie and Renna aren't so angry with me anymore. At first, Jamie wouldn't talk to me or about me or even stay in the room if others talked about me or if I was talking to them over the phone or via video chat. I tried to hide my struggles with their absence from Mama, but when discussing Jamie's anger I just couldn't keep from crying. So Mama told Jamie about it and that I was sad, too. He didn't want to hear it, but seemed to think about it. A few hours later he led Mama to Michael's (and eventually my) bedroom. Mama told him it was our bedroom and that I would sleep there when I came to Tacoma. He looked around and said quietly, "But Mama's not here, yet." So they talked about it some more briefly, and when I called to video chat that night he stayed to talk to me. Since then he and Renna have gone back and forth between wanting to talk and being upset that I'm on a screen instead of with them. But overall they're both adjusting to the separation. Renna is having the harder time with it, I think. She's happy to play with me during our video chats (Peek-a-boo, Got Your Nose, giving me "food" she's made), but she wants me there. Jamie is getting to the point where he's can take it for granted that he can call me anytime and see me. He loves reading what I type on the chat box and types in smiley faces to me. I've sent them candy, Starburst for Jamie and Tootsie Rolls for Renna, with flash cards for them to learn and show me when we're together again. And they're using the countdown calendar and Jamie even remembers how many are left (40, like Lent).

I was hospitalized a week ago last Thursday until the following Monday (a week ago today). The pain and burning at the tube site had become really bad and was preventing me from sleeping and the vicodin wasn't helping dull it anymore. So after crying on the phone to the nurse at the urologist's office, I was instructed to go to the ER. Bridget and I spent all day there, and finally she had her mom have her dad call the ER doc in charge for that day who was a personal family friend. He was awesome and hilarious. He came in announcing he was there because Pat M called him. And he handed my care to a doc he trained and told him that I wasn't their standard patient. He said I was "a pleasant young lady. She's an astrophysics grad student finishing her Ph.D. She conceived within the bonds of matrimony. And she wants to continue the pregnancy. I know. We don't get many patients like her. She's not your typical drug addicted MC Hammer wannabe crackho girlfriend. I know. You're welcome." This hilarity occurred after proper drugs had been administered so I was well enough to laugh. The tube was clogged for the 3rd time after only 2 and a half weeks. And the kidney was massively infected. Surprise! Surprise! I don't get a fever with infection unless it's strep. And I knew I had to have an infection but no one listened (because I didn't have a fever) until the urinalysis at the prenatal appointment showed nitrites which indicated infection. And so I had been on Macrobid since the week before because of a UTI, but after testing for sensitivities this bacteria, pseudomonas aeruginosa, it was found that was totally ineffective against it. So now I'm on Cipro, which it is sensitive to, until Sean is born. I had numerous NSTs as well, and apparently my uterus is "irritable", meaning I have tons of small contractions all the time. I knew that. Sometimes they're frequent and quite intense, other times they're totally unnoticeable. Either way Sean doesn't seem to care and they don't seem to be productive so it's not an issue. They measured Sean as being 3lbs 1oz plus or minus 3oz at 27w6d. The 28 week fetal development stats say he should be around 2lb 4oz. Yeah right. At the prenatal, the OB predicted he'd be 8 pounds something. He asked if I had big babies and I said no and told him Jamie's and Renna's birth weights (7lb15oz, and 8lb6oz, respectively). He laughed and said those were big babies. We joked about not wanting a 10lb baby and he joked that if he still seemed big in a few weeks I could start a pack a day smoking regimen. Anyway, it was nice to get a few photos of Sean and to get an estimate of his weight then. Of course he's bigger now. It makes me feel better that he's so big because if he were born now, he should do really well. But thankfully that's not anything we're worried about right now. :)

Well, since being released I started feeling better. Then not better. The kidney pain started again. Enough pain that I couldn't sleep last night. So I called IR and will have the tube changed again tomorrow. It's only been a week and a half. The nurse said that if you have any sediment then the tube can clog at any time. Since starting the new antibiotics I hadn't noticed any sediment until Friday when the urine started to be bloody randomly and now it's pretty consistently bloody. And the sediment is strange. It's red and is in long thin strands, filamentary in nature. And on Friday I started having hot flashes and chills, which could be signs of infection, but I'm on an antibiotic that supposedly works for this bacteria. So maybe it's debris from the bacteria as the colony is dying and being washed out. But it could also be pregnancy. But I've never really had hot flashes where I nearly passed out before. Usually I just run a bit hot. So hopefully this will help and if it doesn't, I'll become one of those patients who bugs docs all the time until they figure out what's wrong. I'm not going to wait until it gets bad anymore. I'm not going to assume that the pain I'm feeling is "normal". I've caught this tube early and will get it fixed and that should help. I know what a clogged tube feels like and this is it. I've probably got 3-4 days until the pain gets bad, but I'm not waiting that long.

Oh, and because I was in the hospital I missed meeting Sharon from Three Irish Girls. Bridget and I were going to go to her trunk show at Windy Knitty in Chicago. Ah, well. We'll have to go to another show so we can meet her.

Anyway, I really want a boring life. I want to be able to just stay home and snuggle my babies with the most exciting being what we're going to have for dinner or waiting to see if Jamie and Renna will both nap that day. Wouldn't that be lovely?

A Long Hard Road

2011-08-13T08:44:00.002-04:00

So I haven't updated in a while. It's been busy.

Baby is definitely a boy and definitely totally healthy. His name is Sean. We found out at the 10.5w scan that he was a he, but they wanted to wait until the 16w appointment to confirm. It's confirmed. He's now 23w today and a very active child. I feel him move a lot everyday. I'm carrying low and in front, just like Jamie and Charlie. I feel like he's trying to stretch out in all directions like Jamie did, too. I just hope he doesn't find the ribs like Jamie did. Ouch.

Michael successfully defended his dissertation and is now a Dr. He has a job in Tacoma and the family is moving with him. Except for me. I'm staying to finish my dissertation. We've rented a house there, and it's very nice from what we can tell from the website and Bill and Cheri visited it and they said it was very nice as well. It has a big yard for the kids and dogs. We're getting this house ready to sell, which means lots of work. But I can't do any of it. Being pregnant limits some if it but the kidney stone limits the rest.

So the stone. I have a huge 1.5 cm kidney stone at the base of the ureter just above the bladder. So they put in a nephrostomy tube and I have a urine back strapped to my leg. The Sunday before Michael defended, they had to take me to the emergency room because I was in A LOT of pain. I've never been at a 10 on the pain scale before, but now I have. It was scary bad. They found it was a kidney stone blocking the flow of urine into the bladder and everything was backing up, the kidney was swelling and causing terrible terrible pain. So with the tube in urine bypasses the ureter to exit out my back. Let me tell you, having that thing inserted was very very painful. Very painful. But then life got much better after that because the pain started to go away. My back felt like someone had taken a meat mallet tenderizer to it. But after almost 2 weeks it felt better and bearable. And 2 weeks later the tube became completely blocked and I had to be rushed to the hospital again. This time they changed the tube, again it was VERY PAINFUL. No painkillers except a local, and while it must have helped (I'm guessing here) it was still really really painful. But mercifully only takes about 5 minutes to do. (Oh, and no signs of infection, which is great!) They're going to change it every 3 weeks to avoid the pain and emergency of another blockage. I've felt again like someone took a meat tenderizer to my back, but it's better. It's still really painful sometimes and I get tired easily and it's been a week. I'm hoping if they do the change with the kidney isn't swollen in terribly painful that it won't hurt so much next time. I have 2 weeks to find out. I've been drinking water all day everyday, lots and lot of it, but still the tube got blocked. Not happy about that I can tell you.

Oh, and while I was in the hospital the first time, the week of Michael's defense, there was a huge storm and the power went out at home. There was major damage. And it didn't all get fixed until last week. Nice.

They can't do anything else to treat the stone until after Sean is born. The treatment for such a huge stone is to put you under completely, go up the whatsit, open the join between the ureter and bladder, blast the stone with a laser, pull out what they can, and put a stint in. The stint stays in a week, and is taken out using only a local. Sounds like a fun day out, huh? But they can't do it while pregnant mostly because all the messing with stuff can bring on labor. So okay. We wait. Jamie keeps asking if the stone is out, and several times he wanted to kiss my owie to make it better. He's come up with ways to get rid of the stone, and to a 3 year old mind it makes perfect sense. I only wish it worked that way.

The kids are stressed by all the changes, but are great kids and doing what they can to help us and have fun. They helped paint shutters yesterday and had great fun doing it. They were really proud of themselves for being so helpful. Of course, for bed time they commenced with WWIII, but that's normal variation for a kid under so much stress, right? I thought so.

I have lots of complicated feelings about the move, and I'm pretty sulky about all the pain I'm in and paranoid about possible further pain and blockages, but I'll save that whining for another post.

Cute Things Update or How Wonderful My Children Are!

2011-06-23T09:17:00.002-04:00

Okay, so I haven't kept you updated daily, but several times a week is a realistic start. ;)

When Renna gets flustered, or drops something, or is otherwise in need of an expression of frustration or consternation she says, "Oh, bumpers!" Can you tell we watch a lot of Chuggington? I'm surprised she didn't pick something from Thomas the Tank Engine since that's her favorite show, but it annoys Jamie so we don't watch it much. It's just too funny when she says it. At dinner last night she dropped a green bean and she said, "Oh, bumpers!" and looked rather distressed as she picked up the dropped veggie from her lap. Then there are the times when she seems to say it for no reason. Like while we're driving she'll suddenly say it a few times, in a sort of matter of fact tone. Funny. I wonder what's going on in her mind in moments like that.

Of course, at dinner last night, she started making the F sound, drawn out. I didn't know what she was doing, maybe just feeling the sensation of saying it or whatever like kids do. I asked her what she was doing. And Jamie repeated the F sound. Then said, "oh, fuck!" I about died. I don't use that word much at all, but I know two others who do. So we told him not to use that word but tried to not make a big hilarious-and-therefore-must-repeat deal out of it.

Another cute thing Renna did last night, happened just before dinner. I had my computer on my lap, my left elbow on it and my chin resting on my hand. Renna, who was sitting next to me, leaned over to look at my computer, said "hmmmm" in a very contemplative way, and put her right hand on her cheek. She was doing what I was doing! Such a sweet girl. I'll enjoy her wanting to be just like me while I can.

Oh, and somehow Renna wandered into Nana's room last night and crawled into bed with her. She usually comes to me to snuggle around 7 am, but I didn't hear her at all so I don't think she even tried to come to our bed. It's the first night she went to Nana's room. I feel a bit guilty, though. Last night she woke up twice, and the second time she was inconsolable so I got her up and sat with her on the couch. She was clearly bothered by something, and we think it's her teeth, but she when I asked if she had any pain or hurts she said no. When Mama asked, she said yes. So Mama gave her children's Motrin and a popsicle and then she tossed and turned on my lap and eventually was drowsy enough for me to put her down. I wasn't very patient or that nurturing. I was too busy being irritated. MamaFail. :(

Jamie was a big boy this morning. Michael and I had to get up early to go to campus, and he was already up. He was thrilled to have us all to himself and went around chatting to us and had breakfast with his Dada. He told Michael that he was a handsome man and had grown up and was big now and was a man and that he'd grow up to be a man, too. He talked to us about his trains and his cereal and his stickers. When we started getting our things together, he asked where we were going and I told him. I was afraid he'd ask to go with us and I'd have to tell him he couldn't go, but he said he wanted to stay here. He didn't want to be alone, he wanted to be with Nana. So I told him I'd be getting Nana up soon and she'd be with him. When I left I told him I loved him and he said he loved me, I blew him a kiss and he blew me one. I told him if he needed me to have Nana call me. He gave me a quizzical look. So I repeated it and asked if he understood. He then looked at me like I was a moron and said yes. I think he doesn't understand why he'd need me while I was gone because his Nana was home. What would he need that she wouldn't get/do for him? Ah, well. At least he loves me even if he doesn't need me.

They're such good kids. We really lucked out with them.

Such an Auspicious Start

2011-06-18T08:55:00.002-04:00

Well, I've done a great job of blogging a little thing everyday, huh? Pbbt. So here goes.

When Renna wakes up in the morning or from a nap, Jamie goes to her and says, "Hello, Renna. Did you have a rest? Do you feel good?" And gives her a hug and/or a kiss.

Renna has started whimpering like a dog when she's disgruntled. And she sounds just like a dog! I'm not sure why she started this, but she's clearly been taking lessons from Sophie.

They both love McDonald's chicken nuggets and french fries. They eat really well when they get to have it.

They like to play hide and seek with their trains. Jamie hides them while Renna hides her eyes, then they both go looking for them.

Going to Try

2011-06-13T20:50:00.003-04:00

I'm going to try to post something everyday. Something cute or awesome or otherwise wonderful about Jamie and Renna. It's so easy to forget the wonderful little things they do and I'd like to be able to look back and read about the endearing things they did. Plus, on days when they have been trying my patience, pushing their limits, and acting out, it'll be good to take a minute to remember the sweet things they did that day.

Jamie has been screeching all day long. He's playing stories in his mind based on Scooby Doo episodes and acting them out. This is not the good thing he did today, but it is very cool to see his imagination taking off. The cute thing he did today happened when he was sitting next to Daniel. He turned to Daniel and said, "I'm sad because you're leaving soon to go home to Rachel." Aw. He loves his Uncle Daniel and has really enjoyed his light-heartedness and his easy going nature. They've had a lot of fun together.

Jamie has been acting out lately because Michael has been working all day everyday for several weeks trying to get his dissertation done. So he hasn't gotten much time with his Dada. So tonight Dada gave them their bath and is reading stories. Jamie didn't want anyone else to do anything for him, just his Dada.

Renna had her pediatrician appointment this morning. She's on the 6% for weight (22.8 lbs), 92% for height (35.5"), and 96% for head circumference (49.5 cm). So since 4 months old when she thinned out she's continuing to track 5-15% for weight, and since birth has tracked over 90% in height and 95-97% for head circumference. She freaked out when the nurse laid her down to take her height, and didn't forgive them. After getting the lollipop and sticker she was much happier.

The cute thing Renna did today happened while we were out shopping. We started to drive off from the shoe store (where they were both maniacs having lots of fun chasing each other and running around), and I turned to check for cars while backing out of the parking space and noticed Renna had this odd expression on her face. She was totally incredulous. She wasn't strapped into her car seat. So I pulled back into the space, and she got strapped in. That seemed to make her happy.

Renna is totally potty trained now, including at night and while out. She had a small accident this morning in bed. She started to pee, stopped herself and ran to the potty. The other accident she had was last week. She was sick, had a long nap and peed in her sleep. While we had her in diapers at night (for a month) she didn't use a single diaper or have a single accident. I got her to use the toilet the other day instead of the little potty, so soon enough she'll be using that instead. And we'll only have flushing to do instead of flushing and cleaning out the potty.

My Mother

2011-05-08T00:41:00.005-04:00

I know everyone on Rav already knows how awesome my mom is. But I thought it would be nice to say it again. She's a wonderful person, a generous and loving soul. She is happy to do anything to help any one of us, Michael, the kids, me. She works harder than she has to, and doesn't rest and relax as much as she should. We're working on that. We got her a camera because she's interested in photography and think it would be a good new hobby to take up. I'm continuing to enable her knitting, most especially her newly acquired sock knitting habit, as well. Because of her we all have a better life, together. The kids are more secure and confident because they have her. When I take too long to do/get something for them, they go to Nana because they know they can go to her and she'll take care of them. They don't even question it. They love her very much. And so do I. And so does Michael. When she was in the hospital, Jamie and Renna wanted to know where she was and when she was coming home. When they got to see her, it made everything okay and they could wait until she came home. I'm who I am in large part because of her. She's never been perfect, but she's always been perfect for me. I love you, Mama. Happy Mother's Day.

Mother's Day

2011-05-07T22:55:00.006-04:00

Mother's Day is tomorrow. We celebrated last weekend because Michael went to Kristin's graduation. But of course when we did celebrate I thought about the kids a lot. I sobbed through mass thinking about my Charlie. I thought about how lucky I am to have Jamie and Renna, both of them alive and well and happy loving children. How lucky we are that we still have Jamie despite almost losing him twice. How lucky we are that Renna is the epitome of perfect health. Seriously, she's hardly ever sick and when she is she has the mildest case in the family. How lucky we are that Charlie was with us for any amount of time, even if it was too short. How lucky we are that BorG4 is on the way and with God's blessings and Nature's cooperation we'll have him/her in our arms and thriving before the anniversary of Charlie's death. I'm a mother. I'm a mother 4 times over. Life began 4 times.

Created April 8th, 2007.

Created September 20th, 2008.

Created September 5th, 2010.

Created March 20th, 2011.

One life we clutched from death twice. One life is the epitome of good health. One life was taken too soon. One life is mostly just a promise and dreams. But they are my children. They all bring me sadness. They all bring me fear. They all bring me joy. And they all make life infinitely more meaningful and satisfying than anything else in the world.

Lent

2011-03-10T13:27:00.002-05:00

For Lent I'm not giving up anything. Friends and family agree I've given up enough already. So I'm doing something for myself. I haven't been able to write in Charlie's journal or write up his birth story so that's what I'm going to do. For an hour a day or every other day, but no less often, I'm going to have time alone for reflection. I'll write in the journal, knit, think, reflect, meditate. It'll be time for me to just be.

Kelsey - That'll Do

2011-03-07T13:50:00.003-05:00

My sweet Kelsey, more wolf than herder, left us to be with her mama Brandy and her friends Tigger and Murphy. I'm sure Brida is there, too, shaking her head at all the fuss they're surely making. Hopefully they're all playing with Charlie and watching over us. Kelsey was always a wild one, spirited and fun loving. She was a fierce protectress of her pack. We miss her very much.

She started to decline in health before Murphy left, then got better for a while to pick up the slack in protection duties that he left behind. Then after Tigger, she started to fade again, until we brought home Sophie. She then taught Miss Sophie Sunshine all she knew about being the alpha dog, and they snuggled a lot. Then at the end of November, we nearly lost her and found out she had laryngeal paralysis. We treated her with sedatives and changed our patterns to keep her calmer. We even put a sign up on the door that said, "Quiet please, baby sleeping" so anyone coming to the house wouldn't knock on the door. Then Saturday February 5th, she had a bad attack. We all sat with her and waited for the sedative to kick in. We stroked her haid and tried to keep her calm, and she was happy with us being there. The next day, we decided to not go knitting as we usually do. About an hour before we were going to get ready for mass, she had another attack. But this one was worse. We gave her the full dose and waited, trying to calm her, stroking her fur, but she couldn't seem to get really calm. I felt her heart was becoming erratic, and even thud really hard once, and I knew she needed more help. So we bundled her up to go to the vet's office but before we could even get her in the car, she was gone. There hadn't been enough time for the sedative to get into her bloodstream and work. Less than half an hour after it started, she was gone. Her attack was sudden and out of the blue with no excitement to trigger it. I guess it was just time for her to go home.

She was our fierce defender. I feel like she gave to us more than I gave to her. I didn't always appreciate her the way I should have. She worked hard to be our guardian. But she doesn't have to anymore.

You were a good girl, Kelsey. You were the best protector and worked hard to keep us safe. That'll do, girl. Go play with your Brandy now.

Bad Poetry

2011-01-08T22:43:00.000-05:00

Before I heard your heart, you owned mine.
I dreamed about your face, and imagined your first smile.
I dreamed of the hours we’d spend nursing, your hand wrapped around my thumb.
I dreamed how you’d play with your brother and sister,
And the mischief you’d get into.
While I dreamed of our life together, you were already slipping away.
Before I knew you existed, you were already dying.
Some will forget you, but we never will.
You held on to our bond and grew happily, unaware of time running out.
It seems to some that you were just a dream.
But you were real to me.
You were real, and you were perfect,
And always will be.

Changes

2011-01-06T17:37:00.003-05:00

So. New developments. It's riskier for me to continue than to let nature take it's course. So we're inducing on Wednesday. I've worked out the arrangements with the grad school and my fellowship, so now I just need to make memorial service arrangements. There's an interesting article that Michael found to reassure us (and rebut anyone who might question our decision) on the moral, spiritual, and philosophical implications of our decision. It was very hard for us to make this decision, but we must do what is best and has the least risk to my life. Charlie won't live more than an hour whether he's born now or at 30 weeks. Even the full life support of my body will be insufficient for him all too soon, and it's not helpful to him or us to put my life at risk. We'll have a memorial service and he'll be cremated. After that, I'll have time to heal physically and to begin to accept his death.

No More New Year's

2011-01-01T10:09:00.000-05:00

We aren't going to be celebrating New Year's anymore. As an astrophysicist, I can't get over the arbitrariness of it. It's changed so many times since the beginning of written record and is different in different cultures even now. Nothing changes. The celestial bodies don't line up or hit any special spots in their orbits or in relation to each other, and their movements don't change. I don't understand the appeal of celebrating the "unknown to come". I know some of what's to come, and some is good and some is going to be horrible. So why should I celebrate 2011? My son is going to die. Michael will *hopefully* get a job and we will move. I will graduate and rejoin the family and start looking for jobs. So good things and one horrible thing that will make the arbitrary calendar year of 2011 so horrible that nothing good can salvage it. So we're going to celebrate our blessings and take comfort in the fact that life goes on and things change no matter what. No matter how bad things are, things will change and get better. No matter how good things are things could change and get worse or better. But we have each other and we'll be okay, no matter what numbers are on the calendar.

This Year Ends With Many Promises for the Coming Year

2010-12-31T20:45:00.003-05:00

Let me sum up the year in chronological order of events:

Murphy died.
Tigger died.
Kristin visited.
I got pregnant.
We started applying for jobs.
Kelsey nearly died and was diagnosed with laryngeal paralysis, but which is treatable with sedatives when she gets overexcited.
We found out the baby is a boy, Charlie.
We found out Charlie will die just before or after birth sometime before term.
We decided to delay my graduation because there's no way I can get everything done given the new circumstances.

So basically this year has seen 2 deaths, a near death, and the promise of death in the New Year.

We're doing all we can to handle everything, but it's very hard. The latest blow, that Charlie will not live, has been absolutely devastating. He has a condition which is "incompatible", isn't inherited or caused by anything I did or didn't do, and is very rare. The doctor said that after Jamie's CDH, it's like we survived a plane crash to be hit by a drive by shooting. That does bring me some solace. We've done what we can to "make lemonade" and make decisions that we think are in everyone's best interests. I've decided to let the pregnancy end naturally (which is likely around 30 weeks but perhaps as late as 36 weeks) rather than inducing early. The doctors felt they could do so without much risk of a uterine rupture, but I'm unwilling to take any chances that might, at worst, put my life at risk, and, at best, put my ability to home birth future children at risk. Honestly, I'm happy to give him all I can while I can since I won't be able to do anything else for him. I just want him to know, somehow, that he is loved and very much wanted and will be desperately missed. The other decisions have been to not have him at home, to have a priest there to baptize him (if he lives to birth), to have a memorial service, and to have him cremated. I've also decided to either take some form of leave, or at least to ease off of work until after I've had a chance to recover from the birth. I'm hoping to still be able to defend in the Summer or as soon as possible in the Fall. There are logistics of what to do when Michael has to start his job, where ever that will be, but we need to know where and when before we can really plan that. I dived into knitting to help me cope as soon as we realized there might be a problem. And it's been very helpful since then. My Summer Mothers have been very helpful and supportive as have others on Ravelry, like the Three Irish Girls group. But as I sit here, saying good bye to what was a really painful year, I have no hope for this coming year. There will be good things, and some of them very good, but there will be one very awful thing that will forever make 2011 one of the worst years ever. We will do what we can to make life better for each other and for Jamie and Renna, and we will all be okay.

Hello Sophie

2010-05-10T20:41:00.003-04:00

April 10th we brought a ball of love into our home. Sophie is a light-medium colored golden retriever. We decided after losing our beloved Murphy and beloved Tigger that we needed the love of another dog to help us heal. Kelsey has really perked up since we got Sophie. She's continued to have problems with vestibular syndrome having 2 episodes since Tigger died. But she's going off of a longer course of steroids now and is doing okay. Alex was a bit miffed at first and is still jealous sometimes, but he seems to be coming around to her, too. At her recent visit to the vet for second shots, Dr. Vogl proclaimed that she had the perfect temperment. She's loving and calm and snuggly. She is wonderful. She loves to sleep in Mama's closet, but also loves sleeping with Jamie. She's teething and likes to nibble on Jamie and Renna, but they are learning to push her away and let her know that's not acceptable. She's a good girl.

Goodbye Tigger

2010-05-10T19:54:00.003-04:00

We lost Tigger on March 23rd. We think she had a heart attack early in the morning on the 19th. We took her to the vet in the afternoon, thinking at the time that maybe she had tweaked her back and was in some pain since she was panting. The panting was from advanced heart disease and fluid on her lungs. We battled for days to try to get ahead of the fluid and ease her breathing. Sunday she stopped eating and we tried forcing her to eat but using a syringe with really tempting foods. But she wouldn't eat it and only swallowed a little. On Monday the vet put her on what he called his "trump" card. And it didn't help at all. Finally, on Wednesday the 23rd, we talked to the vet again. She wasn't getting any better. Her breathing was still labored. She was lethargic. And finally, she was refusing food and water. We tried force feeding her, but she was strenuously resisting. She wasn't yet suffocating, which was a blessing, but it was inevitable. We didn't want her to suffer. So we agreed it was time to say good bye and let her go. More time with her would just mean starvation or suffocation and we couldn't let her go through that. We said goodbye and let Jamie kiss her and pet her. Mama and I took her in the car and Michael stayed at home with the kids. I got out of the car to close the gate behind us, and when I returned Tigger was having the last spasm of a heart attack. Mama looked at me and said she thought she had just died. She had. She died in Mama's arms. We didn't know what else to do so we went to the vet's office. The assistant brought her back to the vet and they had us go into a room. They brought her back to us confirming that she was gone and let us say goodbye again. The vet was wonderful and said some nice things about her, that she was a good girl who'd worked really hard and could rest now. She'd earned it.

She had worked so hard since she was 4 and had her massive blown disc with other discs going periodically, to the point of being on permanent steriods for the last 2 years. Mama loved her so much and she was her baby. Despite all the difficulties she had after her blown disc, she kept going. She hated not being able to sleep on the bed with Mama, but she knew she was loved and lorded it over everyone else that she had a bed all to herself. She peed on the floor and we cleaned it up after her. We kept her well hydrated and she only had one bladder infection, which is amazing and miraculous. She had great spirit and spunk. I'm grateful that she went on her own terms in Mama's arms. She was loved and she knew it. She lived her life doing what she wanted the best she could and loving and living to the fullest. And when she died, I can't help but think it was on her own terms according to her own will. She wasn't put down. There were no extreme measures or interventions by people she didn't know and love. She was in the arms of love, closed her eyes, her heart stopped, and she was in the Arms of Love. She lived according to her own will, and died the same way. We miss her very much.

She’s up there now dancing and playing, ears back as she runs.

Goodbye, Murphy.

2010-02-17T15:49:00.003-05:00

We lost Murphy two days ago. He'd had an ear infection and wasn't getting better, so Monday we made an appointment for Tuesday to have blood work done. Then I went out to make him come in from the snow. I had to lead him in. Half an hour later he had gone into shock and we rushed him to the vet. The vet found there was a large mass in his belly that he hadn't felt there the week before. He said we could try some heroics and do surgery and see what it was. He suspected a bowel twist or the spleen. I said do it. It wasn't the bowel or the spleen. His liver was full of tumors and there was very little liver left. He hadn't ever seen a mass that big. Since Murphy was only 3 years old on October 9th, he must have been born with it. So they covered up the messy parts and let me say goodbye. I wish I could have told him how much I loved him before he was unconscious. Before he went into shock. So here's what I'd want him to know and what I hope he somehow does know: Murphy, you were a wonderful dog and a fantastic friend. I love you. You healed me after Brandy died, which I didn't think was possible. I hope we were able to give you the love you deserved and needed. You were my boy, and you were perfect. This tiny house is an empty cavern without you. Jamie misses you and is sad you're gone. When we feed the others, when we get to where you should be getting food, Jamie says "Murphy gone" and is sad. And it breaks my heart all over again. You will be missed and you made a difference in our lives. Thank you for loving us. Thank you for being with us. I love you, Murphs.

Short Update on a Growing Baby

2010-02-04T00:51:00.003-05:00

Renna looked at each of us when prompted by our names. It sort of freaked her out a bit when we squealed in delight, but she soon recovered. She also took a step toward a toy she wanted. She is getting ready to start cruising. Of course, she hasn't actually crawled or pulled herself up yet (at least not regularly), but she does like to climb and stand. She's growing so big!

It's a Revolution!

2010-01-07T23:03:00.003-05:00

I'm going to try to be a better blogger this year and post once a week. We'll see how long I can keep it up.

Jamie has taken his crib back. We'd been putting Renna in it to have naps and one night we started her there for the night, and Jamie said he wanted to sleep there. So Michael put it back as a toddler bed and he's been sleeping there ever since. I think the only reason he wanted to sleep on the floor before was because that's where the dogs were. But since they moved into Mama's room he was the only one on the floor while we bedshare with Renna. He's such a big boy. So now we have to get a crib for Renna.

Jamie has learned how to open doors. We're in trouble now. This happened the same day he wanted his bed back. Now we're working on getting him to stay in the bedroom even though he physically can escape. Two nights in a row I simply put him back time after time after leaving the door open. The first night it only took a half hour until he fell asleep. The second night it was over an hour. So last night we started with it open, I explained that if he left, then I'd close the door. He left immediately and the door was closed. I had to hold the knob for 15-20 seconds but he got the idea and didn't try it again. He raged about that for a while, finally falling asleep in front of the door. Tonight we explained that if he left, the door would be closed. We have a two strike policy. After the first escape, I repeated that if he left the room, I'd close the door. He stayed in there for a very long time, babbling and looking out the window. Finally he came out again, hoping to play the chase-me-back-to-bed-a-million-times-Mama game. But I explained again what was happening, then I closed the door and he didn't even try to open it. I want him to be able to stay in bed and have the door open because I think it will help him to feel connected the household even while he's in bed. He wants us to go to bed when he does and he doesn't want to be alone. This would be a perfect solution. If we can just get him to stay in bed.

Another big change he's going through is that we've gotten rid of bottles. He resisted at first, but decided that having warm milk in a sippy cup was just as good. We'd been using the bottles for soothing him back to sleep at night and for nap and bed time. But it just wasn't working anymore. He'd drink 2-3 8oz bottles in the middle of the night and keep getting up wanting to play and it wasn't working to help put him to sleep during the day either. He really just wanted to walk around with one all day long and drink only milk and not eat food because he wouldn't have to stop to eat. He could just keep playing and exploring and not be hungry. No. He needs more nutrition than just milk and the occasional food. He's been bottle free for 2 days and seems just fine. No traumas. :) Of course, part of the transition is that I told him, "Baba no. Tea yes." I've made him tea (it has antioxidants!) and it's pretty diluted and decaf. But he loves it. There were tears a few times, but we calmed him in other ways and he's been fine.

After some discussion with Mama and Michael, I've discovered what makes the Terrible Twos so terrible. I mean, I knew there were tantrums and things, but I never knew why. I mean, what makes the age of 2 so special that it makes most children begin screaming and raging? Until recently, Jamie has been able to have or get whatever he wanted because the only limitations on him were physical ones. So if he could get it, he could have it. Now, he really has no physical limitations anymore. He can open doors. He can go up and down steps. He can close doors. He can flush the toilet. He can open drawers and cabinets. He can turn on the water. He can climb. He can run. He can pull out the outlet protectors. He can open the fridge. But now his boundaries are intellectual ones. He has to limit himself. He has to limit himself either because he wants to or because we want him to. Obedience is now possible. And he does understand when we tell him things. He can remember long enough to comprehend consequences. This is new. This is where the frustration comes in. We need to be as clear as possible with him and explain things as much as possible and being ironclad consistent is imperative. We put that to use today, and while we had some of the normal tantrums, I think it was successful as well. He's not used to the "if this, then this" from us, but I think he likes it.

Renna is growing by leaps and bounds. Just tonight she said, "Mamamamama, dadadadada" just like that. She's been babbling a ton today. She got her first front tooth on Jamie's second birthday, and her second front tooth 5 days later. At her latest peds appt she measured over the 97th percentile in height and around the 25th percentile in weight. So her height and weight stayed in the same percentile and her weight didn't drop percentiles like it's been doing all along. She's still only getting tastes of solid foods, but she's enjoying it a lot and asking more often. But after only a few tastes she's done and looking for nummies.

Can I just say that I LOVE LOVE LOVE the baby Ergo? It's awesome. Renna loves riding in it when we're out, and she has even slept in it. It's great. Most of the weight is on my hips, not my back! The moby wrap was never that comfortable and I can wear her the entire time we're out shopping and not get tired. Now I just want to try Jamie in it. He got a bit impatient the only time I put him in it, but that was at home and it was nap time. I really wish I'd had it when Jamie was a baby. He still loves the SideRider, though, and so do I.

Bad Blogger. Spank. Spank.

2009-12-18T21:49:00.015-05:00

Okay, I know. Bad blogger. spank spank

I've done a lot of knitting and a lot of parenting. Jamie has been such a wonderful son and big brother. We are very proud of him. He still constantly kisses her. He gives her his toys all the time, too.

Just yesterday, Jamie gave Renna some of his blocks while she was sitting on the couch. She found one of his foam letters and was gnawing on it where she has teeth tormenting her and refusing to break through the surface. Jamie decided he wanted it, but I wanted her to have it since there are very few things that make her gums feel better. But I didn't want him to feel like he was giving her everything and not allowed to keep anything for himself. So I talked to him and told him why I wanted her to have it and asked him if it was okay if she borrowed it for a little while. He said it was okay. I then told him how proud of him I am and what a wonderful sweet smart loving boy he is and how much I love him. He was very happy. He hid his shy smile and gave me a hug. He really is an incredible child. He is so generous and giving and loving. I don't know where he got it, but I couldn't be prouder of him. Here he is hamming it up for the camera.
Tonight, Mama drew him a bath, and as I went in to get Renna undressed so she and I could join him, we noticed he had spelled out "hot" with his foam letters. Mama had asked him several times if the water was too hot, but he said no. He's been saying his ABC's for almost a month now, and he's been able to count to 10 for about month also. He could count to 5 for a month or so before that. Brilliant. Just brilliant. Here we are reading before bed with his new blanket I made him.

Renna learned to roll over, but doesn't do it much anymore. She really loves to stand and just beams when we stand her up. She babbles a ton and has said Mama and Dada a few time. She doesn't seem to like solid foods much if they're pureed. She's a long girl, too! She's stayed well above the 95th percentile for height, but is only around the 24th percentile for weight. Her teeth are constantly tormenting her, and a canine popped up, but nothing since then. The bottom teeth have been particularly horrible to her and I expect one of them to break through any day now. She likes her high chair and the two toys that are on it. She prefers to nap on me, where her nummies are, and we're still bedsharing. She's started flailing about some, so transitioning to her crib maybe in the near future. Poor Renna just had roseola. I was thinking teething, but with a very persistant 101 degree fever Mama thought roseola. Nantuition was right! The rash is almost gone now. Here she is all healthy again.

Renna's baptism was wonderful. She wore the same gown Jamie was baptized in, and this time Father Doyle was able to officiate. Mary and Chris were her godparents. Chris loved seeing her after the home games this fall, too. He's really taking his role as "The Godfatha" seriously. In choosing Mary as Godmother may have been more fitting than anticipated. She's very tall, and so far Renna seems to be taking after her. She may end up being a tall Nordic goddess like her godmother.

On the knitting front I've been pretty productive. I finished Renna's Diamonds for Rhiannon Blanket but not in time for her baptism. It turned out better than I had hoped and I'm very proud to be able to give her something so beautiful. I also finished my socks and a pair for Mama for Christmas. I've also finished a sweater for me. I made the Wreena sweater from French Girl Knits. I'm halfway through a cardigan for me in Georgia Peach from Three Irish Girls.

I Knew It!

2009-09-16T19:40:00.000-04:00

You Are the Warrior

You feel that it's your role to defend and protect society.

You'll fight for what's right, and you especially like fighting for the underdog.

You love getting things done, especially if it means working with your hands.

You also have a great mind for strategy... whether it's military strategy, legal strategy, or chess.

You love being challenged, and you love challenging others. You are eager to prove how powerful you are.

You are ready for a (literal or figurative) fight at any time. Maybe a little too ready.

What Role Do You Play?

Blogthings: Take a Quiz. Annoy Your Friends.

One Year Ago Today

2009-09-11T22:26:00.003-04:00

One year ago today, Jamie was diagnosed with a CDH. And so began my worst nightmare. Now, a year later, you would never know he was sick. He's such a good boy. He's brilliant and challenging. He loves his family and we love him. Here was last year:

And here he is now:

Classic Cardigan is Finally Done! Break out the Champagne!

2009-09-06T18:54:00.005-04:00

And here is my latest accomplishment in the finished object:

It's Debbie Bliss's Classic Cardigan from Essential Baby. Jamie picked out the yarn from Erica's, and later when we were at Joann's he picked out two different kinds of buttons and I realized at least one of them would be perfect with the yarn. So after finishing the sweater in month, it took me three more months to sew up the two seams, sew on the buttons and weave in the ends. Which is what I did at our knitting brunch today. I hate HATE HATE seaming! Anyway, it's finally done. I tried it on Jamie and it was huge on him. I thought it would end up a size 3T, but it's more of a 4T. It's basically a sweater jacket. I'll try to get a photo of him wearing it. It's a perfect blue for him.

Next, here are some dish cloths, bath cloths, and trivets I made recently. A couple are missing, but you get the idea. All of them are 100% cotton Lily's Sugar and Cream in various colors and patterns. First is the pastel trivet in Colorwave pattern.

Next is the Open Star dish cloth in a variegated yellow and white.

Now we have a dish cloth square pattern from Lion Brand.

And here is Chinese Waves, which is my personal favorite for dish cloths. I've made several.

And here is Bee Stitch, which is great for bath cloths. I gave this one to Mama since her bath puff died and needed a new one anyway. She loves it, and I must say that while I didn't care for how the pattern feels to make it, it looks great and makes a great fabric. Mama liked the blues of it especially.

And here are some gratuitous photos of my girl. Here is her "I love Mama" smile reserved only for me.

And here is her flirtatious laugh. It's usually followed by a huge grin which some how I always miss photographing. But isn't she just beautiful?

Heirloom Knitting

2009-08-21T11:37:00.003-04:00

I've been knitting a ton. Okay, not really. I've knitted 6 dishcloths in 3 weeks. I've worked on my sock occasionally, and I've worked on Renna's blanket occasionally. Then I realized that Renna's baptism is only a month away and I wanted to have her blanket done in time. The color of the blanket totally won't match her gown, but I'm going to have her in a different outfit before and after the gown that will go. So here's what I have so far:

Pretty, huh? I know, the green looks a bit blinding, but it's really very pretty and bold. I think the lime green just lifts the forest green while the forest green tempers the lime. It's a delicate balance of extremes. Isn't that the essence of a woman? Maybe just me... ;)

My girl is growing strong and healthy everyday. She is now 11 lbs 8 oz and 24.75 inches long! She talks a lot and even laughs now. We can pretty much hold a conversation with her. I have no clue what she's saying, but it sounds pretty. And she laughs now! It's not a giggle, it's more of a grunted haha. It's much more of a belly laugh. Charming. That's what she is. Charming.

I'm sad that she's outgrown her sleepers, but she looks so cute in her pant sets that it's okay. Jamie was the same way. We just have long babies! Jamie is so good with her. He loves his little sister. He goes over to her and pets her head or holds her hand. Sometimes he wants her out of the new vibrachair (old one wasn't working well anymore) so he can sit in it. I got the vibrating rocker, and it's made for children newborn to 45 lbs. He's no where near that, so he can share it with her. His speaking abilities are growing quite a bit. He's bolder about saying words now. We've worked with him and he just soaks it up. His new words are HOT and BANANA. He has apple as well, but he still only says it quietly. And he signs "I love you" now! He's a wonderful boy. Here he is saying "Cheese!"

Life Keeps Going and Going and I'm Loving It!

2009-08-17T09:37:00.005-04:00

Life has been really good. I feel just fabulous. And it amazes me that I feel so good so soon. After having Jamie, it took 4 months before I really felt good, but here I am after 2 months, and I not only feel good, I feel great! Think Tony the Tiger doing his commercial. I'm feeling good about work and I know I can do what I need to to graduate. My confidence is high and I'm actually being productive. Jamie and Renna are both growing well and constantly showing us what wonderful human beings they are and how lucky we are to have them, even when they're grouchy. Mama gave notice at her job today and will be staying home to help us with the kids, the dogs, the house. She'll finally have time to write without instantly losing her train of thought by all the craziness of trying to have a life while having to go to work at a job that has nothing to do with her actual career. I'm knitting and crocheting dishcloths, wash cloths, divots, place mats, hand towels. And I have a bazillion socks in the works, as well as a bizillion sweaters and one lacy baby blanket. Crafting is great, even if I don't have as much time for it as I'd like. It's good to just have it when I can get to it. Oh, and I'm starting to like my hair. Finally!

A Successful Home VBAC Brings Renna Into Our Arms

2009-06-25T16:34:00.000-04:00

Rhiannon (Renna) was born at home this morning, June 9th, at 12:29 am weighing 8lbs 6ozs and measuring 21.5" long. This is the story of her birth.

The seeds of vbac are planted.
The foundations of her birth actually began with her brother's birth. With Jamie, we naively went to the hospital trusting the doctors would give us good advice. After that things went terribly wrong and we were both subjected to unnecessary risks and complications. I had a very long and hard recovery. I began researching birth and vbac almost immediately. A friend was due to deliver her baby 6 months after Jamie's birth, and another friend was training to be a doula for her birth, and I began training to be a doula as well. My education in labor and birth was very liberating, infuriating, shocking, and healing. I learned how badly my labor had been "managed" and how everything they told me to do and asked me to do were exactly wrong. Most eye opening was realizing how selfish and horrible my doctor had been. Realizing she lied to me, making me fear for the life of my son just to get my consent for the c-section, was something that both liberated me from my guilt and caused me new grief at having been so violated. That July, as I attended my friend's labor as one of her 2 doulas, I tried to forget my own labor. As she labored and her labor mirrored mine, I tried to forget. As she was pushed into the same result as I had been, I tried to forget. I wanted to believe that her being in the hospital didn't necessarily mean she had to have a bad experience, especially with the two of us there to help her. Then during her c-section, the doctor changed her mind as to the reason for the operation. Before, she said it was fetal distress. During she decided and put onto permanent record that it was - CPD or cephalopelvic disproportion. CPD, the most recent fad to use as an excuse for c-sections which is a genuine problem, but extraordinarily rare and usually the result of profound trauma to the pelvis or rickets (malnutrition causing fusing of the pelvic bones). I was enraged. I was guilty. I failed to help my friend avoid being cut open simply because the doctors didn't want to wait to let nature take it's course and bring about a healthy baby. Thankfully my friend didn't blame me, and understands, as I do now finally, that our hands were tied. When the doctor says your baby could die, you let them do what they want to ensure the survival of the person who means more to you than your own life. This made me even more resolved to have a vbac successfully and refuse to be manipulated. Michael and I started talking about trying for the next baby, and planned on trying in December so that if it took a few months they would still be around 2 years apart in age. Things changed drastically 2 months later.

The seeds of hope are planted.
In September, Jamie was diagnosed with a congenital diaphragmatic hernia. He had a hole in his diaphragm and his abdominal organs were in his chest cavity compromising his heart and lungs and would die without immediate surgery. He was flown to Riley Children's Hospital in Indianapolis where he received the best care available from experts in his condition. I've blogged in detail about this, so I won't go into it again. But as we lived through this nightmare, we decided not to refrain from comforting each other, and since we were planning on trying for another baby in December, if I got pregnant a few months earlier it wasn't a big deal. And I did. Hence, out of the pits of despair came our next bundle of joy and hope. He's our miracle, she's our hope.

Preparations and deciding on home birth.
After coming home and watching Jamie recover at light speed, I began the search for a doc who would let me try for a vbac. I couldn't find even one in my area who would consider it without a "proven pelvis". Meaning, unless I had given birth vaginally before, they wouldn't let me try. I talked to my doula instructor, and got the name of a doc near her, 1.5 hours away from me, who did them. I started seeing her for my prenatal appointments. At this point, I had decided on a hospital birth just in case I needed an emergency c-section, and because I didn't think we could afford to pay for a home birth out of pocket, since the insurance wouldn't pay a cent. Things with the doc were okay, and she said all the right things. We had our 20 week level 2 ultrasound and learned our baby was a girl and that she had no CDH issues like Jamie had, and we were happy. Then, after entering the 3rd trimester, the doc changed her mind about being non-interventionist, and said some things that were very insulting and totally contrary to what we had discussed before. So after crying all the way home from the last prenatal with her, we discussed home birth again. It was what we both really wanted, and Michael was anry with me for letting money be the deciding factor in our health care choices. So I began to look for a home birth midwife, and I found one, Marlyce. And add to that, my doula instructor, Louise, was willing to still be my doula despite it being such a long drive for her. And so the wait for labor began.

Early Labor.
And on June 6th at 10pm, I started having rhythmic contractions about every 5 minutes. This had happened the previous 3 nights and they had stopped when I went to bed, and expected they would again. But they didn't. At 3am, I couldn't sleep any longer so I got up and started timing them. They were 3 minutes apart lasting 45 seconds. Around 4am, I got Michael up to time them with me, and they were more like 5 minutes apart lasting a minute. So we called Marlyce and Louise. I felt like things weren't going to stop, so Louise decided to come out, but we decided we'd call Marlyce back when things got closer and stronger. I labored all day with the contractions varying from 5 minutes apart to 3 minutes apart randomly throughout the day. We felt like things were definitely going to continue to go forward, but that birth was not imminent. So Louise went home after 5pm, and I had instructions from Marlyce to take a Tylenol PM and sleep as much as I could to conserve my strength. At 3am on Monday June 8th, I awoke after sleeping for about 5 hours, because I couldn't sleep through the contractions anymore. They were again about 3 minutes apart. I had a normal appointment with Marlyce scheduled for 10am, so I just waited to see her. We were supposed to go to our fellowship orientation, but of course I wasn't going, but Michael went in to get something for his research and to let them know we weren't going to be there for our meetings. Mama stayed home from work, too. Just before Marlyce arrived, labor began in ernest.

Active labor and birth of Renna.
10 minutes before Marlyce arrived, my water broke in a trickle. Once Marlyce arrived, we had our appointment as normal, but I felt the contractions were beginning to get a bit more painful. At the end, we discussed whether she should just stay, or come back later, since it was clear labor wasn't going to back off. As I sat on the birthing ball trying to decide, my water started gushing out. So she decided to stay. I got in the tub to clean off and then called Louise to tell her to come out again. This was just around 11am. I labored by bouncing on the birthing ball and walking around the house. We watched a movie (Big Trouble in Little China), and Louise arrived around 1pm. That's pretty much the last time I was aware of the time. The contractions were very painful, and still somewhat erratic. We had lunch, then Louise "suggested" that I walk around the house to try to get things more regular. Then she had me do knee-chest for a while, thinking Renna might need a bit of help making one of the turns through the pelvis. While in knee-chest, I was able to relax some and the contractions slowed. Then I was up again on the ball, and in the shower, and on the toilet. I really hated being on the toilet because it was horribly painful, which of course means it was very productive. Then Marlyce and her assistant got the bedroom ready for the last stages of labor. We did a hanging position where Michael held me under the arms and I hung there. That was the worst pain EVER. Even worse than the toilet. I started feeling like I was in transition, but it lasted a long time. Transition is only supposed to last at most 15 minutes, and I was like that for over an hour. Finally, Louise suggested knee-chest again. And again I was able to relax for about a half hour, resting between contractions, which spaced out to about every 10 minutes or so. I got up and got on the toilet again, and again went into transition. And I started feeling the urge to push, so they let me. I wasn't productive in it, but it gave me something to do and put my energy into rather than just the pain. Up to this point, everyone was taking turns taking care of me and staying with me and coaching me. Louise, Marlyce, Michael, Mama. Jamie was around from time to time, and I did my best to reassure him. He looked a bit nervous, but was calm and let Louise and Marlyce hold him and take care of him, which seemed to help him. But from time to time, I could hear him say "Mama!" and he sounded unsure and afraid. Three times, I lost focus and I seriously thought about just saying I wanted to go the hospital, and that even another c-section would be okay, but I never actually said it out loud. Of course, Michael would never have let me go. I love that man. He knew I didn't really want that, regardless of what thoughts came to my pain-clouded mind. Twice I said I didn't know if I could do this, and my support team rallied around me and gave me the emotional boost I needed, and brought my focus back to what I was doing. The third time the thought crossed my mind, I knew I couldn't do that. I knew I couldn't put Renna (and me) at greater risks just to end my pain sooner. I was in a lot of pain (a LOT of pain), but everything was okay, Renna was fine and the labor was progressing normally. If women for thousands of years could do this, so could I. Once the urge to push started, those thoughts were completely gone. I was almost there and I knew it. And I was doing it. After pushing lightly a bit, and with the urge getting stronger, I was informed that I wasn't actually pushing and got some coaching on it. I was a bit frustrated, to say the least. When we got back on the bed, knee-chest again, I found I was able to actually push sometimes, but it wasn't consistent. You know how all the prenatal classes tell you to "curl around your belly" to push and make the pushing more productive? Total crap. I found if I arched my back a bit I was able to use the exact muscles needed. It was like a straight line down my body and "out", so to speak. As soon as I figured that out, pushing was a snap and very very productive. However, I couldn't push through the entire "contraction" and would have to do clusters of pushes, moaning the whole way, and that worked really well. At this point, now that I figured out how to push, Marlyce checked me to see if I was fully dilated and therefore ready to go. Well, I had a lip of cervix left. Apparently, women who've had a c-section will often have a lip on the front of the cervix because the scar prevents full pulling of the uterus on the cervix to make it dilate. So I had to not push through a total of 4 "clusters", and that was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Once the urge to push, and the knowledge of how to push were there, it was impossible to not push. In order to not push, they led me through puff breathing, and a few times I still did push but it was lighter. Marlyce checked again and pushed the cervix back, and after another 2 clusters she said I could push again. I later learned that it was around llpm at this point, and Jamie was finally asleep on his mattress in the living room, after refusing all night to go to sleep (or have a nap all day). So Mama came in and helped me. Michael was pacing the bedroom, and I saw him a few times and he looked like he wanted to pass out, but he didn't. I switched to laying on my left side for the rest of pushing. With every push, Mama would support my right leg up in the air, I'd grab the belt loop on her jeans and pull, and moan loudly. I swear I was really screaming, but everyone swears it was a low moan. Once Renna started to crown, I had to push more gently. The way I did that was to do what had been ineffective before, curling around my belly. And I stretched. No tearing. And then I could push full on again. And then Marlyce released one shoulder, the left one, and as the right one came out and she was born, I could feel the tearing. All through labor, I was telling everyone that she was punching me right where her head was, which didn't seem right. But I was right. Her right hand was on her left shoulder, and her elbow was straight out and tore me on the way out. It was too late to slow things down at that point since there was nothing stopping her. So I had 2nd degree tears down, and a slight tear up. We think she had her hand (or hands) on her face during most of labor, and that's why she needed help making those turns. Then at the last minute, pulled her hand down onto her shoulder. So, 50.5 hours after prodomal labor began (and didn't stop), 14.5 hours after my water broke, and after 1.5 hours of pushing, my Renna was in my arms.

Me with Renna, Mama, and Marlyce.

Fourth Stage and Just After Birth
She required a lot of rubbing to get her to start breathing, but she finally did. She didn't need any oxygen. Then Michael was laying next to me, and we held our little girl.

Proud Parents with the newborn Renna

She breast fed right away, and really went to town.

Renna and her first meal.

Mama brought Jamie in to see his sister. He was too tired and asleep to really be that aware, but he looked at me and was a little freaked out by me holding her. He did go straight back to sleep however, so he must not have been that freaked out. The placenta came out with one push about a half hour later, and Marlyce checked it out and it was fine and healthy. I guess at one point, Michael had agreed to "catch" and after seeing me crowning said he didn't want to (I did hear him say that at the time and asked about it later), so when it came time for the cord they asked if he wanted to but he let Mama do it (after it stopped pulsing, of course). She was thrilled. Marlyce waited to see if I needed stitches, but the "backward" tear wouldn't stop bleeding so she stitched it, but the "front" tear didn't need any. Then they made me get up and pee, which was lots of fun, let me tell you.

Renna getting measured.

Mama held Renna while Marlyce was taking care of me (after taking Renna's measurements), and Alex the Bichon, laid next to her and kept sniffing Renna and laying his head next to her in a protective posture. He knew right away when I got pregnant with her (and with Jamie) and loved laying his head on my belly, listening. And once she was here, he was thrilled. All throughout labor, he paced like he knew something was going on. He was a happy boy. The other dogs were locked up in the garage to keep them out of the way. Kelsey the Border Collie because we didn't have enough time to get her used to the new people so she wouldn't nip them, and because she'd bark continuously if locked up her usual place in the house. Tigger the Dachshund because she'd bark non stop if in the house, as well. And Murphy the Golden because his huge self would just be in the way. Once Marlyce and Louise left around 3:30am, Mama let the dogs in, but we didn't have Murphy and Kelsey sleep with us as normal since they hadn't been introduced to Renna yet.

Life with Renna

Our First Day

I slept as long as I could, but I didn't really sleep in. I felt great! Renna was a beauty, she fed really well, and she needed to meet her family. The dogs were totally blase, except for Alex who was still thrilled. Murphy did wag his tail, so I think he was happy to have her here, too.

Renna in handknits

I made the appointment with the pediatrician for the next day, and we settled in for the day. Julie had arrived earlier to put up a sign with balloons, and later she and Bridget came over to visit. They were amazed I was doing so well. In fact, they did say that I really seemed myself, while after the c-section with Jamie it seemed to take several months before I was "back" and they had missed me. I was amazed by how good I felt, too. Renna continued to sleep most of the day away, feeding every 3-4 hours. In the days that followed, we developed a routine, and she slept well, and fed even better. She lost 7oz the first day, one the day after, but by 9 days old had gone up to 8lbs 12oz! When Marlyce came to do the Newborn Screen, after cutting Renna's heal and Renna starting to cry piteously, Jamie started crying and grabbed me and kept saying "Mama!" while looking at his sister sadly and at Marlyce like she was a monster. He started loving his sister right away. It took him a while to be reassured that I was still there for him and that our relationship hadn't changed, but he is now calmer and happier. It helped him to see Renna go to the pediatrician's office and he didn't get any shots, and his visit several days later went much better than normal. My sister-in-law Kristin arrived a week later, and she has been a big help. Jamie has come to adore her and loves to play with her. I had to go back to work when Renna was 6 days old, which has been really hard. But now my schedule has settled down, and we've made sure Renna gets breast fed on demand, and I'm not so upset about it. My bottom hurt like the dickens for 2 weeks but feels better now. I did over do it twice and started bleeding really heavily and passing larger than is safe clots, but after resting I was fine. So I'm just taking it easy still, while trying to get back to normal. It seems the main trigger for overdoing it is lifting things that are too heavy, or lifting something heavy-ish too high, so I can't carry Renna in her carrier, or lift the stroller, or put Jamie in his carseat. Otherwise, I'm fine to resume normalcy. And Renna is a great sleeper, so I have to wake her to get her to eat. She also sleeps through any household noise, including Jamie's tantrums from when he's overly tired. Jamie is even learning to sleep more heavily and doesn't necessarily wake up when she cries. We've started getting used to being a larger family now, and it's wonderful!

In retrospect
I'm very glad we decided on the home birth. While it was a long hard labor (even Louise and Marlyce said it was hard, so it's not just my opinion), it was very rewarding and healing and so much better than a repeat c/s. The long labor I had, along with the pattern of stopping and starting, would have made the OB's want to intervene to "keep things progressing" and probably would have pressured me into a c-section in the end. In fact, both Marlyce and Louise said just that. And while Marlyce is definitely biased toward home birth, Louise works in a hospital of which she's very proud, including their vbac stats. If I'd had to fight about it, the stress alone would have made labor longer and harder, and I might have caved on an epidural, and would have caved on another c-section if they'd hinted at her being in distress, which is actually pretty likely because they would have required constant external electronic fetal monitoring, which has a 90% false positive rate especially when the baby's actually in the birth canal. All of this would have made a vbac at a hospital almost impossible, and I don't think I can quantify or describe how important it was to me that I have a vbac. I thank God that everything happened the way it did, when it did. I surrounded myself with a great support team, and they didn't let me down. I didn't let myself down, either. Had Renna shown any distress, we'd have been in the hospital in about 8 minutes, but thankfully she was just as happy in labor as Jamie had been. Constant heart rate, and constantly moving. I am a bit embarassed by how loud I was. I moaned the whole time. In fact, sometimes, I moaned as loudly as I could because it "drowned out" the pain. I tried praying, but I'd forget where I was mid-word. Michael said that's okay because he was praying for me. Sweet man. I couldn't use my normal zen dissociation when I neared transition, let alone in it. Now I know what my "normal" pattern for labor is, so next time I know what to expect. And hopefully I won't have a lip then now that my cervix knows how to dilate fully. Yes, there will be a next time. I do still remember the pain, and I think I always will, but it was worth it to have Renna and I would be willing to do it again for another child.

Offspring Update

2009-04-25T17:02:00.002-04:00

Jamie is doing really well. He was sleeping in his new toddler bed for the longest time, and even started using a pillow. He had almost 2 months of teething his molars which caused some serious sleep issues. Nobody ever told me it could cause such problems! I was worried it was something we were doing. But for the last 3 days he's gone for a daily nap and to bed at night pretty much voluntarily and didn't cry at all! It makes life so much easier. He hasn't demanded to play in the middle of the night either, and last night he woke up and put himself back to sleep.

A couple of weeks ago, he decided he didn't want to sleep in his bed anymore, and moved his pillow and blanket to the narrow space between the foot of our bed and the wall/corner of the room. The mattress fits perfectly there, so we moved his mattress, got a new mattress for the bed (convertible crib/toddler bed) to see if he wanted to keep using his bed, and he hasn't looked back. He likes the floor. So we'll use the crib for Renna and when we move we'll get a twin bed for Jamie. He should be ready by then.

Jamie crawls up and down stairs by himself, and will walk up and down them if holding someone's hand. He walks like a pro and thankfully has stopped falling down from being uncoordinated. He also runs, which is highly cool. He can just barely reach doorknobs now, but can't turn them yet.

We're already potty training him. He tells us when he has to pee on a pretty regular basis, but doesn't tell us about the other yet. This is the only way to solve his diaper rash since it's because of his super sensitive skin and not from the poo itself. I'm very impressed with him that he's done so well and really taken to this potty training business.

Renna is growing well and I have only 7 weeks until my due date. We've decided to do a home birth. I found a midwife, and Louise will still be my doula even though now she'll have to drive an hour and a half to get here. I'm looking into getting a pool and laboring in the water, and maybe doing a water birth. All of this came about after a bad visit with the OB. She said some things that were completely counter to what she had been saying before. I know sometimes she gets crabby if she feels like she's not being given the proper amount authority and recognition. I just didn't need to worry about her mood when in labor and didn't want to have to fight with her about not doing unnecessary interventions. A vbac is healthiest and safest for both Renna and me and the safest place to labor and birth is in the home whether it's a vbac or regular vaginal birth. When Michael found out I wanted to go to the hospital only because of insurance and cost reasons, he was not happy with me. He wanted a home birth just like I did, but thought I wanted to be in the hospital just in case there was a need for an emergency c-section. And since the time it would take to get me into the OR is the same whether I'm laboring in the hospital with a surgeon on call or coming in from 5 minutes away is still a minimum of 20 minutes, it doesn't help to be in the hospital. I'm really very comfortable with this decision and I like the midwife. I am so much healthier and more comfortable in this pregnancy than I was at this point with Jamie. I really look forward to being able to give birth without extensive interference from impatient doctors.

Knitting Miscellany and a Ewe-Nique Store Found

2009-04-25T16:16:00.004-04:00

I've finished four sweaters since December, two for Renna and two for Jamie. Now I'm working on a pair of socks and a scarf for Janessa for Christmas. Soon I'll be starting Renna's blanket which will be in a lace weight held double. I'll also be starting (over) another pair of socks. I'll also be starting another sweater, this one for Renna, then one for Jamie.

I got the KnitPicks options interchangeables and I love them. I also got the fixed circulars in the smaller sizes. The wires of the KnitPicks needles are the best I've ever used, very soft and pliable (even without boiling!). I also like their yarn. I've made both of Jamie's sweaters and one of Renna's from KnitPicks yarn. It's inexpensive but still excellent quality.

I've also found a new favorite yarn store in Goshen called Ewe-Nique Knits. I heard of it from someone in a knitting group I've started going to that meets once a month. I also met the owner online through Ravelry. So Mama and I went one Saturday, and I got some great yarn. I found two that I made into a sweater for Renna, and one was the lace weight for Renna's blanket. I also got the sock yarn there on another trip. I love this place! We even made the 45 minute drive for a knitting night, which we'll be doing again soon.

Daddy Needs to Be Here Right Now

2009-04-25T15:29:00.002-04:00

My husband had me peeing my pants today. But let me start at the beginning. A Red Robbin restaurant opened up last week, so we went to lunch there today. My mother had never been to one, so it was totally new to her. The fries are awesome, btw. My son was playing with his balloon and he knocked it into my drink, which landed square on my lap and I was soaked. I wasn't terribly upset, because, what can you do? I had to sit through lunch in wet pants, but that's okay. It was a little funny. Now, you may be thinking that if I find something like this so funny, perhaps I have some mental problems, or some weird pregnancy hormonal thing going on, and you maybe right. But I digress. We got our food and Mama's fish was rubbery and just not good at all, so she sent it back and got the chicken strips instead. After they took that away, I bit further into my burger and found that part of it was mostly raw in the center. So I sent it back to get cooked some more. By the time Mama's chicken arrived Michael had finished his burger. A few minutes later my burger arrived. The chicken was much better and my burger was much better, although I did find parts of it were still pink in the middle, but at least it wasn't raw. Now, you'd think perhaps I'd be annoyed or at least tense at this point, but no. Not a big deal really. Michael took Jamie out into the car because he was tired and ready for a nap and getting overstimulated and cranky in the restaurant. Mama and I finished eating shortly thereafter. The manager comped our entire bill, which was very generous, and of course we'll be back to give them another chance. It's newly opened afterall, so not all of the kinks are worked out yet. So we leave a tip, and the waitress was thrilled. I remember when I used to wait tables that usually fully comped tables didn't usually leave a tip even if the reason for the comp wasn't my fault at all. Anyway, she was a great waitress, so of course we left her a tip based on what we thought the bill would have been. She earned it. So we go out to the car and head home. Jamie was feeling better but still cranky, so I put on his classical music and he went straight to sleep. On the drive home, Michael started telling us about how Jamie is learning to try to communicate more complex ideas. Michael was in the bathroom, but had the door open so he could still hear Jamie and be accesible if Jamie needed/wanted him, and Jamie came in and had his train controller and pointed to it then pointed out into the living room. This has happened often when the train runs into a wall or obstacle and stops moving. He then wants you to "fix" the train so it moves again. But he has learned to do this himself, so Michael was confused as to why Jamie would come to him about this again, so he told Jamie to bring him the train. Jamie then went back into the living room and returned without the train and made the same gestures as before. Again Michael told him to bring him the train and again Jamie returned without it and repeated the same gestures. Michael then said that he told Jamie he couldn't go get it right now. He said he "had to be in the bathroom right now", and couldn't do what he was doing anywhere else. I found this to be enormously hilarious and laughed until I cried and peed. All I could think of was "Daddy needs to be here right now" and imagining him on the toilet. And since I was driving, I had to try to not laugh, which only seemed to make it worse. Oh, and to finish the Jamie story, he couldn't bring Michael the train because it was stuck partly under the couch and caught on some thread. So Jamie was trying to say he couldn't get his train. Such a smart boy.

It's been a while, but we're back!

2009-02-06T20:16:00.008-05:00

It's been quite a while since I posted, and so I admit to being a very bad blogger. So I'll try to sum up the past few months.

December was Jamie's birthday and Christmas. Jamie had so many gifts that we actually had to save some for Christmas because he got too tired to open all of them on his birthday. Probably it would be best to open gifts before dinner instead of after next time. We had a nice dinner at Olive Garden, and Lil B came and gave Jamie a betta fish that we've named Alpha Beta. He loved his chocolate cake, too! Here's his favorite present:

Christmas was so much fun. We spoiled each other rotten, but especially spoiled Jamie. Here's another photo:

He started walking a few steps at a time in December, and just in the last week he's started walking pretty much everywhere without holding on. He loves his freedom! He's trying to walk as quickly as possible now, and he's so proud of himself. He got his first molar in, too, and has 3 others working their way down in fits.

In January, he slowly got used to his new skills and started calling out Mama, Dada, and Nana on a regular basis and now uses them when he wants each of us specifically all the time. He's started playing with the dogs. He tries to get Tigger to chase her, and sometimes she tries. He's learning to pet the dogs gently, and Murphy loves it! Jamie has learned to try to throw or roll a ball for Alex, which of course thrills Alex no end. Murphy is desperate for Jamie to play with him. Jamie had his hearing test in January, but when they tried to do the test, he freaked out and they couldn't do it. We'll have to go back again and try a different type of test and hopefully he'll be more cooperative.

We're expecting a new baby in June. We had a level 2 ultrasound in January to look for a CDH, but everything looks good. It looks like the diaphragm is intact, but of course it could have a hernia on the left, but still not be breached by the abdominal organs yet, so we'll keep our eyes open for symptoms, just in case. And at the ultrasound, we did find that the baby is a girl! Her name is Rhiannon, and we'll call her Renna. Jamie will be a big brother, and I think he'll be thrilled and very loving. So far she's just as active as Jamie was, but I haven't been able to feel her as much because the placenta is anterior. Julie got me a fetal doppler for my birthday, and I've been able to hear her heartbeat whenever I want, and it's wonderful! :) I found a doctor in Crown Point who will do a vbac, and I can have my doula teacher as my doula! It's great! We're taking a Bradley childbirth class, and so Michael is getting the training I got from my doula classes. It's been really wonderful. I did find out from one of the other mothers that her doctor does vbacs, including vbacs after primary sections. I did talk to a doctor at the same practice and he wouldn't, and he'd been the one I heard would do them, so I didn't interview any others. Oh, well. I'm happy with my new OB.

Jamie's crib was recalled last June, and I only found out two weeks ago. I found that the manufacturer is giving vouchers to those who had recalled cribs after sending them certain information and photos of labels. We'll be able to get a new crib with a credit of the highest retail value of the crib. I've picked out a crib that doesn't have drop sides and it converts to a toddler bed and to a full bed. We'll have to order it and it should only take a week or two to arrive. By then Jamie will be ready for a toddler bed. He's been sleeping on the mattress on the floor since we found out, and the first night was really rough, but since then he's been a pro about it. He seems to love the freedom of being able to get up and leave the bedroom after naps and to get off and on the mattress to play with his toys, even in the middle of the night.

I've had a few FO since my last posting, but the most recent is a baby sweater for Renna that is just adorable. It's a little too big so it can't be a take home outfit like I was planning, but she'll get some wear out of it once it fits. I still need to make pants to go with it. I have a blanket waiting to be made called Diamonds for Rhiannon. After reading the name, I knew I had to have it. I've been working on a sweater for Jamie, too and I'm about halfway through. Then I'll make the February Lady sweater for me.

Post-op Check-up and General Update

2008-10-23T22:02:00.003-04:00

Well, it's been a month since I posted. We've been so busy getting back to life and helping Jamie recover. Now that we've been home, I've gone back to normal TA duties and research. I had a few nightmares about Jamie when we first got back, but I haven't had any lately, thank God. We've been getting the house ready to put on the market. Jamie will need his own room soon, so we'd like to buy a bigger house and despite the current market it looks like we won't have any problems selling ours and buying another nice house. Jamie has been such a good boy. He developed a yeast infection from the antibiotics, and has a recurring diaper rash from highly acidic poo. We heard from the doc today that the rash is likely from the flora becoming imbalanced in his gut from the time he went without food in the hospital (and likely some before due to the pinched bowels) and that it should clear up with some yogurt. Simple enough fix. We also went back to cloth because of his butt issues. Jamie's been a babbling fiend since we got home! He really sounds like he knows what he's saying. He has much greater attention and energy now, and is less fussy just as a general rule. Of course, don't let him get bored! And he fights sleep still. Actually, that's been getting better since we've been able to reestablish night time rituals and schedules. He had been waking up 3 times a night and I was losing my mind! For the past two nights he's only woken up once, and for a week before that it was back to his normal twice a night. So I definitely like this trend. He hasn't fought sleep as hard since we got him back on schedule and with his night time routine, which makes life a lot easier. He is also cruising now and trying to take steps without holding onto things. He can't stand up yet without holding onto something, but it's only habit and not actually necessary anymore. Once he can stand up on his own, walking won't be far behind. He laughs like an insane child when we hold his hands so he can walk where he wants to go.

We had his post-op check up in Indianapolis at Riley today. It went very well, and Dr. West doesn't need to see him for a year. A year! He's just doing that well. She said that there are no medical constraints on what he can do from now on. He's completely normal and healthy and should continue to heal. She was impressed with how fast and how well he's healing. He weighed 20lbs 1oz. That's below what he weighed before he got sick, but it's a normal weight for his age. It's a little low still given his height, but that's okay. We really upped the table food and the calories to bulk him up starting 3 weeks ago after his pediatrician appointment, and since then he's gained 3 lbs! :) He likes his food. Anyway, she told us what to look for in case of ruptures, and said to check his hearing again at 1 year old. There's a 20% chance he'll have some form of hearing loss, though they don't know why the correlation. After talking with her, and having a clean bill of health for my boy, I just cried. I was so happy. Going back to the hospital reminded me of how we could have lost him and how sick and in pain he was. And now he's healthy. It really is like a nightmare that we woke up from. I was so happy, I cried on the way out. Until this appointment, I kept wondering when the other shoe would drop. I kept worrying that he'd get sick again and this time God would say, "Oops, sorry, I meant to take him last time, so I'll just take him now". But it looks like that isn't going to happen. We're so lucky. I'll always be a little paranoid, but at least I know we can go on and be "normal". I'll always get scared when he gets a sniffle, diarrhea, or vomits. I'll always worry about our other children as they are conceived, are born, and grow. But at least I know what to look for, and now I know to trust my instincts. And thank God for all the people willing to pray for a child in need, and thank God for modern medicine to give them the best possible chances, and thank God for answering our prayers. God gave me Jamie twice, first when I conceived him, and second when he survived surgery. I'm just so grateful.

Home and Feeling Great

2008-09-24T12:02:00.007-04:00

Walking out the door and going home.

In the Riley Wagon, on his way out.

Dance! Dance!

Eating any solids he wants!

We got to take Jamie home on Thursday the 18th, and got home late in the day. Jamie did so well! He rode in the car and was a happy boy. He slept for a while, played by himself for a while, and I played with him for a while, so the 2.5 hour drive went by pretty quickly. He got a little fussy in the last 10 minutes or so, but I was able to distract him until we got home. He had a messy one, so it's not surprising he was cranky. Then he went to sleep without fussing. Amazing.

Since we've been home he's been a new boy. He's calmer and happier and not so fussy. He likes to snuggle now. We can sit with him on the couch, just holding him, and he is happy. Before, he'd just have a fit if we weren't walking him around or at least bouncing him while sitting. And he goes to sleep for naps and bedtime without having a fit. I rock him and out he goes. No crying! Nothing! And then when he wakes up he plays by himself for a while until we hear him and get him, and he's not upset. Before, he'd always wake up from naps crying piteously. Only in the mornings would he wake up happy. It's just amazing. He has a lot more attention for play now. He will amuse himself with his books and toys for up to an hour now! Before you'd be lucky to get a half hour. He also wants me a lot more. He loves his Mama. I hold him and he's totally calm.

It seems like before I could hold him and it would help, but he'd still be miserable. I thought and had been told that he was just a fussy baby, a "high needs baby". The truth was that he was in pain because his innards were jumbled. But you know what's the strangest part? I had wondered if everything was "where it should be" inside his torso. I even asked the doctor once at his 6 month check up, and she said yeah. She had no reason to think anything so rare was going on with him, and it's pretty hard to diagnose without a chest x-ray, so I can't blame her for not finding it. But it's so weird that I just kept wondering that since he was born. I mean, seriously, who questions whether or not their child's organs are in the right places? He sometimes had breathing problems, but the doc said he was healthy and that it was probably a virus or allergies or something like that. I just chalked it up to being a paranoid first time mother. That's what I've always heard about mothers who constantly question about the things their child is doing, and I didn't want to be unreasonable. FORGET THAT! From now on, I will absolutely trust my own instincts. I will trust my mother's instinct.

Oh, and he still is a feisty boy. He is still my child, after all. ;)

Off Tubes and Feeling Fine

2008-09-17T17:13:00.007-04:00

On Saturday we got a room in the Ronald McDonald House. Since I'd slept with Jamie Thursday and Friday (while Michael slept in another room in the hospital) and didn't get more than a few hours each night, Michael insisted I sleep in the RMH that night. After that we switched off. Jamie had some bleeding through his NG tube. They say that happens when it's on continuous suction because it'll grab part of the stomach sometimes and cause it to bleed.

On Sunday, his pain was a lot better. He still had to have his meds on time, the morphine every 3 hours and the Tordal every 8. He was a bit more awake, but seemed unhappy and bored. I it occurred to me to play with him, and he played a little. It made him very very happy. And the nurse brought him a stacked rings toy that lights up when you up the rings on the pole (whatever that thing is called). He didn't smile or laugh, but he was happier. Respiration Therapy puts him to sleep and makes his coughs more productive. He had another bleed in his NG tube. I just hate that. Blood should stay in the body. Oh, and he tried to pull out his NG tube. I don't know what came over me, but the moment I saw him grabbing it, and it was out about an inch or so,I just pushed it back in. And then I wondered, "what was I thinking?" I just shoved a tube back in his body, and did I hit anything? Well the nurse came and checked it out and it was fine. And the doctor said the next day that that's all they would've done, and I should sign up for nursing school. :) We went to mass at one of the chapels and the priest was wonderful! He gave a moving sermon about looking to the cross (or crucifix) and giving up our burdens to God and looking at it not as a sign of suffering (as in Jesus' Suffering, or a symbol of our own suffering) but as a sign of Victory. It's a sign of Jesus' Victory over death, Victory over Sin, and it's a sign of our victory over death and sin and suffering and faith in God. It was something I needed to hear.

On Monday, he smiled! The priest who gave the sermon on Sunday came over and performed the Sacrement of Healing on Jamie. In case you're wondering, it's not "Last Rites", it's for anyone in need of healing. Just because it's also given as the last of all the rites doesn't make it only for the dying. He played a bit more, and during one such time, he looked over at the crib toy and smiled briefly. Such a beautiful sight! Later in the day, he even tried to laugh. He was allowed to have water in small amounts, and managed it no problem. He got a fever late at night and they gave him a Tylenol suppository which took care of it. They also did blood work to see if he had an infection either locally or generally. (The preliminary cultures came back today and so far nothing. The doctor, Karen West who is just fantastic, said it's likely a hormonal response to his labored shallow breathing.) He was also able to go up to 4 hours sometimes before needing his meds. His x-ray came back looking pretty good. His heart had moved over into pretty much the center of his chest. The left side is still thickened, but it looks healthy, as do the lungs. They continued with the Respiration Therapy every 6 hours, which he really enjoyed and his lungs continued to get clearer. He still mostly refused to cough because it hurt to much.

Yesterday, they took out his NG tube early in the morning, and he started playing with Michael right away. Around noon they took out his chest tube. And we got to hold him! It was the first time since I handed him to the surgical nurse for surgery, and it was wonderful! It was an even happier moment than when I held him after he was born. And he tried to stand up and move around, and was much more active and alert and didn't cry every time he moved or was moved. And with those tubes out, we didn't have to make him wear those no-nose arm guards to keep him from trying to pull out the NG tube. And I put a new sleeper on him. Much better than the hospital gown! He had more x-rays, before and after they pulled the chest tube, and everything looked good. No noticeable improvement over the previous day's x-rays, but he still looks good. The lungs looked inflated.

Today, he went as long as 9.5 hours between morphine doses! He's having a much better time with the pain, but now that he can move around and we can hold him and play with him more he gets a little sore from it. They also said he could have soft food, starting slow. He's tolerated it pretty well. The doctor said they might send him home tomorrow! Seriously! Tomorrow! We are a happy family. :) He's also back to flirting with people. It's been several months since he did that! Happy happy day!

Update 1:15pm Sat. 12 Sept.

2008-09-13T13:09:00.002-04:00

He is more awake now since the anesthesia has worn off completely, but he still mostly just sleeps. He's having some trouble breathing so Respiratory is going to come down to give him some sort of treatment with percussion something or other. Yesterday they had to adjust his morphine dose so he could get it more often. Every time it wears off he gets pretty upset and wakes up. This morning he started trying to cry, but that hurt him, so he just whimpered. It was time for more morphine. They're also going to add Tordal (anti-inflammatory non-steroidal pain med like ibuprofen) which should really make him feel better. He had more x-rays and his heart hasn't moved over toward the center like it should, and his good lung isn't fully expanded yet, and the other lung is still partially collapsed. This morning is when he started having some more trouble breathing, which is why they're calling in Respiratory for some treatment. They said it would make him cry, which is what they want so that he'll cough this junk out of his lungs and dislodge other gunk. The nurse brought in a crib toy that plays music, much like the one he has at home. I gave him his blanket, put it in his fingers, and he grasped it and went back to sleep.

A Mother's Worst Fears Become Reality

2008-09-12T23:33:00.002-04:00

So here is my Darling Boy. He had the stomach flu and just didn't stop vomiting. So I took him into the pediatrician and saw a new woman (only appointment we could get, but she is seriously awesome I may switch to her permanently), and she recommended admitting him for IV fluids. He was so dehydrated that it took 7 tries (7 TRIES!) to get the IV in. During the 6th try they were holding his arms and legs down but one of the nurses had her arm close to his mouth and he reached up and bit her. BIT HER! He decided that if the only part he could control and use to defend himself, then by God he was going to use it! Such a spunky boy! Thankfully it didn't break the skin. They took a chest x-ray. After asking about it, they finally said the doctor would come in to discuss it with us. The x-ray showed he had a Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia on the right side. From birth there has been a whole in his diaphragm and his abdominal organs have been able to travel into his chest. It is a life threatening condition that is caused by a congenital defect which develops during the 7th to 10th weeks of gestation and survival is 80% with modern medicine. (Which means there's a 20% mortality rate, don't think I didn't see that!) What happens is that two "flaps" of the diaphragm don't grow together properly, leaving a hole, usually on the left side. This is often found during ultrasounds or diagnosed within days of birth. With Jamie, his ultrasounds looked normal, and he was very healthy and growing normally until recently and so there was no suspicion of a defect. They think that when he got the stomach flu, the pressure of vomiting pushed the organs up farther making it obvious in x-ray. Anyway, they then flew him to Riley Children's Hospital in Indianapolis by MedFlight helicopter so they could have time to stabilize him for surgery. We followed him by car, arriving 3 hours after he did. Surgery began at 8am and by 11am they had finished. So that was the faster end of the spectrum. I don't think I've ever cried to hard from relief in my entire life. Mama and Michael had to tell people I was crying happy tears. I guess I sounded rather devastated, which I was just from the whole "I could lose him" fear. They had no complications, no bleeding issues (no transfusion), the organs looked pretty good, the lungs looked better than expected, the diaphragm had enough of it's own tissue that they were able to just sew it up with adding anything to cover the hole. The liver, colon, lower intestine, part of the upper intestine, part of the stomach, and part of one kidney were all in the chest cavity. The lung that was compressed the most was partially collapsed. I don't know how much of it was working vs. filled with fluid. The chest tube is still in and the fluid is draining out. There is a bruise on the lower intestine, but it didn't look bad enough to remove, so the doctor just left it to see if it will repair on it's own. After the surgery, the lungs and heart had moved to fill 75% of the chest cavity, which is apparently super wonderful since sometimes the "squish" is permanent. His lungs don't seem to be underdeveloped, which is again amazing given the condition. They are giving him calories via the central line to help him gain weight and stay strong since he already lost weight and hadn't eaten in so long. Okay, he'd eaten, he'd just not digested. Small difference, I know. He is now on morphine every 3 hours. Every 4 was too far apart. His fluid output isn't matching input, which is probably him building up some lost fluids. His urine looks much better than before surgery, but it's still a bit cloudy, so we'll see what the doc says here soon. A lot of people have been praying for my darling, so please continue praying. I know it's greedy of me, but I still want as many miracles for his recovery as I can get. He is a brave wonderful strong courageous boy. We need him.

A Winter Sweater in Summer, and Some Pumpkin Stocks

2008-07-19T19:59:00.005-04:00

I finished a sweater for Jamie a few days ago. I thought about blocking it, then decided to leave it alone. It looks good as is, and is an acrylic/wool blend, so blocking is only marginally successful, in my experience. So here is the front.
Here is the back.
And here's a closer view of the back. I'm also making a hat to go with it in simple rib and stockinette. I do have a pattern for a cabled infant hat, so I may make that one as well. This was a Dale of Norway pattern (17504 Cardigan), using Patons Decor Sand and Sea. The hat that I had done earlier (it was a bit too small) was really just too cute, but somehow the sweater falls short of expectations. I do like it, and I'm particularly enamored of the buttons, but it's not as cute as I had hoped. Mama loves it, though. It worked up very fast, and was very easy to do and carry around, so I'll definitely be doing more baby sweaters. I'll probably do this sweater again, but in a solid. I'd like to do it in 100% wool but I don't have access to much pure wool yarn. I'm seriously tempted to order some online, but I'm so picky about color that it'd be like gambling. Eh. Maybe I will.

I also finished my purple scarf. I adore it! Thank you Amanda for the the yarn! I used a reversible cable pattern (here) that was very easy to do, and to memorize. It's so soft, and has a nice thickness without being bulky.

So I've been working on doula training and attended one birth. Congrats, John and Julie and baby Tommy! He's a gorgeous boy and has a shocking head of luscious black hair! I've learned a lot, and will continue doing everything I can to learn more and get better. The one birth I attended was very hard, but very rewarding. It's my opinion that no woman should give birth without a doula. Labor is a very hard process, and it's very easy to get disheartened and stress out, which causes labor to be complicated and harder than it needs to be (oh, how life is like that, also!). Doulas provide much needed emotional and physical support to laboring women and their loved ones, and gives them the tools they need to voice their wants and needs to each other and to the medical staff. The nurses at Memorial that we dealt with were wonderful, and the doctor was, too, but we didn't deal with her as much until the end. It was really hard work, and after being awake for 29 hours on only 4 hours sleep, I was spent. I tried to eat and get some sleep, but it was too late, I got a massive migraine. It wasn't until the next day that I felt better. One thing was so funny. Michael came in to check on me and went to throw out something, and stopped. He picked up the knotted off trash bag and held it up at eye level, and looked totally confused. In fact his expression said, "Dear God, what is this?" As he stood there examining it, I tried not to laugh even in my near dead state. I told him then how I'd thrown up in the trash can and knotted off the bag so it wouldn't stink. His face was blank for a moment, then said, "Oh. Okay." And then he left taking the bag with him. I found that inordinately amusing, and still do. He's priceless. Poor man didn't know how sick I was until then. The image of him standing there holding up that plastic bag at eye level, totally baffled and trying to analyze the contents, not realizing he was holding a bag of vomit amuses me still. HAHAHAHA.

I bought some new bras today. SOOOOO sexy! I weaned Jamie for health reasons (migraine management), and so now I don't need to wear the nursing bras and I don't leak anymore. I wore nursing bras or sleeping bras (a looser sort of athletic bra for nursing women) constantly, just as was recommended by the books to reduce sagging, and I my breasts are just as perky as before I had Jamie. Even so, when I went to Victoria's Secret for a fitting, I was prepared for a change, and there was a difference. Before I had Jamie, I was a 36-D, and now, at the same weight, I'm a 34-D. Yep, I'm a happy woman.

Tomorrow is our one year wedding anniversary. It's hard to believe! Two years ago Michael and I hadn't even met. One year ago we had our family and friends come together to witness our vows before God. It was a perfect day. Now we are happy and having a wonderful time together. I am even happier now than I was then. Even when the man annoys me, he is my perfect match. It's amazing how we fit together. We have so much fun just being together, just hanging out. Actually, if he didn't annoy me sometimes, I'd think he was too good to be true!

Well, sorry for the long rambling post. I know it's been a while, and it's light on crafting content, but I've been very busy. Child rearing, research, family life, doula training, the Diamond Rainbow quilt, Tommy's Garden Wall Quilt, my Garden lap quilt, Jamie's sweater, my purple scarf, three baby afghans, my first socks, etc... And so I leave you with photos of the growing things which Michael has tended so well this year.

Lots of Handi-Crafts, Lots of Work

2008-06-02T22:12:00.006-04:00

I've been working really hard lately on pretty much everything. I got a new computer (Macbook) and spent a great deal of time setting up all of my work programs, and I still have some more to do, but it's basically up and running. I've been doing lots of research and trying to read papers. I'm notoriously bad at keeping up on all the latest publications. But enough about work. I finished the baby quilt/wall hanging for my friend Julie. Bridget and I hosted her baby shower on Saturday. I tricked her though. When I presented it to her, I showed her the back.

She said how cool it was, and I said, "Oh, wait, there's more." Then I showed her the front.

She liked it so much she almost cried.

And here is a gratuitous photo of my Jamie.

It's a weird photo, but it's from a project we're doing, and he just looks so happy. It's a great one of him. He has two teeth now, and still hates to sleep. He's finally letting me put him to sleep at night. Okay, it's worked exactly twice and both times were tonight. But the second time I put him down, he went a lot faster and without so much fussing, and no crying. No crying is a MAJOR improvement. Seriously, the boy hates to miss anything and wants to be in the thick of it. Anyway. He discovered the computer a month ago and LOVES it. Given any chance he tries to type on it. He bangs on the keyboard, and then looks at the screen. Seriously. It just blows me away. He knows the names of things and responds to verbal cues. Today, I said the name of his favorite toy, and he smiled and looked over at it. This whole learning thing is just too cool.

I've been knitting when possible. (HA! Like there's time for anything that isn't work.) I finished my first sock. Now on to it's mate. No photos as yet. I have the suspicion that if I take a photo of it and post on it, I'll never finish it. I have superstitions already. I really liked making it, though. I'll be making more. The main problem is the shortage of sock yarn in the area. I'll have to go into Chicago to find any sort of selection. I've also been working on my new winter scarf. I have photos, but they're way old and I've posted them before. And no self respecting blogger would repeat post. ;)

Happy Mother's Day

2008-05-11T18:37:00.004-04:00

Happy Mother's Day! This being my second Mother's Day (first if you don't count when I was pregnant, but I do so there!) I was again reminded of all the hopes and joys and fears I have for my son as a human being and for myself as a mother. These hopes and joys and fears are the same that mothers throughout human existence have felt, and so it's really nothing new. I shouldn't worry about the things that could go wrong, because no matter how good a mother I am or will be (I'm counting on getting better with time and experience) I will screw up and scar Jamie in some way. I know that there are things beyond my control, but I hope I get to see Jamie grow up, and I hope he gets to grow up. But again, I worry. My imagination is too creative sometimes, and parenting websites and magazines are just fodder for my worst nightmares. In the end, all I can do is love my family, enjoy my son and be the best mother I can be, and pray that God will take care of the things I can't see. AND STOP TAKING EXTRANEOUS SHIT SO SERIOUSLY.

On a lighter note, I passed my oral exam and now have a Master's Degree. Because my exam occurred 13 days past the deadline for May graduation, the date on it will be 2009. 2009! Officially the conferment date will be in January. Okay, seriously, why is the December graduation dated in January? Okay, whatever. I'm over it. I was so worried that I would fail. I'm so paranoid. But in the end I passed after only 10 minutes of discussion, part of which was about whether or not some members of my committee were interested in helping us do some observations. My friends Julie, Trevor (yay, Dr. Trevor), and Tam were there during my exam and I'm very grateful for their support. Those in the outer room during the exam heard occasional laughter, and figured things must have been going well. They were. While we waited for the decision to down from on high, we heard laughter. And I knew I had passed. :)

Five days before my exam, my computer decided to start acting up. I couldn't start up the linux partition and Knoppix couldn't access it to recover any data. Totally scared me silly. Then, very mysteriously, it decided to load up normally. *head banging hard on the table* So I was able to get all that I needed for my exam. But I decided it was time for a new computer. And so I ordered a macbook. I like that I can do my command line coding without separate partitions and I can still have Word, Excel, and PowerPoint. My macbook arrived on Wednesday, and I've been in love with it ever since. I just LOVE not having to go back and forth between partitions, but I do miss the games that came with RedHat. Oh, well. I had quite a time getting a fortran compiler to work on here, and then I had trouble with a mysterious error that I had seen before that no one was able to fix. So I handed the computer to My Darling, and said in a piteous voice, "Fix... it... Please... fit... it..." And he did. God I love that man! He has a sexy brain.

Okay, now on to knitting! I am still working on my first pair of socks. Or, actually, I'm still working on my first sock. I'm about to do the toe. I have very little knitting time, but I take it with me where ever I go so I can try to get some knitting done everyday. I'd go nuts otherwise. I still have Jamie's sweater, Mama's scarf, and my scarf ready to work on, but with Jamie, research, pumping breastmilk all the damn time, and doing doula training, I am very very very busy. And loving it! Mostly.

Jamie is eating solids now. If you call baby food solid. They're really just thick liquids. Anyway, he loves solid food. He's had carrots, peas, and a little bit of potato. And he is trying hard to get up and walk around. He'll just frantically move his legs back and forth like he's walking when you hold him on your lap. He reaches for things all the time now, and rolls over consistently.

Jamie still fights sleep like a demon. Some nights he will let us put him to sleep without a problem, and other nights he screams no matter what we do. Rocking, walking, bouncing, singing, reading, feeding, breast feeding, etc. Usually it works best to do several at once, but sometimes he just screams through it all. All I can do is try to be consistent and comfort him and soothe him. Oops there he is now. I'm off to soothe the savage infant whom I love more than anything else.

Teething and Too Little Time

2008-04-05T21:05:00.003-04:00

My Little Darling is teething. It's a top tooth on the left side. He is tolerating it rather well for now. He just chews on his clothes and blankets and stuffed animals and is a little extra fussy, but not much. Some of the books I read said babies could start teething now, but I thought it was a bit early. He's watching us eat food now, but doesn't seem to have the motion necessary to bring food to the back of his mouth rather than pushing it out. And breast milk isn't fully satisfying him anymore. He's not yet 4 months old, so he's not supposed to have solid food yet. But soon he'll be ready. I was thrilled to read that recent studies have shown it's unnecessary to hold off cows milk and peanuts and other high allergy foods until after the first birthday. They've found no increased incidence of allergies due to early exposure. So Jamie can have tastes of ice cream this summer. :)

I'm still working on the same projects. The socks are coming along nicely, and it looks like they may be wearable! If my first pair of socks are wearable, I will be SO happy! Once my oral exam is over I'll have more time for everything. I have a baby quilt to make for a friend, and there will only be a month to do it in. So many projects.... so little time!

St. Patrick's Day and Easter

2008-03-31T22:19:00.004-04:00

Okay, I never really blog anymore, but I'm still terribly busy with all the aforementioned tasks. And I've started my TA duties again, so there's even more to do. And I feel like I'm behind in everything, even though that's not really true. I'm behind where I'd like to be, not where I need to me, so it's okay. Anyway. I ripped back the scarf I was making for Mama because I didn't like it and am trying something else. I'm doing 4 rows of stockinette and then reversing the "front" side of stockinette to make it reversible and keep it from rolling up all one way.

My boy is growing really fast. He now looks like a young boy, not a baby, even though he's getting a double chin. He seems to be over his colic. I'm now knocking on wood (quietly because he's sleeping), please do the same. He is getting very adept at many things. He can almost sit up without assistance. He really likes sitting up and seeing things. He knows the word "baba" for bottle, and telling him, "Baba? Baba coming" makes it easier for him to wait for the bottle as we heat it up. He really likes it that he gets breast milk most of the time. He smiles all the time now, and even laughs pretty frequently. It's a soft laugh, no squeals, yet. He doesn't usually get fussy during mass unless there's too long a time between songs. He listens for my voice and loves to hear me sing with the piano. Perhaps he'll be a musician.

Pumping has made breastfeeding so much easier, and I can provide breast milk for him without supplementing now, although we still do when we're out. I figured out why I was having such milk supply issues. Jamie doesn't drain the breast completely, just until the flow slows. Then he gets impatient and has a fit. This is likely because we had to supplement from the very beginning, but what can you do? There were just too many complications to have avoided the c-section and the complications from the c-section made it necessary to supplement him. But we've made it together, and I don't grieve over how his birth went anymore. I've worked hard to give him the best I can and it's paying off and he's happy. That's all that matters.

(Vaginal Birth After Cesarean), but my doctor said it was impossible for legal reasons. I asked a bunch of questions, and she didn't really give me answers. From what I could gather from her, if the uterus does rupture during an attempted I'm thinking of becoming a doula. Not full time, mind you, but once a month is very doable. My friend Bridget is training to become a doula and she's gotten me into it. Doulas are very helpful for women in labor, and I'm beginning to think it's important to have one with any birthing mother, even if she's had 10 kids before. There is an instructor in the area and at the local hospital, so if it's possible to go through the classes before my friend Julie has her baby, I'll do it. I'd like to have a doula with me the next time I have a baby. I'm also interested in doing a VBACVBAC, the result is just another c-section, not death of the mother or the baby, but of course the "risk remains" for both. And the incidence of rupture occurs in only 1% of VBACs. But they don't do them anymore because if the rupture occurs and there's any delay in the cesarean then they can be sued. Which doesn't make sense to me because the incidence of VBACs is up, according to all the other literature I've read. Anyway, I have a lot of time to consider the options before I actually need to make a decision. And we already have the names picked out for the next baby. Parenthood agrees with us.

It's been a bit rough for me the past couple of days. Two years ago at Easter, I lost someone I loved very much. She was taken from me with only brief warning. Her absence in my life is profound even though everything about my life has completely changed. I try not to think about this because my grief is still almost too much to bear, but it was brought to mind after reading a knitting blog. I was reading a blog I read pretty regularly, and she brought up the loss of someone she loved who reminded me of my friend. And so I began to be depressed. But I try to remember to have faith, and to treasure the time I have with those still near, especially Jamie, and I feel better able to cope. At mass on Sunday, the priest said to call to mind the ways in which God has blessed us, and I thought how God had blessed me best when he gave me Jamie, and I was comforted. Hopefully Jamie will know one day, that he is my blessing.

Sleeping Beauty

2008-02-28T21:59:00.003-05:00

Sleeping Beauty

My Darling Boy had his shots yesterday. He zonked out right after the trauma of getting the shots. In the late afternoon, he woke up and was really upset and was crying and screaming in pain. Breastfeeding didn't comfort him, either. I desperately searched the web for tips for soothing his pain. One tip was to rub the injection site with Vicks Vap-O-Rub. I immediately did this and it did help. He didn't scream any more after that, but still cried and fussed and was very uncomfortable. I didn't think I should give him Baby Tylenol after reading about the children's cold medicine debate and the possible negative effects on children under 6. My friend Bridget asked her mom (a nurse) who recommended giving him the dosage for his weight, and Bridget said it had helped her niece and nephew when they had discomforts. So I sent Mama out to Walgreens to get some, and we gave him the lowest estimated dosage for his weight. And he was soothed. He then slept. Blessed relief. Today he slept a lot and was pretty happy when he was awake. He did scream and cry a few times when I accidentally bumped his thighs where the injections were given. A friend of mine told me about how his cousin's child got autism from vaccines. So I spent all day checking the Jamie still made eye contact and reading up on the whole autism vs. vaccines issue. From the studies I read I'm convinced that the appearance of a correlation to vaccines is a coincidence due to age of symptom onset (or when they first notice it and can't explain it away) and the frequency of vaccinations. One study in Japan showed that there was an increase in the incidence of autism even after discontinuing the vaccine in question (MMR). Also, with decreased vaccinations there has been an upswing in the cases of measles and mumps and polio, which have led to deaths of some infected children. Even after reading all of this and deciding that the connection did not seem scientifically reasonable, I still watched Jamie like a hawk and worried over every move he made. I logically believed that he was not in danger of contracting something debilitating. However, as a mother, my greatest fear is that I might do something that could harm my child. And so now I'm pretty stressed out. Jamie is fine. He's smiling and wide mouthed grinning at his Daddy's funny dancing. He's still a bit sore but he can be distracted from it and is interacting with us normally. I love that boy.

A Gratuitous Photo and Current Projects

2008-02-02T11:41:00.009-05:00

Let us start this blog with a gratuitous photo of my darling boy. He's wearing his Winnie the Pooh jacket with the ears. He falls asleep in the carseat, but tends to wake up anytime the car stops, unless he's really tired. He's also wrapped in the blanket Mama knit him. It's one of our favorites and he uses it all the time.

After finishing Jamie's blanket, I had no problems finding a new project. I have some that are still unfinished, but after such a long time working on one project almost exclusively, I had to cast on for something new. That something was the reversible cable scarf in a purple variagated yarn Amanda gave to me years ago. I'd been looking for a pattern for this yarn, and finally found the perfect one and have been waiting to knit it up for almost a year. I didn't bring it with me to Livermore last summer because knitting wool in the summer in the deserts of California was just not an attractive idea. Then I had another project that took priority. :) It's not portable since I have to count rows and use a cable needle, but it's simple and easy and a snap for tv/breastfeeding knitting. The photo maybe a bit out of focus, but it shows off the pattern better than the other photos I took and is actually true to color.

I also found a yarn this week that is just gorgeous and so I cast on a scarf for my mom. She really liked the yarn and I couldn't think of what to make with it, and she needed a scarf. I made up a simple pattern, but I have to count rows, so it's not portable, but not mentally consuming either.

I also found an old project that I had started for a friend of mine when she was pregnant with her third and last child. I never finished it because after it got tedious I put it away and forgot about it. I later gave her a store bought gift she had been hinting about wanting. It's another baby afghan, this time crocheted, in greens and yellows. It's tedious because it's very simple and the yarn is very small and I'm using a small hook. It's going to take forever, but I really like the effect. The yarn is a very soft acrylic, so it'll be nice but probably not an heirloom. It's hard to see in this photo, but there are two greens. One is variagated green and the other is solid.

There's also a scarf I started while I was still pregnant in a bamboo yarn that is just lucious! It's a rich red color and there are creme beads. I started it for a friend for Christmas, but got derailed by the carpel tunnel. Now that my hands are mine again, it's become a nice project to work on while out and about. I put on the beads with a crochet hook as I go along, and you'd think it wasn't portable, but it is, and since I don't need to think about it as I go along, it's perfect for rides in the car.

Oh, and I'm making three quilts. And I'm preparing for my oral Candidacy Exam. And I'm raising an "active" son (a.k.a. pain in the butt precious darling who screams like a banshee when bored and will not sleep without someone else in the room).

PS:
This was posted on Feb. 24th, not Feb. 2nd. It took me that long to finish the post, and the photo of Jamie is from Feb 16th, the day before he was baptized "James Michael".

Baby Photos, and Baby J's Finished Afghan

2008-01-16T19:46:00.000-05:00

Here is Baby J sleeping the sleep of the innocent.

Isn't he just the most beautiful boy ever? Here he is with is Nana:

Again with Nana.

And now the long-awaited afghan.

I finished the border on Sunday, and finally wove in all the ends today. I still need to wash it to shrink the border, but it'll only shrink a little. My fingers have regained most of their feeling, and so once I was able to work on it again (last week) it went pretty quickly. I'm very happy with the finished product.

Baby J has arrived!

2007-12-25T20:02:00.000-05:00

I finally went into labor on Saturday December 22. I had had a really long day and hadn't had a nap so I was really tired. I started getting ready for bed and all of a sudden, I made a mess. My water had broken. I found this to be very strange given I hadn't been experiencing any hard contractions. The doctor sent me to the hospital, where I was admitted 50% effaced, 1 cm dilated Baby J was a 0 station (at the cervix) and turned face up (not good). As the morning progressed I was given Pitocin. I found some comfort on the birthing ball, also called a yoga ball by non-birthing persons. The projectile vomiting commenced after 4 hours and continued until they gave me some very nice drugs for it. Around noon the epidural was suggested (again) and this time gratefully accepted. Sleep commenced for 2 hours. Around 4 pm the fever set in and Baby J began to have difficulty. Pitocin was shut of and antibiotics begun. Around 5:30 pm the fever was gone and Baby J's heartrate returned to normal and Pitocin was reistated. I was checked at this point and found that I was 90% effaced, 5 cm dilated, and Baby J was at a 0 - +1 station (right at the cervix and ready to go) and still face up. They had me try laying in a position to help turn and waited. The c-word came up during this phase. I tried to ignore that, determined to have a normal birth. At 10:30 the doctor came to check me, found that Baby J was a 0 - +1 still, but now face down which was perfect. I was 100% effaced, and........ wait for it......... wait........ 5 cm dilated. So at the 24 hour mark (the window for normal birth after water breaking) I was not dilated enough to deliver. For whatever reason, my body failed to dilated any further during the last 4 hours of active labor. The instinct to push was setting it, which was not helpful. So the cesearean section was again suggested. I couldn't have continued in labor for a few more hours. Even if I managed to stave off pushing (try ignoring instinct and see how you do) I wouldn't have had the energy to push, and Baby J was again having heart rate issues. So I agreed to the c-section. I love my ansethsiologist. He had a wonderful bedside manner and was very skilled and gentle in his work. He was very supportive and comforting during the whole c-section. Mama came in with me and Husband would have passed out as he nearly did during the epidural (which he hadn't even actually watched). My Darling can't handle people doing hurtful things to me, even if it's necessary. Baby J was born and cried right away. His 1 minute and 3 minute epgars were both 9, which is wonderful, so he came through everything very healthy and doing very well. I however lost way too much blood. I heard them order blood to have ready for a transfusion. Several minutes later I heard them say they had it under control. So I am fine, but taking iron and dealing with some side effects of massive blood loss. We settled in to breastfeeding right away and have had a little frustration but it's going quite well. He is adorable and very healthy. We will get to go home soon. Thankfully everyone has time off and so we'll all be able to be at home while I recover and while Baby J needs the most attention. So Christmas gets put off for a day in our household. Our little miracle arrived and is healthy and so is everyone else in the household. It has been a wonderful and contented Christmastime.

Updates: No baby or afghan, yet

2007-12-19T07:46:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in a while because I haven't had anything real to post about. But I have been steadily working on Baby J's afghan as my numb hands would allow, even working with completely numb hands at times. It's strange how much knitting I can still make my hands do without any sensation whatsoever. Okay, so the fine motor skills are impaired somewhat, but my hands know what they're doing, even if I do have to pay a little closer attention. And here's the big news: I'm finally on the border! Let me repeat that. I'm finally on the border!!!!! I thought this day would never come, and yet, here it is. I decided on a moss stitch border to add a little contrast and to prevent any rolling, and I must say I do like it so far. There's something fitting about having a moss border in green for an afghan with a lace leaf motif. Okay, maybe it's a bit cliche, but I like it. It satisfies something in me. I refuse to post a photo of it in this unfinished state, mostly because it's on circular needles all the way around and it looks like some sort of sea creature. I cast on for the border going around the corners rather than starting and ending at them, so it's not flat. That makes for a bit of a mess, but it works, and I wanted to protect the corners from being stretched out too much since they'll get enough of that in use. In a few days, I expect to have it finished and blocked and ready to show off.

In baby news, he's still snug in the womb. He's big, but the doctor says he's confident I can deliver him normally because he's already in the pelvis (has been there for a while actually) and he wouldn't be there if he couldn't fit. Makes sense. I'm still very uncomfortable all the time and actually, there are a few new aggravating pregnancy woes, but I'm not going to get into that. You're welcome. I am a bit concerned that I won't really know when active labor starts. I've been having real contractions hourly for over a month, and I've learned to mostly ignore them, even hard ones. It rather surprised the nurse when she hooked me up the the fetal monitor and found I was having a strong contraction, but I didn't feel any more pressure than normal. Oh, well. I guess we'll see when the time comes. Whenever that is.

There was a major breakthrough in my work. But that means having to redo a bunch of models that had already been "done". So the breakthrough means a redo as well. Such is research. At least we have confirmation that the method is improved and correct.

Let it Snow... Let it Snow... Let it Snow!!!

2007-12-01T15:53:00.000-05:00

It's snowing! They say we'll get 2-3 inches by morning, so no blizzards, but a nice dusting. I just love the snow. It's so pretty and puts me in a wonderful Zen-ish mood. There's just something so peaceful about a blanket of white covering and smoothing over the landscape.

The blood test results are in and I don't have preeclampsia. However, my blood pressure is still a little high, so I have to take it easy. The numbness in my hands gets worse and better periodically, so I'll just have to knit when I can for as long as I can. The doctor I saw yesterday said I was on track to be full term, but told me to watch for signs on when to go to the hospital. So I guess I could go into labor at any time, but I could go another four weeks. Another four weeks of having useless stubs on the end of my arms when I have a bunch of knitting and crochet to do is a bit distressing. Pregnancy is a serious pain. Thank God it's for such a good cause. I'm very excited and impatient to have Baby J born and in my arms, especially now that he's fully mature and only gaining weight from now until birth. His growth slowed and is now about on track with standard fetal size, so that is a bit of a relief for me if he's going to go full term. I must say that the recent eruption in new stretch marks tells me he may be hitting another growth spurt. I guess we'll see.

So knitting. All other projects have been pushed aside for Baby J's blanket in the hopes that it can be finished prior to his birth. I finished the purple strip and am working on the blue one. I don't even have 10 rows done and I started it 2 days ago. *Sigh* I've been debating with myself about what stitch to have on the border. The first thoughts were of making it in stockinette like the rest of the blanket, but it'll have the tendency to roll up, which would be annoying. So the next thoughts went to garter and moss stitches. I really like the moss stitch, but I don't know if it would be right. More investigation is needed.

Persistance Pays Off in Spades

2007-11-27T21:59:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I can still knit a little. I can do about 50 stitches per 15 minutes if I take a longer break every hour and don't do it for more than 3 hours at a time. Otherwise I lose complete control of my fingers as the numbness sets into my palms, and run the risk of making horrible errors. At this crawling pace I've finished the next strip of Baby J's blanket. I now only have one left and then I can do the border. If he holds on for another 2 weeks, I might be able to finish his afghan. :) Yay!

In other news, I have done good research and gotten past a block that had me preoccupied for two months. I still have some things to do to iron out the details, but the major part is resolved. Such a relief of frustration!

Oh, the Agony!

2007-11-20T18:00:00.000-05:00

I won't be able to finish Baby J's afghan in time. Even if he isn't born early (which I'm still convinced he will) I won't be able to finish it. I can only knit about 50 stitches before my right hand goes completely numb and I have to wait a half hour for enough feeling to return to knit again. What kind of progress can a person make with a rate that slow?! WWAAHH!! The numbness is a result of pregnancy induced carpel tunnel syndrome. The doctor said it should go away within 6 weeks of delivery. 6 weeks! Mama assures me it doesn't take that long for most of the water retention to go away, so I should be able to knit again before then. But until then... WWWWAAAAHHHH!!!! Sadness!

I have made a decision about the size of the afghan. I've added the next pink and yellow strips and am working (if you can call 50 stitches an hour working) on a purple, then I will do a blue strip. The purple and blue strips will be added to the other side of the afghan so that green is what would be next on either side, and so that green is the center strip. Then I'll add a green border to the whole thing. So I'm very close to being done, really. And yet I can't just finish it. Pity me.

Pregnancy update

2007-11-07T16:24:00.001-05:00

Baby J and I are very healthy, and he's actually "in position", but it's still too early for him to be born without having to stay in the hospital for a while. I have been having contractions periodically so the doctors want to see me again after a week. Otherwise, I only have normal complaints for a pregnant lady. :)

It's been a long time

2007-11-07T15:43:00.000-05:00

Baby J's blanket:

So here is the latest photo of Baby J's blanket. I'd be a lot farther along if I hadn't taken a break, twice. To be honest the second break was forced by factors beyond my control. The first break of one week was because I was SOOOOO tired of this one pattern, that I was becoming a little violent about it. Since I want only love knit into this blanket for my first born child, I decided a break was in order. Then, over the weekend, I forgot my knitting bag a work. Yes, I said that right. I forgot my knitting bag. I don't know how this happened. I can only say that I am very VERY pregnant and having a hard time moving around and am very uncomfortable all the time, particularly when I'm having contractions, which happens pretty regularly, and so I get a bit distracted sometimes. I'm going to make this the center portion of the afghan. I'll add a pink (already finished and being blocked) and a yellow strip (almost done) to the left side, and a purple and blue on the right, then add a green border. That will make the size about right for a baby afghan, and it won't be too organized and linear looking. As a scientist, I do tend to make things a bit too orderly for my own good. In creative endeavors that's not always a good thing.

ANYONE NAMED RACHEL, MARY, KRISTIN, CHERI, OR BILL NEED TO LEAVE THIS BLOG NOW!!!!!!!!! OR YOU WILL SPOIL YOUR CHRISTMAS PRESENT SURPRISE. SO LOOK AWAY NOW AND DON'T EVEN TRY TO GET SOMEONE ELSE TO LOOK FOR YOU! I WILL FIND OUT AND I WILL GET REVENGE!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! LOOK AWAY NOW!!!!!!

Okay, on with the blog.
While I was without what I needed to work on Baby J's blanket I finished 3 crochet projects I had lined up. They are for my sister's in law for Christmas and here they are:

For Rachel:

For Mary:

For Kristin:

I tried to get photos that showed the color better, but hopefully you can get the idea about how gorgeous these really are. It's hard to see in these pictures, but the stitches are different in each one. I picked out a pattern I thought would best suit each one, and they didn't take long to make. I still have one for my mother-in-law and one for my father-in-law to make yet. I think they will really like them.

From Now On

2007-10-20T22:10:00.001-04:00

From now on, I refuse to talk about college football. This is your only warning.

I had to rip out all of the work I had done on the next strip for Baby J's afghan. I was SO pissed. I dropped a stitch, and before I realized it, it had fallen down five or six rows, involving yarn overs and slip passed over stitches. Thank God I was only 23 rows in. Then I got to the same spot and somehow had done the wrong rows at the wrong time, and I couldn't tell where exactly that started. Being the perfectionist that I am, it made be see red and lose faith in all things yarn. That's a bad place to be in, I'm sure you understand.

It was not my night for knitting or anything else. I just wanted to cry. I didn't sleep well last night. I'm in the middle of my Autumn "Everything must be clean and organized and in it's place" mode, but I have no time - read me NO TIME - to do anything about it. I ran errands with Mama and My Darling this morning, which left me sore and tired. I found a stretch mark. An ugly, hot pink, stretch mark on my lower abdomen. I guess that's why I haven't felt so much lately like my belly was going to rip open and have Baby J come flying out. The thing that I'm not talking about didn't go well. And my knitting was not keeping me sane. In fact, it was letting me down. I just need to go to bed and cry.

Update:
Mama helped me clean out and organize my closet. I feel loads better. Yay for organized closets! Now the only clothes in there are my pregnancy ones that fit now. :) I can now see what I have to wear! My mind has found some peace.

Finally Some Photos!!!!

2007-10-12T18:57:00.001-04:00

So here are some photos. Finally. The one above is from just after the green strip was added. It's a good close view of the pattern, too. The one below is from just after the blue strip was added. It's hard to see the green and blue since it's a little washed out, but you get the idea. I now have the purple strip ready to be added and the next white strip is half done. HA! I'm making progress rather quickly now, and I may finish it before I burn out completely.

I really love this pattern, but I'm burning out. This is the only project I'm working on (well, actively anyway since the other projects are on hold) and it's getting old. This is how I end up with 10 projects going on at once and none of them get done in any sort of timely fashion. I really do work on my projects. Really. I just work on so many. But now I'm just doing this one, and it's ...... not killing me really .... just wearing a little thin. But I do love this blanket.

Camera Cord MIA

2007-10-11T08:59:00.000-04:00

I still can't find my camera cord, and I'm becoming a little desperate. I have the afghan for Baby J half assembled (minus the edging) and yet no picture to show. The last time I showed a photo of this WIP it was a quarter assembled, so now with all the colors it's even more impressive - AND YET I CAN'T SHOW IT OFF!!!!!! So frustrating. I'm knitting like an insane person (if such a thing were possible for a knitter) so I think I may be able to finish this afghan by the end of the month, including the edging. That would be great, because I'm not sure how early Baby J is going to be, and there were a couple of other things I wanted to make him before he's born. Okay, I realistically only have time for one other project, but whatever. I'll take what I can get.

I have been SO good lately. I've wanted to skip work and go yarn shopping. Have I done this? No. I look at my knitting bag, my crochet bag, my almost done quilt still on the sewing table, the other two knitting bags, the hand sewing bags, and I refrain. The urge to cast on is huge! Why? I have some really nice things to work on and yet there are so many things that call to me to cast on! If I give in, then I may never finish a single project. Ever. This is my greatest fear, hence the great restraint. I even have my stash stashed away so I can't see it and have to go to some trouble to get to it. (Do I know how to avoid temptation or what?) But, this whole being good thing sucks and it's getting old. After I finish Baby J's afghan (I swear, pictures will arrive as soon as I can find the @#&%*#$*!$#& camera cord), I will allow myself to shop for and buy and cast on a new baby project. Then I can't buy or cast on until the Christmas crochet is done. (ha HA! That won't take long! The fingers fly over crochet!)

See how good I am? See? I can do it.

Stop laughing. I can do it! Really!

Seriously, if you laugh any harder, you'll need Depends.

Stop it.

Now you're just embarrassing yourself.

It's not that funny. I have will power.

Yes, I do!

Workin' Workin' Workin'

2007-10-07T16:42:00.001-04:00

Great progress has been made on the afghan for Baby J. I am now almost halfway done with it and I am able to work on it much more lately and at a faster pace. I have completely memorized the pattern now and only have to keep track of what number row I'm on. And yet I want to put it away and not look at it again. I am nearing burnout but still going strong. I took almost a week off already and then worked like a demon and got two strips done in one week. That's pretty good, if I do say so myself. If I can keep up the pace, then I'll be done completely (including border) by the end of the month. Then I can move on to faster projects. Keeping that in mind is a wonderful motivation, but what really keeps me going is seeing it come together. I have the white, pink, yellow, green, and blue strips put together, and the purple will follow on Tuesday or so. It really looks wonderful. I'm a little unhappy about the "loopy" end, but I'm hoping the border will help make that less pronounced. If I ever use this pattern again (note the if) then I'll be sure to do four or six rows of stockinette first to keep it even on the ends.

Now, none of this description helps you at all, because I don't have any pictures for you, at the moment. I took some photos. Then I took more photos. And they're really quite nice ones. But I can't find my camera cord to connect it to the computer. As soon as I find it, there will be some new photos. And you will be amazed.

(And if you don't get the reference of my post title, that's okay. It's from an ancient tv show I used to watch reruns of at 2am when I was a teenager, holed up in my room, refusing to sleep. God, I was such a rebel!)

Diapers

2007-10-03T16:12:00.000-04:00

Diapers. Okay, maybe not the most titillating topic ever, but one on my mind lately. As I near the due date - not changed despite Baby J being over 2 weeks ahead of schedule in size and development - I find that I want to work out these details. I have been trying to decide between disposable and cloth diapers. So I finally called the diaper cleaning service to get a price quote and then I did some math (clearly my strong suit). In the end, with the diaper service, cloth and disposables end up being about the same price. But add to the mix that if you launder the diapers yourself, cloth ends up being half the price. And I thought to myself, "Hey, I'm already cleaning up after Tiggy and changing her diapers, why not for my own child?" And then I asked myself if I had a brain tumor and just how much crap (literally) did I feel like wading through? I called a cooler head and the decision is made. We will use the cloth diapers, and we will launder them ourselves. We'll also use disposables when we're out, simply for the sake of convenience and sanitation of the diaper bag. So here's the logic and reasoning behind the decision.

1. Cloth is better on the skin. I have very sensitive skin, and Husband has normal to sensitive skin (prone to heat rash), so Baby J will likely have similar issues.
2. Less diaper rash. Because cloth diapers breathe more, you can smell when they need to be changed sooner, and so you do change them more often. The greater airflow allows the skin to stay drier and therefore less prone to irritation even if the diaper doesn't get changed fast enough.
3. Less landfill trash. I am a bit of a hippy, and believe in conservation as much as possible, and this isn't an unreasonable step to take to keep tons of trash from building up each year. It's not like asking me to live like a pioneer or cavewoman, so I was willing to consider it.
4. Save some money. It's a savings of about $500 a year. While that may not seem like a lot, it's enough to make affording other things a little easier. And with a new baby, I'd prefer to spend money on things that will last and are actually important.
6. We get our own diapers back from doing the laundry ourselves, while God only knows whose diapers we'd be getting from the diaper service. Okay. Fine. They're laundered to be highly sanitary, but that's because you're getting someone else's undies. I don't want my child wearing something that someone else has pooped in. It may be perfectly safe - and I'm sure logically that it is - but the idea is just too gross.
5. We already have to do gross things for the dogs, so it's not unreasonable to be willing to do the same and more for our baby.
6. I don't have to do all the poop duty myself. There are three adults in the household. Husband and I will split being at home during the work week so we can both fulfill our grad student duties, and Mama will be at home on nights and weekends. So there will be times I'll get a break from the gross stuff.

So there you have it. The arguments for using and self-laundering cloth diapers. And here is the latest ultrasound of Baby J:

I'm on Ravelry! (and Baby J afghan update)

2007-09-24T09:09:00.001-04:00

I had time to knit this weekend. So guess what I did? I didn't knit. Knitting on this afghan is already getting a bit old. I have the pattern memorized (mostly, I only need to look at it 2 or three times per 10 rows to double check which stitch sequence I'm doing) and it's getting monotonous. It's really beautiful, and I'm thrilled with it and I'm 25% done. Only 25% done. But the colors are gorgeous, the pattern is lacy but not too "holey" or fragile. I really need to just suck it up and keep moving. The photos of Baby J with his blanket will be such an awesome reward for all this work. It may wear out from use, but I'll always have the photos, and seeing him using it will be the best part. (I'm doing a bit of the cheer leading stuff at myself to make me work on it, but I'm feeling a bit better after having had a couple of days away.) I think if I ever do this pattern again, I'll add several rows of stockinette to the start and finish of the strips so that the bottom edge doesn't "bubble" out so much. You can see it did the same for others who did this pattern. Annoying, but not enough to start over.

Ravelry is awesome! My screen name is saneknitter. I finally got the flickr photos linked in properly (um, I forgot to make the photos public, my bad) but it's still not checking my blog. It's found it and on my profile the correct page is there and the link works properly, but it doesn't seem to be reading it otherwise and updating the post info. I wonder what I'm doing wrong now. It's embarrassing that I'm having any trouble with this when I work with computers and programming all day. Oh, well. Live and learn to deal with humiliation. ;)

The Wait is Over

2007-09-21T21:59:00.000-04:00

I came home this evening from a nice outside tea party with a dear friend (and Mama and Husband) and what do I find in my inbox? MY RAVELRY INVITATION! If I could stay awake much longer I'd do all the cool stuff, but I guess I'll have to settle for just setting everything up. I created a Flicker account, but it doesn't seem to want to load my photo to Ravelry. Hmmm... I'll have the play with it. Oh, boy! I may never sleep again! Oh, wait. I'm going to sleep now. I guess I will sleep, but I'm sure there will be some late nights. Ah, the joy!

Ravelry Wait (Part 9) - Under 1000!!!!!!

2007-09-20T07:27:00.000-04:00

OMG! Only 864 people ahead of me in line! OMG! It's almost my turn! I'm almost in! When I checked the list this morning, I almost had a heart attack with joy!

Photo and Dog Update

2007-09-18T08:06:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I finally got the time to take and upload the most recent stage of Baby J's blanket.

Not including the border, it's about a fourth done. I have the next strip in progress after a major incident whereby I lost a lot of work (okay, all of it - tears were shed), but it's coming along nicely now and is a fifth done. That's actually pretty good progress given the amount of time available to do any knitting. I get something done mostly every day since I carry it with me everywhere I go. What's that? Ten minutes until the next meeting? That's a ton of time for knitting! And sadly sometimes all I get in a day. But whatever. Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither was this blanket. Baby steps, baby steps.

How sad is it that the only time I could find to take and post a photo was while I was in my office? I really do work!

The dogs are fine. They scared us silly! We spent time calculating how much chocolate they could actually have ingested, and if the little Bichon had eaten it all, it would still not have been lethal, too close for comfort, but not lethal. We did worry anyway in case he was especially sensitive (since some dogs are), but he's fine. And all evidence now points to the Dachshund getting most of it. Let's just say the fat content of it didn't agree with her stomach, but otherwise she's fine. Since she's twice his size, she could handle twice as much before approaching toxic levels. Here's the math of it for chocolate: If you have a very high dose of poison, let's say toxic levels, but share half of it with someone twice your size, you get half of a toxic dose, while the other person only gets a quarter of a dose. It may have been closer to her getting two thirds (she's quite the oinker). Either way it was mercifully okay, since if she had the whole thing it would have been close to a half a toxic dose, while for him alone it would have been close but still not toxic.

Now they all get locked up, not just my Border Collie and my Golden Retriever. They have separation anxiety, so I cage them for their own good. It keeps them calm and prevents them from chewing on things that could hurt them or cost us a bundle to replace. Mama didn't want her babies locked up, and since they were usually good (99% of the time), we left them loose. Well, since Alex got neutered, he's been a real pain in the butt about food. He has no compunctions about getting up on tables (which he somehow manages even with the chairs pushed in!) to get at bags of food ready to be gifted to others (this is how he got the bag of brownies). Before the snippy-snippy, he didn't do this. Tigger can't get up on anything because she has permanent damage from her blown disc from 4 and a half years ago. So if it's not on the floor, or within two feet of the floor, it's safe from her. This is why the house is basically baby proofed already. Now here's the rub. Alex will get whatever goodies he can find, then bring them down to share with Tigger. He could take them up on the couch or the bed, and have it all to himself, but no. This generosity on his part potentially saved his life. So after the scare last night, Mama gave me carte blanche to discipline them as I see fit and not coddle them. So they are all in the doggie room Michael and I have been working on in the basement. It's not done yet, but it's good enough for now. All we need to do is paint the walls, but it doesn't have to be done to be a safe place for them. Kelsey barked for a few minutes after we put them in it, but that's pretty normal for her, while the others were more quiet. She's the one I'd worry about ripping the door off and getting loose. Don't laugh! Once, she ripped the molding off from around a door and was halfway to getting through when I stopped her. I was only gone 10 minutes, but the noises she could hear motivated her to want to get out to help me. (It wasn't serious, but she didn't know the neighbor wasn't a genuine threat to me.) Anyway, that was fun to fix. So it was nice this morning that we could finish getting ready and leave without them getting hyper and underfoot.

Another plus for the dog room is that I never again have to worry about any of the dogs getting at my yarn. Yay! Actually, since I've been home from California, none of them have even looked twice at a ball of yarn. I guess it just smelled like me and they absolutely HAD.... TO.... HAVE.... IT. I should be flattered that they love me so much, but we're talking yarn here.

Progessing, But With Distractions

2007-09-17T23:04:00.001-04:00

Okay, I've finished more of Baby J's afghan, but I haven't had the time or the equipment necessary to take a photo and post it. Since I'm now in the middle of watching the dog be manic from eating chocolate (non-lethal amount) that he found on the table in the kitchen while I was at school teaching a help session, it's unlikely to happen at any point tonight. But I promise another picture is forth-coming.

Ravelry Wait (Part 8)

2007-09-17T22:46:00.000-04:00

Under 2000, HOLY CRAP! It's going so fast now!

Ravelry Wait (Part 7)

2007-09-14T23:20:00.000-04:00

OMG!! I'm under 3000! This last 1000 went very quickly. In fact, by the time I get my invitation, I may not be done taking photos of my stash and projects. Okay, I should probably start taking photos, but whatever. I'm a bit busy! No, really! I'm TAing and doing research and getting ready for Baby J and taking care of the dogs and the Husband and having a social life (tame though it may be, I still know people!). I'm also getting ready to give a talk at a Seminar that I only found out about yesterday, and getting ready to go to a conference that I only found out yesterday that I was going to attend. At least I'm not bored...

Ravelry Wait (Part 6)

2007-09-11T07:31:00.001-04:00

Below 4000! OMG, it's like I just won the lottery!

Seaming and a Prenatal Visit

2007-09-06T11:39:00.000-04:00

I finally got the first two strips seamed together two days ago. It looks wonderful and it reduces the curling of the stockinette. Here's how it looks:

The next strip is coming along, but there doesn't seem to be much time for knitting. Time for knitting is at a premium right now.

Pregnancy update: I had my latest prenatal visit yesterday. Everything looks good except the baby (okay, actually the uterus) is measuring at 26 weeks while I'm only 23 weeks. So the doc wants to do another ultrasound next time to see if he's just normal or growing big from gestational diabetes. I'll have the blood work done in 2 weeks to check for diabetes, but he still wants the ultrasound. He said it could be nothing, and that it would measure big if the baby wasn't laying sideways. I think that's what it was. I could feel him kicking down low and punching up high, which usually puts him as being upright. But it will be good to get another look at him and make sure things are developing normally.

Setbacks and Progress

2007-08-29T21:58:00.000-04:00

I had a setback in my afghan. The yarn is cotton, and every cotton anything I've ever had (yarn, shirts, socks, jeans, headbands, etc.) have all shrunk even when they say they're preshrunk. So you understand my surprise when the strip didn't shrink. Not even a little. In fact, I think it stretched some. I blocked it flat, but I must have pulled on it. So I remeasured and recalculated the dimensions of my afghan. Um... If Baby J big enough to fit that blanket, then there's no way I'd survive the delivery. I began to be ill. I thought and thought, and finally worked it out. I had to frog back 50 rows and finished off. 50 rows! You should all be proud of me, I didn't cry at all. It did make a difference that all the other strips will only be 200 rows instead of 250. I was able to adjust the dimensions so that it will still be of standard size (36" x 35"). I had to spend time fixing things, reblocking, and now I can move forward again, knowing it will be okay, and actually faster than I thought. So I had a setback, but it turned out to be a good thing. :)

Ravelry Wait (Part 5)

2007-08-28T19:17:00.000-04:00

Below 5000! Yea baby!

Well, I must be pregnant.

2007-08-23T12:07:00.000-04:00

As if I didn't already know I'm pregnant, I've had two events confirm that other people also know it. Two weeks ago a lady on the street saw the Husband and me walking along. She stopped us with, "Young lady... Are you pregnant?" Imagine my surprise! Even people I see on a daily/weekly basis are hesitant to ask me this question. Actually, they don't ask me. Anyway, I said yes, after all, it's a bit late to look bewildered and/or lie. The shape of my belly is just too clear even if the size isn't that big yet. She then asked if this was the daddy, and again I smiled and said yes. Then she said, "You can tell if he's gonna be a good father by how he takes care of you now. Does he take good care of you?" I was happy to tell her that he indeed does take very good care of me. She then smiled and waved and continued on her way. :) Yesterday I went to the Stash (only decent yarn store around). As I was checking out, the lady showed me the new baby afghan she had just finished and said she highly recommended it and told me the basic pattern. It was a lovely thick blanket and only took her a week to make. And so I told her about my most recent project and how long it's taking since it's 24 stitches by 250 stitches and I have to make about 16 strips. She made the appropriate noises of appreciation over how much time that's going to take and said that's why she doesn't usually do baby afghans. Then she asked me if I knew what I was having. Yep. There's no hiding it now.

Well, there's no hiding it from women. My advisor, however, has yet to ask and doesn't seem to notice. Trust me, he'd say something if he had any clue. That's going to be a nice conversation. I can just hear it now: Are you pregnant? Yes. Are you dropping out of grad school? No. But babies take so much time and energy. Can you handle the pressure? If women can have a family and a career, I don't see why I can't. Especially with my husband and mother actively involved. *Head shake in resignation and disappointment as he determines resolutely that the strain will one day be too much and I that I'll quit to stay home to spend all day gazing adoringly at my baby while my brain turns quickly to mush.* Seriously, you'd think it was 1907. He was similarly amazed that a former student of his, RH, didn't quit to "get a real job" after his wife had twins (children 2 and 3 for them). The fact that RH worked even harder and finished in a year impressed him no end. Why is it that people expect the worst of you and when you fail to follow through on their unreasonable fears they then brag about you like they had anything to do with it? Ok. Rant over. For now.

The afghan is going well. I haven't had time to work on it for the past 5 days. We've been visiting friends and getting ready to go home. I've also been working extra hours on my research while at home since I have some things I want to make sure I can do on my own before I leave the font of all knowledge and rely solely on my advisor of assistance. (Oops, sorry. That jab slid right in there.) Now, since the Husband had to return home (yes without me) to prepare for his conference (for which he will have already departed when I return home in two days), and since I will not be staying at the apartment with the Unreasonable One, I will have time to knit in peace. I'm house/dog sitting for a friend. She and her family left yesterday for Disneyland and they get back on Saturday after I have gone to the airport, so it was very convenient. She knows I love dogs and that I needed the peace.

I can't wait to go home. I can sleep in my own bed. Mama can cook for me and we can chat in person, not on the phone. Mama and I can shop for baby things and plan out some of the baby crafts we'll be doing. I can have my dogs around me. I can work with Murphy to help ease his separation anxiety and get his room ready for crating him while we're gone during the day. I can get ready for TAing my tutorials and help sessions. I can nest. I can get ready for the Fall, my favorite season. I can put away all my wedding gifts and send my wedding dress off for preserving. Mama and I can pick out the new china cabinet. I can set up the new craft/sewing space. I can finish the late birthday present for a dear friend. The list goes on. And on.

OH! I didn't mention that I bought a bunch of patterns of baby knits! They are too adorable. They're Dale of Norway/Dalegarn pattern books. *Swoon* Okay, need proof? These will be on the needles by the end of September:

NOTE TO SELF: It is important to remember that I have responsibilities to fulfill and that my family and friends will want to see/talk to me sometimes.

Not all the patterns will work, though. Like this one:
After all, I don't think Baby J would much appreciate wearing a dress, no matter how gorgeous or how sweet it would be of me or his Nana to spend all that time knitting it for him. Those photos would likely end up missing one day. ;)

Ravelry Wait (Part 4)

2007-08-20T22:48:00.000-04:00

Under 6000!

Working Hard and Hardly Resting

2007-08-19T23:37:00.000-04:00

My advisor aggravates me! Damn absent minded professor syndrome! That's all I have to say about it.

Baby J scared me this week. He wasn't moving much. He's usually so active that I think he must be doing gymnastics in there every couple of hours. But this week he moved only a few times a day. So yesterday I woke up and was a bit upset. But I sat down and had breakfast, and as I did he started doing his normal back flips and karate kicks in there. :) I was so happy. I was pretty stressed out all week, so maybe that put some stress on him, and once I felt better so did he. I also read that babies will go through periods of lethargy, or they'll be faced backwards and you won't feel the movements as much. Whatever the cause, I'm happy he's back to his normal hyper self, even if my bladder takes a beating. ;)

I visited a old friend, Jackie, yesterday, and we had a great time. She as a new guinea pig named Wiggy. Her older guinea pig, Proxie (after Proxima Centauri, haha fellow astro nerd!) is doing well, spunky as ever. I was with her when she got Proxie two years ago. Both guinea pigs are very friendly. In fact, Wiggy just sat in my arms and purred (trilled is more like it). I had a guinea pig when I was a kid, and she always bit me and drew blood. I was always gentle with her, but she still bit me. She was from a pet store, so maybe she hadn't been socialized enough or had been mistreated. When we moved overseas, we gave her to a guinea breeder to take care of. We later heard she was doing very well and had several cage mates of both genders whom she would play with. Anyway. Jackie is doing well, and we had a great time catching up.

A new girl moved into the apartment. She seems nice. She's an art major from Great Britain.

I can't wait to go home. I have a lot of things I want to do and I can't wait to sleep in my own bed again. And I have some dog training to do. Murphy has serious separation anxiety, so have some work to do with him. I need to do some obedience with him and there are some desensitization exercises that should help. We're also going to set up a room in the basement to put all of them in while we're going. We can't actually crate Murphy because he seems to have some severe claustrophobia. Strange. Genuine claustrophobia is rare in dogs, but Murphy clearly has it. Also, severe separation anxiety is pretty uncommon. He didn't have any problems until I left for the summer. Poor baby. Also, I have some wedding gifts to put away, and do stuff with. And a nursery to put together. :)

I'm almost done with the second strip of my baby afghan. It's a good thing I have 19 weeks to finish it.

Mostly Good News

2007-08-17T00:43:00.000-04:00

The home front is peaceful again, after a day of fighting. All is resolved. :) I made brownies. Chocolate fixes everything. :)

I get to dog sit and house sit for a friend next week. She has an adorable little dog and she's a sweet person, so I'm happy to do it for her.

One of my collaborators died this week. He was pretty old and had been sick for a while, so it wasn't unexpected. But it's still sad. He was a nice guy and he was very healthy until the last few years. He had a brilliant mind and was a world class mountain climber. He was a cool old dude.

I've finally gotten some knitting done and it makes me so happy. I have a fifth of the next strip done already. Okay, that's only 50 rows, but give me a break here, I'm working on it!

Mama did well in her class. Yay, Mama! And her friends at the office know about the baby now, and are thrilled for us. Her boss was a little worried that she'd leave to become a "full time Grandma". Haha. The woman needs Mama and she knows it. So Mama assured her she wouldn't be leaving.

Okay, back to knitting. :)

Football Injuries and a Rant

2007-08-14T19:26:00.000-04:00

So the Husband and I went to a 49er's preseason game against Denver. Denver won after the 49er's failed three separate times to follow through on excellent setups that should have resulted in touchdowns. For a preseason game it was pretty exciting. Clearly there were some guys actually fighting to impress the coaches so get some play time during the season. They didn't just sit down anytime they had the ball like most preseason games. While we were there the sun was setting in front of us, beaming straight into our eyes, so I took the Husband's blue Notre Dame hat. To replace his now stolen hat, I bought him a red 49er's hat to match his red 49er's sweatshirt, which he was wearing. Other than for our wedding, I don't think he's ever been so well coordinated! He proudly wore his 49er's gear, while I proudly wore my Notre Dame ensemble. Now I ask you, who was the sharper dresser? (Although, I do look chubby in that photo! boooooo!)

The only hiccup in our outing was when I overstretched the ligaments in my abdomen (ask me how it was a ligament) while trying to let someone by me on the bus back to the BART station. I can tell you that the round ligament pain I've been having is nothing to whatever the hell it was I did to the ligament. I thought maybe I'd torn it, but today it feels okay, if somewhat more sore than normal. Damn changing body.

I love Baby J and am thrilled to be having a baby, but this whole pregnancy thing is very inconvenient and uncomfortable at times. All those women who loudly proclaim how much they loved being pregnant and how much they miss it must not remember what it was like. I don't hate it, mind you, but it's annoying far too regularly. And seriously, morning sickness is just awful! Thank God I'm done with that! One friend of mine was only a little nauseous in the mornings, but me... well, it was bad. Projectile bad. All day. Yuck. Anyway. I really have been healthy, so I shouldn't complain, but I'm human, so I will occasionally. ;)

Finally, Some Progress is Made!

2007-08-12T19:31:00.001-04:00

I finished the first strip. It looks rather bluish in the photos, but it really is white. The edges are rolling somewhat even after stretching it due to the stockinette on the sides. I'll block it to check the length when I get home. It's still in the range of average sized baby blankets, so it should be fine, but it is 250 rows. Now I'm doing the next color, because I got tired of looking at the white. I need variety! I also decided to do a purl cast on. It looks better and will be easier to pick up stitches from for the edging. And the edging... I can't decide if I want to do it all in white, a color, or cycle through the colors. Okay, so Baby J will be a boy, but that doesn't mean the edging has to be in blue. I'm leaning toward cycling through the colors, starting and ending in white.

So I got all this done, despite the home front drama. Not with Husband. Him, I can talk to and come to compromises with, and he won't take advantage of me. Not so with this person. I think my blood pressure has gone up at least 10 points. Baby J is still moving normally, so it doesn't seem to have put any real stress on him.

Ravelry Wait (Part 3) and Baby Afghan

2007-08-11T23:01:00.000-04:00

I'm under 7000 now in waiting for Ravelry!

The baby registry is set up now. We didn't really put in a whole lot of stuff, mostly just necessities. I didn't get the afghan strip done the other night. I ended up needing to make it longer than I thought for length. I should finish it tonight and start the next one. I'll take a photo of it before I block it.

Ravelry Wait (Part 2)

2007-08-07T21:42:00.000-04:00

There are now only 7271 people ahead of me on the Ravelry waiting list! And there are more people behind me in the list than ahead of me! Yay for progress.

I've been working so hard on research lately that I haven't had much time for knitting. And I really want to be knitting pretty much all the time to work on my baby afghan for my own baby. :) Today however, I was able to spend a whole hour just knitting. Ahh.... Luxury! I'm going to finish the first strip of my afghan tonight come hell or high water. Then I'll take a photo and post it. :) Life is good.

It's a boy!

2007-08-05T16:05:00.000-04:00

The image is a little fuzzy but that's his little face. We also have lots of images from various directions (in 2D and 3D) that show absolutely that this is a boy. We've told the grandparents, now we're going to make up announcements to send to people. He seems very healthy and is VERY active. He was moving a lot during the whole ultrasound. I thought I had been feeling him moving all the time, but it seemed too much, so I was beginning to get a little paranoid. But after the ultrasound, it's proven. He's just an active little scamp. :)

The End of Dogs

2007-08-03T15:22:00.000-04:00

The dogs are going to die. I am going to kill them. He got at my stash of yarn. And they played with it. And ripped it to shreds. Yarn was strewn from one end of the living room to the other. In bits. They never, repeat NEVER, go after my yarn. When I'm home. But I'm not home. I'm in California for the summer. And so they go for my yarn. And so they must die.

Stash on the Brain

2007-08-01T16:19:00.000-04:00

Okay, I've made a decision about my stash. (My stash may be thousands of miles away, but it's still cluttering up my mind.) I am using it up, even if I have to make a large number of ugly scarves that I can give as gifts. Big Needles, here I come! I thought about selling some of it, but I bought this stuff with hopes of finished projects, and darn it I want some finished projects. (Where's my fairy godmother?) After that, I will only buy yarn for specific projects. I can have 100 projects going at once, right?

Non-update

2007-08-01T01:29:00.000-04:00

Okay, I'm a slacker. At knitting. I've been working instead of knitting. I know, what was I thinking? Obviously my priorities are totally messed up. I promise I will get some professional help.

On the bright side... Ravelry says there are only 7878 people ahead of me! That was a big jump in just a day. I wonder if things are becoming streamlined now. I won't have a chance to take photos of my stash and other completed projects until after the summer is over and we're back home, and I may get the invite before then. Oh well. I'll get to it asap.

Ravelry Wait (Part 1)

2007-07-30T12:51:00.000-04:00

Only 8140 people ahead of me on the waiting list for Ravelry! WOO HOO!

On a project note, I got relatively nothing done knitting wise this weekend. I think I only got about an hour's worth of knitting all weekend. Sigh. I was working. And the Husband and I were walking around exploring the rest of the time. Oh well. There's always today. :)

Nerd Score

2007-07-29T13:16:00.000-04:00

Okay. Everyone knows I'm a nerd, but I didn't think I was very far from normal. So on the recommendation of a friend, I took a test to rate my nerdiness. It was bad. I scored a 99, and they mocked me with "All Hail the Nerd God". Okay, so it has officially been proven that I am only 1% normal. Whatever. At least the Husband thinks I'm cool.

And My Envy Grows...

2007-07-29T00:32:00.000-04:00

So Amanda is finally on Ravelry, and I'm green with envy. I'm eagerly awaiting my invitation and today the Ravelry look up page said this:

Found you!

You signed up on July 10, 2007
You are #15594 on the list.
8371 people are ahead of you in line.
5765 people are behind you in line.
32% of the list has been invited so far

Sigh. I have quite a wait ahead of me. And everyday until I get my invitation I'll be checking this page and imagining the greatness that awaits me.

Back to Knitting!

2007-07-28T22:39:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I'm back in Berkeley, married and with Husband in tow, back to work, and also back to knitting. I didn't get a chance to knit for a while, what with all the last minute wedding details and all. But I'm back to it. And I've discovered something. If you use circular needles, but the connecting wire is too short, it really does mess things up. I sometimes use circular needles if I'm traveling because then I don't have to worry about losing a needle somewhere. Anyway, I've been using circular needles for making my baby afghan strips but the wire was too short. After a third of a strip I decided I couldn't stand it any longer and I bought new needles. (Now, to anyone else this would have been a simple decision and not have taken so long to do, but did I mention I've been on my honeymoon and going to work everyday?) So I dragged the Husband with me to Stash where I bought straight bamboo needles in the size I needed and the rest of the yarn I'll need for the baby afghan. He was very patient while I looked over the knitting books (I couldn't resist). Anyway, I started using the straight needles right away, and it was SO much better. But I did notice that the new needles are slightly bigger than the others of the same size. The knitting is now more regular and a little looser. In the end, I don't think the difference in the first portion and the rest will be noticeable, so I'm just continuing on from here rather than starting again. I don't think I could stand to rip out the 100 rows I've done so far.

While I was at Stash I did pick up a sock book. I bought Getting Started Knitting Socks by Ann Budd. I haven't yet delved into sock making but that's next on the agenda. I wanted to get a book and start looking at the particulars and variations and pick out a pattern. I think I have just as much fun looking at patterns and reading about variations and options as I do actually casting on for the next project. I can't wait. Any recommendations on a pattern for a first time sock knitter?

Yarn for Baby Blanket

2007-07-17T20:06:00.000-04:00

I didn't say anything about the yarn I am using. It's Dalegarn, aka Dale of Norway yarn (good eye, Sarah). I found it in this nice little yarn shop in Berkeley called Stash. It has limited selection, but what they have is very nice. I've never used Dalegarn before, but I really like the quality of the yarns I have seen. This yarn is called Stork (very appropriate for a baby blanket, so someone knew what they were doing when they named this yarn), is 100% cotton, and cost me $5.00 a skein. I'm using (1) white, (8) pale pink, (3) pale yellow, (5) pale blue (it's green), (6) sky blue, and (7) lavender. Stash is the only yarn store in Berkeley I have access to, since it's only 3 miles away from my apartment, and I don't have a car. Yes, I walked 6 miles for yarn in 95 degree weather and I'll be doing it again next month. Ain't exercise grand?

Baby Blanket

2007-07-10T22:42:00.000-04:00

I've decided to stop wasting time trying to get my blog updated with all my old projects. I'm just going to put in what I'm doing now and move on. :)

I am currently obsessed with making a new baby blanket. I liked the pattern on this website:
http://www.knitting-and.com/knitting/patterns/baby/lace.htm
However, I wanted to use 6 different colors, and I couldn't go against the "grain", so to speak. So I modified it into strips. I started making it with a garter stitch on the sides, but after knitting for way too long, I found the seaming was not going to look the way I wanted. So I pulled out a week's worth of hard work, and I'm sick over it. I'll be using the mattress method for joining, which I haven't used before, so it'll be a nice experiment. Here are my colors:

Busy Busy

2007-04-07T21:06:00.000-04:00

I was able to get some knitting time in last night! How wonderful it was to knit again! And Amanda told me about a yahoo group that gives patterns for dishrags twice a month. They post directions for 2-3 rows per day and you knit them up and figure it out as you go along! Nice. I'm excited to do the next one. And after this conference is done, and the paper submitted, I'll be able to knit a lot more. *sigh* I can't wait. My nights will be free for knitting again, and I'll only have my research to do.

No real update

2007-03-08T12:01:00.000-05:00

Where did I think I would get this free time? I was on crack or something. I have no time, but hopefully I will have some after I finish my oral exam. I did finish a scarf for my fiance, but the blocking doesn't seem to be holding. It keeps curling up. I'm going to block it again and see if I can get it to work out. I'm now crocheting an afghan for my future in-laws. And I'm still knitting a ton of scarves and shawls for friends, but I can't seem to make any progress. Oh, well.

Working on it

2007-01-29T00:02:00.000-05:00

Now that I'm done with the written exam, I can get back to knitting. I have one more scarf to make before I can send them all off as really late Christmas gifts. Boy will that be a big post! So check back and see my stuff. I don't have anything elaborate ready to show, but I will. :)